NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO I have great news - I got some testing done to see why I keep miscarrying and the results came back as a blood clotting disorder. It is something treatable and there are lots of women who have healthy babies once diagnosed and treated during pregnancy (simply with a daily baby aspirin or herperin shots - great right!!!!). Chase and I can have more children! Best way to end the year - Thank you God for this answer! I still have lots of questions before I plunge back into trying for another child, but I am glad that God is allowing these answers to come our way. I am grateful I live in a place where I have access to these tests and can have proper medicines. Beyond grateful! All that being said, I have to share this: I was really sad when I first found out, the idea this is treatable and I could have held my babies if I had just known, or even that just one of them could have lived, I was sad. God and I had a long talk, and He reminded me today that a pill is not the reason I should have such peace about having another child, in fact a pill does not at all remove His sovereignty from my life. I cant have more children because I can take a pill, but because God will heal my body of this disorder, whether by treatment or miracle (I mean, I do have one amazing, miracle daughter). He is Creator, Sustainer, Giver of all good things, the children I lost they were good things, He created their lives and did sustain them for a time. A pill wasn't going to change His plans for my life and theirs. I have said to Him "Lord, You know You could have told me (when I was pregnant) to take a baby asprin, and I would have obeyed. You know I would have. I would have blindly obeyed You." In my heart I know this is true, but He didn't tell me; and I am never without Him. He didn't miss some memo to intervene on my babies behalf. I dont fully know why He choose this or allowed this but I know He IS with me each moment, He sees me, He is intentional, and He is purposeful beyond what I can comprehend or understand. Those are hard truths to digest in my soul. These truth weigh heavy on my heart - but they are fully His truths. God gave me two children I wont ever know - and He will allow me more because of the timing of His answers and His healing in my life. I know it's a lot to just throw out there, but it's His truth in my life, and Yours. He is never far from us.........

Now Momma can get to "cookin" too. Is that inappropriate to write here.....

And just in time, one out of diapers (almost).

Practicing holding a baby perhaps.... Lets hope not, poor Mickey is getting plenty of love, but maybe not oxygen... (good thing he doesn't need it, right)

Let the fun begin!!!! 

It was for me!

So I have been meaning to just sit down and write this, it started Sunday, well days before as I realized this week was happening. The week that one year ago changed my life - Sunday was October 20, I almost got through the whole day without thinking about it. However that day, well I won't be forgetting it anytime soon. I wrote to E that night and it felt good to examine the year we have had, re-read things I had written, weirdly having an anniversary and realizing the exact amount of days that have passed feels like an accomplishment - I don't know why really, it just does. Most interestingly was being in church that morning, the same place as morning after we lost Cary - I craved church that morning a year ago, thinking "If my baby is worshiping Jesus right now, I should be too." I cried almost the entire service that morning. I would say to that point it was the roughest day of my life, but I was in the perfect place to have such a rough day. That morning was for me. So Sunday, this past Sunday, we got to church and yall would not believe the sermon theme "Moving forward from a broken past" I just could not believe it, how broken this year has felt to me - and moving forward is definitely not the same as moving on, right? Perfect words for me. So in true Becca fashion, I begin taking crazy amounts of notes and then just stop and write "It was for me." This sermon was mine, I don't mean to selfishly take something that touched others, but God could have taught many of the others in that room this lesson next week, but He didn't, He taught it on October 20 - my date, my suffering date.
This circumstance and all the life that happened before and to now, this date, it was for me. All this faith that has built day after day and year after year, simply to prepare me to live this life for Him, it was for me. I praise Him for all of this, the life, preparation of faith and this suffering, its mine, it was meant for me. I am not serving a passive God who somehow missed stopping this pain in my life, He was there - I knew He was, I know He is - and this pain is for me. When I ask "Was this for me Lord?" I know His answer is yes! And day by day it is easier to accept....
"Rebecca, I have searched you and I know you. I know when you sit and when you rise. I perceive all your thoughts from afar. I discern your going out and your lying down; and am familiar with all your ways. Before a word is on your tongue I know it completely. I have hemed you in behind and I lay my hand upon you. Such knowledge is to wonderful for you, to lofty for you to attain. Where could you go from My Spirit? Where could you flee from My presence? If you go to the heavens, I am there. If you made your bed in the depths, I am there. If you rose of the wings of the dawn, or settled on the far side of the sea, even there My hand will guide you, My right hand will hold you up. If you say "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to Me; the night will shine like the day for the darkness is light to Me. For I created you, your inmost being; I knit you together in your mothers womb. Praise Me, the Lord your God, because I made you fearfully (with reverence) and wonderfully; and you know My works are wonderful. You were not hidden from me, when I made you in the secret place, when I wove your together in the depths of the earth. I saw your unformed body; all the days I planned for you were written in My book before one of them came to be. How precious are my thoughts toward you, Rebecca! How vast is the sum of them! Were you to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand - when you are awake, I am still with you.... " A very personalized Psalm 139

"Lord, thank You for knowing me, creating me, and giving me Your truth. I feel honored to know it, I feel honored to carry it despite circumstances that are always changing and often challenging me lately. This year has been hard, I know You have been and are here, You see it. I acknowledge Your power over all of this, and yet also Your sovereignty. God thank you for making a sermon for me, thank you for knowing what I needed to hear on a very specific day You gave to me. I didn't like the thought of October 20 at all, but I realize that day was for me. I look forward to the days coming, because I know You - and I trust You with them all. The easy ones and the hardest ones. I love you Lord"

Moments until you are 2!

Elizabeth, this post will be brief, you turn 2 in 10 minutes. In 10 minutes you move from baby to a true toddler, though I already see you as such, now airlines and some amusement parks will also see you this way. I can't imagine telling people you are 2, you are my baby, I just can't see beyond this, now 9 minutes. I can see past the memories of the these almost 2 years (8 minutes). You amaze me, you are incredible and so intelligent, what will tomorrow bring? Will you grow an inch tomorrow, probably not, but there will be a change and it won't be a visible one, but I will feel different in 7 minutes, I just know it. So here I sit, anxious for what is about to come, you are my angel, my safe space so many days. Today you were so cuddly and I just know those years between cuddles and personal space are coming - and those years are going to pass as quickly as the past 2 have. I wait, its 6 minutes now. I feel sick. I don't want to say goodbye to these years - these baby years. The years that have taken people back, that someone so young could be so talkative, and count, and identify letter and colors and animals - will be people be as surprised when I tell them you are 2 and not 1 any longer. I have held on to 1, like I am holding to these last 4 minutes I have. Daddy is over here snoring and 2 years ago about this time, he was doing just the same, prepping for your arrival by being well rested, me not so much, I was up, like I am now. I was just waiting for what was to come, like these last 3 minutes are coming. What should I write that can't wait another moment, that I love you so much, that you are the light that sparks my heart. You have blessed me beyond expectation, you are Elizabeth! I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you..... One minute.........

When you look at heaven!

Elizabeth, when you look at Heaven and "Hi Jesus," I am blown away. Your memory of Him is so clear, and you simply greet Him. It makes me wonder, in your innocence, if are you experiencing Him in a more honest way than even me. Do you remember Him? Is He like a person you can talk to, because I know He is, but I wonder what you know. You randomly start singing "Jesus loves me" and I think in all honestly, you get it. At some point, it feels like more than I have taught you, I may have taught you the song, the phrase, the name, but today - you looked up and said "Hi Jesus" all on your own, I wish I understood how much you are grasping from talking with Him. And maybe in my heart, I am building this into to much, but nah.... God is setting a foundation for you, I am happy to be part of it. He wants you to know His son, like He has let me know Him. Oh and you so quickly rush to speak with Him; what I love most is that nothing was holding you back. Mommy often approaches God so cautiously because I may have stumbled that day and my heart just doesn't "seem" clean enough to talk with Him. So I hesitate, because I fear the consciousness I have of my sin before Him, but I will talk to Him anyway. I will remove my own guilt and approach the One, the forgiver, the One, the lover, the One grace giver. So here I go.... "Hi Jesus, can I talk to you as innocently as my 1 year old?" and I know His reply is "Yes."

Just a little note: I taught Elizabeth all of those things about Jesus, His name, where He dwells, and who is with Him in heaven (God, Cary and Eli). She is so sweet, she looks up and for a week it has been simply "Hi Jesus" and then today she followed it with "Hi Cary, Hi Eli." Tears welled up in my eyes, I responded to her greeting "Just tell them that you love them and miss them." She then continues to look up and says "I love you, I miss you" oh, mommy and does too...... I really do.

Not a long way down!

This will not be an easy to post to write, not emotionally, but actually. Elizabeth is touching my stomach and yelling "belly, belly, belly" and then tapping it as it jiggles, and yes, I just shared that with all of you, lucky. She also has a bucket of toys dumped onto her lap and get frustrated with them if they don't behave just right, so right now they aren't. Well, super mommy to the rescue, the toys obey me and then all is made right in the world.... She is happy once again.
Lately I have been secretly writing but today I knew I needed to write something postable.
And this post really started because, as much and as challenging as some of her behaviors have become - the good stuff, like the song she is making up and singing about a zebra and "I meet the lizard" (or something like that) well, these moments are just toooooo good. They are so good and I know they won't last. Today it just struck how much some of things I complain about, I will miss so much when they are gone. Like going to the bathroom, I mean you would think the smells alone would send her running out, not in. But today she had to be near me, so she brought in her colors and paper and laid on the bathroom floor and colored while I um.... Anyways, I know that implies TMI - but in that moment, as nasty as I think laying on the bathroom floor is, I realized.... "One day it is going to gross her out that she did this, and she will never do it again when this age is over." The moment was rare, a visible representation of the closeness, the bond we share. Experiencing the honest reality that she "has to be" so close to me that she would lay on a bathroom floor just to color in my presence, this ain't happening in a year; maybe even a month as she gains grasp of dirty and clean, okay and gross. Oh my, this is cause for celebration, I have something to share with those boyfriends she attempts to bring in my presence, because when I tell her she did this when she is 16 - she is probably going to be completely grossed out, at herself (or at me for allowing it). YES!!!!!
So, I just smile and feel an actually sense of joy over the thought that my daughter loves me, values me, desires to share her life with me. So here I am, loved, valued, important - and then I talk to who I love and value and find most important, my Father, God.
"Sitting at Your feet, is where I want to be. I'm home when I am here with You. Ruined by Your grace, enamored by your gaze. I can't resist the tenderness of You. I'm deep in love with You Abba Father, I'm deep in love with You Lord. My heart it beats for You precious Jesus. I'm deep in love with You Lord." ("Deep in Love with You Lord" - Michael W. Smith)
Honestly, here is my situation, I need to sit at His feet, desiring nothing more than closeness to my Father. Just like E will, one day, not just plop down wherever, whenever; often I have forgotten and not just sat when I needed too; I will miss her and He misses me. So I  go to sit, then I realize that where I am to sit is somewhere much dirtier than a bathroom floor. Yet in the same way I know E had no concept of where she was sitting, she sat their joyfully because of who she was with (that was me, go mommy go); so I just need to sit, He is begging me to just sit. He ask me to remove those concerns and concepts of where I should be sitting, and just do it, now, sit now, like right now, at His feet. Then, when I get down there, no matter where "it" ends up being, I know I really won't care, because I just need to get there....and thankfully it's not that far from where I stand......

E and I with the necklace she made me!

Talking to Strangers

So I am a working mommy now, not like full-time, but part-time and at night, oh, and Saturdays. Chase told E today that I was at work because she finally realized I wasn't around as much, and so all night she said "Mommies working." He said it was cute, I bet it was!!!
Anyways, going to work makes you talk with strangers. Here I am trying to get to know these women I work with (and I really like them...) but, they are still strangers. I have worked 3 whole days now, GO ME, and tonight I shared the chunk of my life that is my hard. I felt weird doing so, I didn't want them to think I am out for pity, but at some point I have to face that this is who I am; and if they ask me about my kids, well, I respond "How well do you want to know me?" If they say anything that means "I want to know you well." I am going to share it. Okay, so I am talking to strangers, I am praying that what I say and what they receive my words to be are the same thing. I am praying that in the end they don't hear me at all. Instead I hope they hear a loving God, one whose love pours out on me like an unending river to my heart (check this out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4pY7AmmV7A). A river strong enough to erupt from inside of me, to them. I like talking with these strangers, I know God does........

Tangled............

Yes, I am referring to the movie. It has been an interesting few weeks to say the least. I feel a mess and Tangled seems like much more than a movie title in our home, it has been daily life both internally and externally.
Mothering  E is always an adventure, I seriously feel like it is. I never know what is going to happen daily, between her and I the spontaneousness of our lives is just living one big adventure. We wake up some mornings and just decide that today would be a great zoo day or it would be fun to have a last minute run to the park! I love living this way, its fun, its crazy, it keeps me busy and I need to be busy. Plus being gone means my house also gets to be interesting - like the pile of clothes on the dining table (it's customized and constantly changeable art in my opinion). But in the past 2 weeks the spontaneous nature of our home has been shifted as we spent 2 days at the Dr's office and one afternoon at the hospital. E had a fractured skull and then the next week she got sick - we stayed in - boring.... But now she is obsessed with "Tangled." It has been played everyday for 7 days - I could totally perform it for all of you, and if you ask I might just say YES! I loved Tangled, I am sick of Tangled, I have a feeling I will be watching Tangled tomorrow. I tried to talk her out of it today, but it wasn't happening.
So what type of parent lets their kid talk them into watching a movie everyday, even when they dont want to - the sacrificial kind. I am tooting my own horn, but my ears and mind have been overtaken by a fairy tale - that is sacrifice. The little bit of brain power I have is being consumed by songs, and horseys, and lots of hair.... But I will do it, I will watch it and sing every song with her, dance and watch my 1 year old practically quote it because she has been bound to our home, and so have I. Thankfully yesterday her fever broke, we are on the up-swing. Because of this we randomly decided last night at dinner to pack up and head to the beach after and watch the sunset - it was perfect, spontaneous and a great view! Then tonight, we hopped in the car after church and went to Ritas (E and I were both screaming for ice cream, it was fun).
We are living our days, what we have I am choosing to enjoy. I had a few break downs these past weeks - I barely slept after E hurt her head because of the fear of anything bad happening to her. Then she got sick, and once again I was consumed by fear, those were rough days for me. Circumstance, happenstance, whatever - I have had to face some sadness lately. However, no matter how much sadness could flood my mind at our families loss, at any given moment, I just have to let myself be consumed in living, all while missing them.
I don't know how to write this without being whiny, but I am going for it anyway. Every time I think of what I should be right now, whom I should be holding (both that Cary would be a month old or that I would be 17 weeks pregnant with Eli - although I could not have had both) I still cry - I cry. It happens almost everyday. When I think of living and enjoying E and being her mommy, I smile - I always smile. Emotions tangled together...... Tangled.............................

Waiting on Something Profound!

Just thinking of Job (from the bible), in the midst of his suffering. He needed to accept the horrible outcome of his life, and what God had actively allowed to be done to him.
What he needed was something profound.

Profound words, advice, truth!

When you are going through trials people tell you a lot of their thoughts on your circumstances and your situation. They honestly do their best to tell you, the sufferer, the very best and most profound thought they have. And truly the most profound thoughts, that people tell you, are some of the most healing and humbling. Humbleness is a big part of healing, realizing that you are not above your suffering, that it and the result of it are a part of you.

Profoundness that has helped me:
"The Moon is Round" - I didn't come up with this, but it moved me. The moon is always round, I know this and so do you. The the moon doesn't always look round - and even when it doesn't I still know IT IS! Thinking of God in trials, sometimes we can only see a sliver and that sliver is the pain. Our wish is that we would understand and see more, but for now we cant - but here it is - WE KNOW IT IS THERE The answers, reasons and glory that God will receive from all of this suffering - it is there even when we can't see it yet. The story and the coming glory of this story are there with Him - He is all in whether or not I can see it.
"Having vs. Parenting" - I have always felt called to have a big family, and often I had looked at these losses as "set-backs" as if I was saying "Well at this rate I am never going to have all the children God wants me to have." I give myself way to much credit obviously! My counselor posed this question to me the other day and it struck me - hard - more like a blow to the heart. He didn't mean it harshly and was gentle when he asked but he said "Rebecca I believe you when you say God told you that you would have lots of kids, but how many did He promise you that you would get to parent?"

You know who is Profound - God - He is full of wisdom, He is full of creativity and all of this beyond my complete comprehension. So back to Job, he needed something profound, he needed something humbling because well, his life sucked for a while, it did. His wife and friends could not offer the words, the thoughts that were anywhere close to what he needed in his suffering because it was so great. But there is this moment, well, WAY more than a single moment, in Job 38 when God begins to speak and Job listens. He is about to hear something humbling, something healing, something PROFOUND!
Job 38 (Click link for entire chapter and more...)
Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt? Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment. The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken. “Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this."

What we need when we suffer is God and His infinite, profound wisdom. Wisdom beyond my own, wisdom beyond yours. We need His word - it humbles us because He is a great God. A God who is with us, and has wisdom that He continually gives to us, a God who can heal us!

Honestly I don't have all the answers, I am learning, I am slowly learning....... I am healing....... slowly healing..... I am being humbled...... slowly being humbled. 

So here is my challenge: His wisdom is so much that I cannot learn enough of Him in just my own experience(s). I need His words and truth to know Him and to continue living in His healing power. I need to know what He has done for you - because God has healed you and when He did, He gave you something - something that needs to be shared. I am sure there were profound, ah-ha moments and I need to hear them. 

So below or on my facebook, take your time and take as much space as you need. Tell me and other readers your story - share the journey that God walked you through, share His truth because what we all are in need of is

Something Profound! 

The days you would give (almost) anything to go back....

A Hopeful Post in the Midst of Truths I don't want to accept!
Time, a precious gift. There have been a million, literally a million, songs, poems, blogs, quotes, speeches on the fact that time just keeps passing us by. But we still wish we could go back, enjoy that amazing day with your family again, have the time to create another memory that never happened because of circumstance,  go on to have one more conversation with your Grandpa just to ask him one more question, or sit and look at old photos with the 1 person you know who is in them - so you could hear the story of that day from their lips one more time. One hug, one moment, one photo, one more moment of mutually expressed love... Oh, dear time, you pass us by.
I am not sure why this is consuming my thoughts tonight, but I assure you I saw pictures on facebook tonight of people who would have loved a little more time with someone they loved. I don't know every story, but you have known mine. I would have loved another day (or really infinite days) with my little babies, but I have to focus on the days I get with Chase and E, making the most of what I actually get and accepting the time I will never have until Heaven. I question what time I would want to gain or get back, what would change in my story if I had it to do over, do you wonder that often too? There are some moments I would love to relive for the joy that was, and time I wish I had been given for the joy that could have been.
Oh Lord, what will you say about our fleeting time:

Ecclesiastes 3: 1 - 15
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account."

A wise teacher, known to be wise by Gods own wisdom, as a gift, wrote this. I cant help but assume that he understood things would happen and we would love to have a chance to go back, but unfortunately it would never exist for him or us. What to do? We accept our time as it is. We accept the Sovereignty of God. However, I love the conclusion he comes to in Ecc. 9: 1
"So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God’s hands, but no one knows whether love or hate awaits them."

No do-overs, no over-time. We have no idea what our lives will turn out like - if we could go back, what would change? If we had been given more time or just taken what was there, what would change? We think we know the answer, somehow our lives would turn out better. But if God gave us what we have, and He was wise enough to let this wisdom (above) be known to us, then I choose to follow His wisdom. Reminiscencing on my past, not for the pain, but for the "satisfaction in the toil." Those moments that will make me more like the person He has always intended me to become, His son Jesus. Knowing who I was and who I am becoming because of the time I can't have or take back from my past. I would love going back, but I will love going forward more, one day...one day I will love THIS more!

Fits and Healing

This post is about E and I. The fits are hers, the healing is mine.
Today started out, well, EARLY. I asked E lay in bed a little longer and just rest (night, night). And even though it was morning, and the sun was just starting to brighten the room, she complied for about 20 minutes (THANK YOU E). In her mind I definitely think she was wondering why she had to lay down when the sun was coming up - because she is a genius child who can put 2 and 2 together (kinda). So this start, I thought that meant a GREAT day to come, that thought lied to me - BIG TIME, or so it seemed in the events to follow.
When she and I finally got up from "resting" a little more, she and I did the morning thing, which I drag myself through. After a diaper change I put on Barney and put her breakfast on her little table with some juice and a puzzle. Momma had a big day planned, I was going to a fancy mall and I wanted to wear some make-up (readers gasp and ask themselves "When is that last time I saw Becca in make-up?"). Thinking this set up would allow me that, I walk the literal 20 steps to the bathroom and thus began the fits. E comes in, guns blazing, wanting to get into everything in the bathroom or get me to come watch Barney with her.
Well since neither of those were good options for attempting to wear make-up, I resolved to continue in the bathroom. She lost it, if I ended her havoc on my cabinets or told her to go to the living room alone, she thrust herself on the floor. Now I know that E is truly the sweetest child, I adore her, I love her with an unswayed, unconditional love, but she was going bonkers. I tried to reason with her, and eventually I was done with my 10 minute task and I came out of the bathroom (looking amazing thank you very much), got her dressed and myself. We moved on, but it set in motion what would continue for a few hours following.
She was indecisive today. Yes, my 1 year old was indecisive today? Strange right? She just could not decide if she was happy or sad, mad or giddy, Barney or Fresh Beat Band........ It was frustrating, but it relates perfectly to how I feel right now - indecisive, happy or sad momma. And E is becoming so much like me. Her mood, her love, her cuddles; they all remind me of how I am. She sees me, she imitates me, she is becoming like me. So who am I and who am I becoming? Who does God want me to become?
Two conversations today molded me a bit more - the realization of who I am and who I need to be for her sake. I need to become more like Jesus, both for her sake and mine.
When God told me to name her Elizabeth - I heard Him loud and clear. I knew it was her name, it means "Consecrated to God" and she is fully that, I recognize that she is fully His. I hope as she grows and understands Him and that she chooses Him back. Her middle name is Asa, which means "Healer."
I believe names are important, they are a reflection of who we are. I especially feel that God knows what our names are; He knows you by name and He knows what that name will mean for His kingdom. However, I always thought of E's name as a benefit to others - that God would use her to heal scars of past loss for our family because she is named after my late Grandmother Elizabeth, I thought God would use her to preach His healing of sins consequence and be His mouthpiece of that healing - I never though her name would mean her...healing me. God knows her name and what her name means. God knew she would play a pivotal role in the healing of her own mother from these loses we have experienced, unforeseen to us when she first came along. She plays a major role in getting through this, I have to care for her, I have to love her,  I have to get-up and drag myself through mornings and mourning. Those "have-to's" are a big part of me surviving this. And she is there, there to receive my care and love, and return it with kisses, hugs and cuddles. I feel blessed, even with the loses. I have a gift, more than a daughter, but a Healer who gave me a little healer to hold, and ultimately healed 2 little babies whom I wont. So today started with fits but oh, it got sooooo good. Today she made me laugh, a real laugh. Sometimes we totally fake laugh to make our children laugh (and yes a fake laugh can hold real joy for you and them) but today she made me laugh so hard. I am healing and and that was today..........................

Some Truths

These days are still hard, my emotions are not always in check. I have been making little notes here and there about God and His ways for our family. Things about His truths for our lives and I just want you to know, this post is much more preachy, but there is emotion behind these words. There is a Momma just trying to "survive" and glean the good stuff. I have to have something better to live for then the pain in my heart. After I initially posted this I read it again and I felt like it was cold, but when I wrote it tears welled up in eyes often, then I realized my preachyness.... But I want to let you know I am healing, this is a healing post. I haven't posted everyday or even written things as deep as the words that came directly after the blow. You can only recount so many similar, painful thoughts so much because most of the pain just hurts, hurts as it did each day before. But I can learn and I can share what I have learned so here it is.......

Some truths have come from our loss this time:
One of the main ones being able to realize the value of vulnerability. The night I posted my very personal journaling from this experience, I literally felt I would throw up. I know that is not a pretty or appetizing thought, but my stomach was in knots. I felt the urging of the Holy Spirit, knowing it was time to share what He was walking me through, but I was not ready - He was, so I did. I felt absolutely fearful of not being accepted, sounding whiny or helpless. The responses, both public and private have been so encouraging, allowing me to realize that being vulnerable doesn't mean you will be shot down, but very much that people needed me to be open, some needed to hear that God is a God who doesn't fear the path that is loss, and is scary, and nothing that we would trek down by choice. He is God that doesn't care how badly satan attacked us because of our circumstance, He is with us, He knows what it takes to Heal us.Chase told me he was happy to hear me laughing today, I have been laughing a lot more.

Another big truth has been figuring out why I am grieving. Okay the answer seems obvious I know "Becca, you just lost two babies in 8 months, reason to grieve? I think yes." But in truth I am very distant from grieving their lack of presence with me, because they are present with their Father. Eli has ascended to make his presence known to his Father. Cary has been carried to Love, the best Love she could ever know. I am in tears writing this, but I rejoice because they are whole. Their battle is over, and it was victorious - they won. What satan would use for evil against me, the grief I feel from our loss, was VICTORY for them. It was a victory I hated in the early days of this, but each day I love it a little bit more. And me, I will survive this. I will...... But I grieve, I grieve the loss of the person who was their mother - the person I anticipated becoming in their days with me. I definitely miss the thought of a having a newborn to hold and this hurts, this loss hurts. I wanted E to know she was a big sissy, but she doesn't she is unaware. I always have wanted a BIG family and after the first miscarriage I was ready to try again, have the children I always  wanted - just one after the other. Its becoming hard for us now, some times I fear this challenge; other times I realize He is just allowing this challenge for His benefit and glory - that others would see that no matter how hard life gets, and how much satan seeks to ruin and destroy a person because of it, God has not abandon me and I will not retreat from His side. I know He is walking closely with me. The words I wrote shortly after losing Cary have been wandering in my mind often:

"God prepared me, my entire life, to deal with exactly what He has given me and in this case taken from me. The closeness I have with Him, I cherish it, that bond exists to help me through the trials He has sent me to. In comparison to some, my loss is small, but God purposed my life to be here now, and I am not hopeless. I am redeemed."

I have been saying this, my daily quote "I will survive this!"

The above truth has led to some thoughts I have always known but the gravity of them has set in. One is that Chase and I are very blessed to have two children who know the truth and sit with Him daily, they are home; but we hold a great responsibility to lead E to that truth. The war is still raging for her soul and I determined to battle it out for Gods victory. But God knows her future, trusting Him each step, listening to His words, following Him closely so she sees Him in my life - what a great responsibility - I want to see all my children at His feet, humbled in His presence. Did I know I had this responsibility? Yes, but to understand that I have children experiencing Him already, makes me want it so much more for E as well. Speaking of sitting at His feet, in His presence. I have come to realize how great His love is because I was searching for a memento to speak to this journey and kind of have something tangible to cling to, as I strive to share this story. So I was looking at those hand-stamped necklaces and I found one I really liked - it had a charm on it that said "Love you more" and then you could personalize charms with your children's names, I wanted one for E, Cary, and Eli. I started to put the order together and God struck me "That necklace isn't right? It isn't true. You don't love them more." I started thinking on that thought, I knew what God was clearly telling me. My children in heaven have experienced perfect love and know how to love perfectly. I, though I know how to love, and love a lot, I have only been given perfect love from the Father, never have I loved anyone perfectly. It would be impossible for me to love them more, I don't know how. It again brings the water works when I think of that, for all the reasons it should - but I loved knowing that. So I found a much more appropriate and TRUE charm - its says Psalm 23 - and that is His truth!!!

I think I need to rename this blog!

June 20th - Cary's due date. Tonight I feel strong enough to post this. It is messy, it's long, it's only part of our story, but my life is not simply for me to live it, but to share it. So here I am sharing it. Please don't feel that you have to read this at all, I am not out for your pity; but if you want to read about a changed person, well then, read it. I am still changing; follow me, because I am walking with the Son toward the Father - just trying to figure out what He wants with my life - and this change hurt A LOT. It hurt more than anything, and it still hurts, it lingers, it will for a while. But I am ready for you to know what God has done in our lives, the healing He has given us when Satan would love nothing more than to destroy us! We are not destroyed, we are being lifted up!

June 17th 2013 when I thought I had the courage to post this, I didn't.

I haven't been ready to post this blog and right now my stomach is is knots at the thought of doing so. This is my raw emotion, at one point you will see a comma at the end of the paragraph because I literally could not write anymore, I could not face what needed to be said. But today I prepared myself to wear my story. I need to wear this, this is who I have become. Not by choice, but by the sovereignty of God. I am this person.... I am this mother, I am this griever. I am walking this journey - I never thought this road would lead me here, but it has. If God intends to use my life to bring Him glory - well, "Here I am Lord, I will tell what you have made my life, I will share this even though it feels like it rips at the person I thought I was before this, I am being made new - its is an ugly journey ripping away the old. Yet, I know You are here, You are here Lord"

Our baby, well, his name is Eli. That is a cool blessing God gave us. Right after the OB told us for sure that I has miscarried, though I knew I had obviously. Well, then I immediately turned to Chase and said "I want to name him Eli (I was sure it was a boy) because it means Ascension in Hebrew and that is what this baby has done" Chase gets this crazy peaceful face, in the middle of this horrible moment and says "This morning I was laying in bed and God gave me this thought, I started thinking about the name Eli and I thought about how much I liked it when God told me that." I started crying, but peace in chaos, peace in chaos.......

Monday morning June 10. Right after my OB appointment:

This post is going to be hard for me to write. I don't write about my life, and throw it all out there for you to feel sorry for me. However, when you read this I know that you will feel for me, you cant help yourself - that is okay.

To give you a glimpse into the title, I think somehow my life is turning into something I never thought it would be. And recently this blog has been less about mothering E and more about  how I never thought I would be this person, the person who suffers from this sort of loss. When I imagined my life, this was not the way it went. It just doesn't feel like this should have become my struggle, but it has.

I lost another baby to Heaven. Maybe I should not put it that way, but I feel the loss. Having E even makes it harder sometimes because I know what I am missing out on right now.

This weekend I knew something was wrong, I listened to my body, but resided in Faith that waiting this out was the right choice. Saturday I was calm, I was okay, the baby would be okay. Sunday was harder, I realized there was something wrong with baby or me. Today, I knew he was gone. The Doctor and Ultrasound verified that baby had in fact, left to meet his Heavenly Father.

I am lost in emotion right now,

Tuesday June 11. It's over..

The night I wrote to E - it is confusing and a bit disjointed but I wrote.

Wednesday night June 12. This is the first time I can to write about how I feel, at all.

Still lost in emotion, not sure how I feel or trying to decide if I even want to feel. I feel numb and so lost. I feel bland. I know that doesn't make sense, but I feel bland. I feel like I am a just a mass of something tasteless and simple, but right now if I chose to have flavor it would be something disgusting. I know what is inside this mass of me, it is something hurting and broken, and nothing that anyone would want to eat. Is it better to be flavorless or disgusting? I am not sure yet. I don't want to face what happened to me, not because I feel so sorry for myself. I know others have it worse, walking through fires that burn hotter than mine. But, I hate this. I feel bad for not letting myself face this, I feel bad because if I let myself go there then I pity myself when others have it worse, I feel bad for not knowing HOW to deal with this.

I would rather pretend it didn't happen, I would rather ignore it and bury myself in TV. I would rather tell you about the crap my body dealt with in the aftermath and forget why my body started doing that in the first place. It is easier to think of what happened to my body then to think of WHY it happened.

That seems like a step in the right direction. That last sentence actually helped me realize why I am shying away from talking about Eli, because when he was gone, something horrible happened to me. A reminder of his passing, but scary for Chase and I. My body was messed up and it took a lot to fix it, it is better now, it is over and I can talk about that - but why it all began. I lost my baby and that I cannot face right now. I cant deal with this loss right now. When I write this next part I will cry. 2 babies in 8 months. Why me? I know God trusts me with this, but that is some of my problem, I want to handle this right and not facing it means I don't have to handle it right now. I can put it on the backburner - which is on....simmer. Its simmering, its on my mind, its hurting me inside, but I can ignore it for a while, its not roaring at a hot boil, its waiting for me to pull it forward and deal, but today it remains on simmer. I cant I am not ready.... I am still so lost.

Spiritual things I am feeling right now:

Comforted by Him: 

I am lost right now, trying to reach up because I know that is where I reach. The only way. Struggling to understand His ways, but following as closely as I can because He is the way. I am still processing this and slowly I have been writing about my experience right now, but it is slow. I have not really faced what has happened, but tonight I was writing and God brought me to my words the night I had announced our babies coming, and in light of the losing him (I really believe it was a boy) it seemed like a small step in my journey to reflect on who God is despite my circumstance, He is the same God I prayed to when things were good, He is the same. The prayer still stands.

Posted this to facebook, baby step:

I wrote this to the Lord when I felt He had fulfilled a promise to our family. He did not break a promise, He doesn't know how to do that, but He fulfilled it in a way I was not ready to accept. He is still God, He doesn't need to surrender control to me in my life, and in truth I don't want Him too. I need His ways, I need His plans, I need to trust Him as I follow Him. He is as good today as He was the day I wrote these word to Him.... when promises felt fulfilled. I know the day of fulfillment is coming, in His time.

"Lord, I am trying my best to trust You in these moments, living now and not for what is in store tomorrow. Basking in the glory You have set before me today, it is enough. It is time to enjoy Your plans now. I rush and rush, but You don't need my rushing Your time. You plan to fulfill your purpose in my life, You know the future and it is not in need of my worry or exhausting myself to reach it sooner. I will be there, knowing it is the right time when I reach it! Today, help me not waste anymore of my time, I wasted a lot in worry, my focus was on everything but what mattered, forgive me for that and help me move past the regret. Work in me Lord. Help me! I need You! Not knowing what else to say, I thank You for this day. It will be a great one because it is Yours! I love you Lord."

Walking through fire.... Let me be beyond refined. 1 Peter 1:3 - 9 

I think when people see this they think of the bad being burned away and becoming more holy or nearing some sort of perfection. Not me, when I wrote this Monday I was realizing that who I was had burned, in a painful way my story is being refined, it
has changed. Therefore I am becoming refined, I am closer to who God has known I should become (like Jesus) because I walked through a burning fire that took something from me. I walked through a nasty fire, but God walks with me, He is taking me through it. It cannot consume me, I will survive this and when I am out, when I am healed from the burns, I am beyond refined. I have become a mother of 3 who holds 1 in her arms, this is His story, my journey. Through fire to become refined into being who He wants me to be, like His Son Jesus. I hate accepting this, but I am. 

" 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

Thursday: 

Mud, I feel mud. All around me. I feel like I am in mud now and I am reaching one hand up out of the mud. The hand is reaching for His truth, why He choose this to be my story, His truth in my life. That is all. Not sure how I am breathing under all this mud, but He is sustaining me I guess (Well, I know He is).

Thursday night:

So today I think I will much write much more in facts and not imagery, but I cant make any promises. I went to talk with a Pro today, it helped. It brought up a lot of my feelings, feelings I didn't want to feel. I went in thinking I needed to do one thing - to process; just to get there and realize I was processing this, I was just doing it slowly. I want to process it and move forward, heal and deal, but this time that just isn't happening and you know what talking with a pro helped me realize - THAT IS NORMAL. I haven't felt normal or okay, but today I found out it is okay to to deal with this slowly, its okay to not rush the process of dealing with this. Did I mention that to the Pro I sounded NORMAL? Normal, a descriptive word I would not have been using to describe myself right now. Confused, frustrated, angry, sad, made, LOST, guilty.... those were the descriptive words I use, but to hear that I am normal for feeling all those things - well that felt good. Today was a rollercoaster ride of emotions, but I talked today, I said things out loud about what happened to our family, our loss, my loss. I said words out loud, I didn't even want to hear the words coming from my mouth, but they did. When I got home Chase and I even talked about this, and more than just a sentence or too. Afterwards, we even shared a few laughs because of the stupid tricks I decided to try to play on him, but it was all so freeing. I am healing, it’s slow, but it is happening. Yesterday I didn't know I could feel that way, that I could heal, but today I am much more hopeful, even though feeling better still seems far away!

Friday:

So today I know that this sounds crazy but I went with my best friend Amy for her 16 week ultrasound to find out if she is having a boy or a girl. She is having a party tonight to reveal the gender of the baby, so she didn't find out if it was a boy or girl - however I know what it is. As she doesn't know right now, it makes me feel so honored their family would let me know this special information about the baby even before them. I wondered if I was making the right choice going, if I could keep my composure and let her bask in the happiness of this day. Would she feel bad for me and not enjoy it? 

Well, I am so glad I went, I handled it better than I thought I would, we laughed and giggled as we saw baby play and suck HER thumb. It was precious it took me back to seeing E during that time and the joy I felt seeing my baby move around, and living inside me. It made me realize I will do this again, I can do this again, I can have that joy again. These days have been so rough, I have felt like I never could do this again for the risk of losing another baby and feeling this pain, but I feel today more hopeful, I want that joy again, its worth the risk. 

Saturday:

I wrote some deeply personal things today, things I don't want people to read. Some were kind of mean, but I wrote them in anger. I thought about typing what I wrote, but I journaled because at the moment I could not get myself out of bed, it was a bad day. Today was hard. Today I felt the pain of the last day I thought I was pregnant, when things seemed fine. If I had just done something different, would this week have never happened. Regret, guilt, consuming fear... that was today. 

Sunday: 

We went to church today, I didn't think I could do it, but we did. Chase said he was proud of me for coming with him, it was good. Pastor talked about a hopeless land and being rescued from it. That was the short of it, it was a great sermon. I felt emotions come over me like a wave. I bowed my head when he was talking about this land; it is a place no one wants to be. I related, but as I took a moment to hear the Lord He reminded me, "I am not hopeless, I am full of hope". I made it through this Fathers Day with the Father. It wasn't the day I anticipated having; I think it was hard for Chase because we limited our celebration. The short posts I am realizing are on the hardest days, some days I just can’t write. 

Monday Night, June 17th: 

"God help me, this is really just one of the hardest weeks of my life. You know, I miscarried a baby due June 20, this feels like the countdown to my sorrow. I am working on sharing this journey but I miscarried our 2nd baby a week ago. I am failing miserably on the inside. It hurts - and it just seems this pain will not end! I feel like a mess, a horrible mess. I hate this, I hate these feelings. I hate them. 

I ordered a necklace today it will have Psalm 23 on one charm, as You Lord have given those words to me on this journey. It will have a charm for Elizabeth and one for Cary and one for Eli - they are Yours, but they are mine too, they are my story, my journey, my family. I love and hate that they are in heaven, mainly love, but I miss them. I wish I knew them - I wish I knew more about Cary and I wish I had more than an ultrasound photo of Eli and more than a memory of his sweet heartbeat at 173 beats!!!! I want more, but I will have that one day, You will give that to me, I know you will. The necklace is me wearing Your story, my journey with You for all to see, I am scared of it and excited for it. I am happy to have a chance to tell Your story - but I am still scared of that fact this story is something I was not ready for and never wanted. No one will want to be me, but I pray You will speak through me none the less. Let this gift Chase allowed me to have, be a gift to You because it will speak of what You have done for me. The tears slowly subside when I remember that You have glory for me, but there is so much pain between what is now and where Your glory seems to be. I have to face so much pain to get to that glory and I just cant sift through that pain right now. I don't even know what to wish, because I know I have to face this, it is mine, it is what You have chosen to walk me through, that You would not leave me alone, thank you. That You would conquer this pain, thank you, but I know it is taking time. Thank you for letting me grieve. I love you Lord and I just don't know what else to say." 

Elizabethisms

A little message from Elizabeth:


kl ffzfggh vj77777777777
\

2 rg ,o  .,]]fbjnn n bh n nnn

Right now this is about how I feel, as she is talker that never says much I understand. I am loving this age for that, I love her babbling, and since I have a vivid imagination I always pretend I know exactly what she is talking about.

Knowing it is time.....

TODAY: I have been so uneasy in my heart, especially today. I almost can't verbalize to God because I am scared of His response. I know it will be "Yes" I know it will rock my world. I am living in His will, so I know it is time.
RECENTLY: So much fulfillment of His promises have come to be in our lives recently and for me the urgency and details ALL need to be worked out TODAY, but it is not the time for those questions to be answered. I therefore am learning to simply live in the moment He has placed our family in; living in this time, here and now.
"Lord, I am trying my best to trust You in these moments, living now and not for what is in store tomorrow. Basking in the glory You have set before me today, it is enough. It is time to enjoy Your plans now. I rush and rush, but You don't need my rushing Your time. You plan to fulfill your purpose in my life, You know the future and it is not in need of my worry or exhausting myself to reach it sooner. I will be there, knowing it is the right time when I reach it! Today, help me not waste anymore of my time, I wasted a lot in worry, my focus was on everything but what mattered, forgive me for that and help me move past the regret. Work in me Lord. Help me! I need You! Not knowing what else to say, I thank You for this day. It will be a great one because it is Yours! I love you Lord."

Just so you know I practically could not type that because I wanted my eyes to be closed and focus on what I was saying to Him, plus I never type anymore so I am awful now!

In case you (the reader) are oh so curious now, I have to say one thing our family is enjoying this moment and praying to keep enjoying in the future, but ME trying not to rush it. I am pregnant again, due Dec. 27th! So that happened........ Awesome right?
The other recent thing, well, it is in the works for our family, and as to not rush Him, our leader and provider, I will let you in on it very soon!

Love to you all!
-Rebecca, Chase, and Big Sister Elizabeth!