Some Truths

These days are still hard, my emotions are not always in check. I have been making little notes here and there about God and His ways for our family. Things about His truths for our lives and I just want you to know, this post is much more preachy, but there is emotion behind these words. There is a Momma just trying to "survive" and glean the good stuff. I have to have something better to live for then the pain in my heart. After I initially posted this I read it again and I felt like it was cold, but when I wrote it tears welled up in eyes often, then I realized my preachyness.... But I want to let you know I am healing, this is a healing post. I haven't posted everyday or even written things as deep as the words that came directly after the blow. You can only recount so many similar, painful thoughts so much because most of the pain just hurts, hurts as it did each day before. But I can learn and I can share what I have learned so here it is.......

Some truths have come from our loss this time:
One of the main ones being able to realize the value of vulnerability. The night I posted my very personal journaling from this experience, I literally felt I would throw up. I know that is not a pretty or appetizing thought, but my stomach was in knots. I felt the urging of the Holy Spirit, knowing it was time to share what He was walking me through, but I was not ready - He was, so I did. I felt absolutely fearful of not being accepted, sounding whiny or helpless. The responses, both public and private have been so encouraging, allowing me to realize that being vulnerable doesn't mean you will be shot down, but very much that people needed me to be open, some needed to hear that God is a God who doesn't fear the path that is loss, and is scary, and nothing that we would trek down by choice. He is God that doesn't care how badly satan attacked us because of our circumstance, He is with us, He knows what it takes to Heal us.Chase told me he was happy to hear me laughing today, I have been laughing a lot more.

Another big truth has been figuring out why I am grieving. Okay the answer seems obvious I know "Becca, you just lost two babies in 8 months, reason to grieve? I think yes." But in truth I am very distant from grieving their lack of presence with me, because they are present with their Father. Eli has ascended to make his presence known to his Father. Cary has been carried to Love, the best Love she could ever know. I am in tears writing this, but I rejoice because they are whole. Their battle is over, and it was victorious - they won. What satan would use for evil against me, the grief I feel from our loss, was VICTORY for them. It was a victory I hated in the early days of this, but each day I love it a little bit more. And me, I will survive this. I will...... But I grieve, I grieve the loss of the person who was their mother - the person I anticipated becoming in their days with me. I definitely miss the thought of a having a newborn to hold and this hurts, this loss hurts. I wanted E to know she was a big sissy, but she doesn't she is unaware. I always have wanted a BIG family and after the first miscarriage I was ready to try again, have the children I always  wanted - just one after the other. Its becoming hard for us now, some times I fear this challenge; other times I realize He is just allowing this challenge for His benefit and glory - that others would see that no matter how hard life gets, and how much satan seeks to ruin and destroy a person because of it, God has not abandon me and I will not retreat from His side. I know He is walking closely with me. The words I wrote shortly after losing Cary have been wandering in my mind often:

"God prepared me, my entire life, to deal with exactly what He has given me and in this case taken from me. The closeness I have with Him, I cherish it, that bond exists to help me through the trials He has sent me to. In comparison to some, my loss is small, but God purposed my life to be here now, and I am not hopeless. I am redeemed."

I have been saying this, my daily quote "I will survive this!"

The above truth has led to some thoughts I have always known but the gravity of them has set in. One is that Chase and I are very blessed to have two children who know the truth and sit with Him daily, they are home; but we hold a great responsibility to lead E to that truth. The war is still raging for her soul and I determined to battle it out for Gods victory. But God knows her future, trusting Him each step, listening to His words, following Him closely so she sees Him in my life - what a great responsibility - I want to see all my children at His feet, humbled in His presence. Did I know I had this responsibility? Yes, but to understand that I have children experiencing Him already, makes me want it so much more for E as well. Speaking of sitting at His feet, in His presence. I have come to realize how great His love is because I was searching for a memento to speak to this journey and kind of have something tangible to cling to, as I strive to share this story. So I was looking at those hand-stamped necklaces and I found one I really liked - it had a charm on it that said "Love you more" and then you could personalize charms with your children's names, I wanted one for E, Cary, and Eli. I started to put the order together and God struck me "That necklace isn't right? It isn't true. You don't love them more." I started thinking on that thought, I knew what God was clearly telling me. My children in heaven have experienced perfect love and know how to love perfectly. I, though I know how to love, and love a lot, I have only been given perfect love from the Father, never have I loved anyone perfectly. It would be impossible for me to love them more, I don't know how. It again brings the water works when I think of that, for all the reasons it should - but I loved knowing that. So I found a much more appropriate and TRUE charm - its says Psalm 23 - and that is His truth!!!

I think I need to rename this blog!

June 20th - Cary's due date. Tonight I feel strong enough to post this. It is messy, it's long, it's only part of our story, but my life is not simply for me to live it, but to share it. So here I am sharing it. Please don't feel that you have to read this at all, I am not out for your pity; but if you want to read about a changed person, well then, read it. I am still changing; follow me, because I am walking with the Son toward the Father - just trying to figure out what He wants with my life - and this change hurt A LOT. It hurt more than anything, and it still hurts, it lingers, it will for a while. But I am ready for you to know what God has done in our lives, the healing He has given us when Satan would love nothing more than to destroy us! We are not destroyed, we are being lifted up!

June 17th 2013 when I thought I had the courage to post this, I didn't.

I haven't been ready to post this blog and right now my stomach is is knots at the thought of doing so. This is my raw emotion, at one point you will see a comma at the end of the paragraph because I literally could not write anymore, I could not face what needed to be said. But today I prepared myself to wear my story. I need to wear this, this is who I have become. Not by choice, but by the sovereignty of God. I am this person.... I am this mother, I am this griever. I am walking this journey - I never thought this road would lead me here, but it has. If God intends to use my life to bring Him glory - well, "Here I am Lord, I will tell what you have made my life, I will share this even though it feels like it rips at the person I thought I was before this, I am being made new - its is an ugly journey ripping away the old. Yet, I know You are here, You are here Lord"

Our baby, well, his name is Eli. That is a cool blessing God gave us. Right after the OB told us for sure that I has miscarried, though I knew I had obviously. Well, then I immediately turned to Chase and said "I want to name him Eli (I was sure it was a boy) because it means Ascension in Hebrew and that is what this baby has done" Chase gets this crazy peaceful face, in the middle of this horrible moment and says "This morning I was laying in bed and God gave me this thought, I started thinking about the name Eli and I thought about how much I liked it when God told me that." I started crying, but peace in chaos, peace in chaos.......

Monday morning June 10. Right after my OB appointment:

This post is going to be hard for me to write. I don't write about my life, and throw it all out there for you to feel sorry for me. However, when you read this I know that you will feel for me, you cant help yourself - that is okay.

To give you a glimpse into the title, I think somehow my life is turning into something I never thought it would be. And recently this blog has been less about mothering E and more about  how I never thought I would be this person, the person who suffers from this sort of loss. When I imagined my life, this was not the way it went. It just doesn't feel like this should have become my struggle, but it has.

I lost another baby to Heaven. Maybe I should not put it that way, but I feel the loss. Having E even makes it harder sometimes because I know what I am missing out on right now.

This weekend I knew something was wrong, I listened to my body, but resided in Faith that waiting this out was the right choice. Saturday I was calm, I was okay, the baby would be okay. Sunday was harder, I realized there was something wrong with baby or me. Today, I knew he was gone. The Doctor and Ultrasound verified that baby had in fact, left to meet his Heavenly Father.

I am lost in emotion right now,

Tuesday June 11. It's over..

The night I wrote to E - it is confusing and a bit disjointed but I wrote.

Wednesday night June 12. This is the first time I can to write about how I feel, at all.

Still lost in emotion, not sure how I feel or trying to decide if I even want to feel. I feel numb and so lost. I feel bland. I know that doesn't make sense, but I feel bland. I feel like I am a just a mass of something tasteless and simple, but right now if I chose to have flavor it would be something disgusting. I know what is inside this mass of me, it is something hurting and broken, and nothing that anyone would want to eat. Is it better to be flavorless or disgusting? I am not sure yet. I don't want to face what happened to me, not because I feel so sorry for myself. I know others have it worse, walking through fires that burn hotter than mine. But, I hate this. I feel bad for not letting myself face this, I feel bad because if I let myself go there then I pity myself when others have it worse, I feel bad for not knowing HOW to deal with this.

I would rather pretend it didn't happen, I would rather ignore it and bury myself in TV. I would rather tell you about the crap my body dealt with in the aftermath and forget why my body started doing that in the first place. It is easier to think of what happened to my body then to think of WHY it happened.

That seems like a step in the right direction. That last sentence actually helped me realize why I am shying away from talking about Eli, because when he was gone, something horrible happened to me. A reminder of his passing, but scary for Chase and I. My body was messed up and it took a lot to fix it, it is better now, it is over and I can talk about that - but why it all began. I lost my baby and that I cannot face right now. I cant deal with this loss right now. When I write this next part I will cry. 2 babies in 8 months. Why me? I know God trusts me with this, but that is some of my problem, I want to handle this right and not facing it means I don't have to handle it right now. I can put it on the backburner - which is on....simmer. Its simmering, its on my mind, its hurting me inside, but I can ignore it for a while, its not roaring at a hot boil, its waiting for me to pull it forward and deal, but today it remains on simmer. I cant I am not ready.... I am still so lost.

Spiritual things I am feeling right now:

Comforted by Him: 

I am lost right now, trying to reach up because I know that is where I reach. The only way. Struggling to understand His ways, but following as closely as I can because He is the way. I am still processing this and slowly I have been writing about my experience right now, but it is slow. I have not really faced what has happened, but tonight I was writing and God brought me to my words the night I had announced our babies coming, and in light of the losing him (I really believe it was a boy) it seemed like a small step in my journey to reflect on who God is despite my circumstance, He is the same God I prayed to when things were good, He is the same. The prayer still stands.

Posted this to facebook, baby step:

I wrote this to the Lord when I felt He had fulfilled a promise to our family. He did not break a promise, He doesn't know how to do that, but He fulfilled it in a way I was not ready to accept. He is still God, He doesn't need to surrender control to me in my life, and in truth I don't want Him too. I need His ways, I need His plans, I need to trust Him as I follow Him. He is as good today as He was the day I wrote these word to Him.... when promises felt fulfilled. I know the day of fulfillment is coming, in His time.

"Lord, I am trying my best to trust You in these moments, living now and not for what is in store tomorrow. Basking in the glory You have set before me today, it is enough. It is time to enjoy Your plans now. I rush and rush, but You don't need my rushing Your time. You plan to fulfill your purpose in my life, You know the future and it is not in need of my worry or exhausting myself to reach it sooner. I will be there, knowing it is the right time when I reach it! Today, help me not waste anymore of my time, I wasted a lot in worry, my focus was on everything but what mattered, forgive me for that and help me move past the regret. Work in me Lord. Help me! I need You! Not knowing what else to say, I thank You for this day. It will be a great one because it is Yours! I love you Lord."

Walking through fire.... Let me be beyond refined. 1 Peter 1:3 - 9 

I think when people see this they think of the bad being burned away and becoming more holy or nearing some sort of perfection. Not me, when I wrote this Monday I was realizing that who I was had burned, in a painful way my story is being refined, it
has changed. Therefore I am becoming refined, I am closer to who God has known I should become (like Jesus) because I walked through a burning fire that took something from me. I walked through a nasty fire, but God walks with me, He is taking me through it. It cannot consume me, I will survive this and when I am out, when I am healed from the burns, I am beyond refined. I have become a mother of 3 who holds 1 in her arms, this is His story, my journey. Through fire to become refined into being who He wants me to be, like His Son Jesus. I hate accepting this, but I am. 

" 3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, 5 who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

Thursday: 

Mud, I feel mud. All around me. I feel like I am in mud now and I am reaching one hand up out of the mud. The hand is reaching for His truth, why He choose this to be my story, His truth in my life. That is all. Not sure how I am breathing under all this mud, but He is sustaining me I guess (Well, I know He is).

Thursday night:

So today I think I will much write much more in facts and not imagery, but I cant make any promises. I went to talk with a Pro today, it helped. It brought up a lot of my feelings, feelings I didn't want to feel. I went in thinking I needed to do one thing - to process; just to get there and realize I was processing this, I was just doing it slowly. I want to process it and move forward, heal and deal, but this time that just isn't happening and you know what talking with a pro helped me realize - THAT IS NORMAL. I haven't felt normal or okay, but today I found out it is okay to to deal with this slowly, its okay to not rush the process of dealing with this. Did I mention that to the Pro I sounded NORMAL? Normal, a descriptive word I would not have been using to describe myself right now. Confused, frustrated, angry, sad, made, LOST, guilty.... those were the descriptive words I use, but to hear that I am normal for feeling all those things - well that felt good. Today was a rollercoaster ride of emotions, but I talked today, I said things out loud about what happened to our family, our loss, my loss. I said words out loud, I didn't even want to hear the words coming from my mouth, but they did. When I got home Chase and I even talked about this, and more than just a sentence or too. Afterwards, we even shared a few laughs because of the stupid tricks I decided to try to play on him, but it was all so freeing. I am healing, it’s slow, but it is happening. Yesterday I didn't know I could feel that way, that I could heal, but today I am much more hopeful, even though feeling better still seems far away!

Friday:

So today I know that this sounds crazy but I went with my best friend Amy for her 16 week ultrasound to find out if she is having a boy or a girl. She is having a party tonight to reveal the gender of the baby, so she didn't find out if it was a boy or girl - however I know what it is. As she doesn't know right now, it makes me feel so honored their family would let me know this special information about the baby even before them. I wondered if I was making the right choice going, if I could keep my composure and let her bask in the happiness of this day. Would she feel bad for me and not enjoy it? 

Well, I am so glad I went, I handled it better than I thought I would, we laughed and giggled as we saw baby play and suck HER thumb. It was precious it took me back to seeing E during that time and the joy I felt seeing my baby move around, and living inside me. It made me realize I will do this again, I can do this again, I can have that joy again. These days have been so rough, I have felt like I never could do this again for the risk of losing another baby and feeling this pain, but I feel today more hopeful, I want that joy again, its worth the risk. 

Saturday:

I wrote some deeply personal things today, things I don't want people to read. Some were kind of mean, but I wrote them in anger. I thought about typing what I wrote, but I journaled because at the moment I could not get myself out of bed, it was a bad day. Today was hard. Today I felt the pain of the last day I thought I was pregnant, when things seemed fine. If I had just done something different, would this week have never happened. Regret, guilt, consuming fear... that was today. 

Sunday: 

We went to church today, I didn't think I could do it, but we did. Chase said he was proud of me for coming with him, it was good. Pastor talked about a hopeless land and being rescued from it. That was the short of it, it was a great sermon. I felt emotions come over me like a wave. I bowed my head when he was talking about this land; it is a place no one wants to be. I related, but as I took a moment to hear the Lord He reminded me, "I am not hopeless, I am full of hope". I made it through this Fathers Day with the Father. It wasn't the day I anticipated having; I think it was hard for Chase because we limited our celebration. The short posts I am realizing are on the hardest days, some days I just can’t write. 

Monday Night, June 17th: 

"God help me, this is really just one of the hardest weeks of my life. You know, I miscarried a baby due June 20, this feels like the countdown to my sorrow. I am working on sharing this journey but I miscarried our 2nd baby a week ago. I am failing miserably on the inside. It hurts - and it just seems this pain will not end! I feel like a mess, a horrible mess. I hate this, I hate these feelings. I hate them. 

I ordered a necklace today it will have Psalm 23 on one charm, as You Lord have given those words to me on this journey. It will have a charm for Elizabeth and one for Cary and one for Eli - they are Yours, but they are mine too, they are my story, my journey, my family. I love and hate that they are in heaven, mainly love, but I miss them. I wish I knew them - I wish I knew more about Cary and I wish I had more than an ultrasound photo of Eli and more than a memory of his sweet heartbeat at 173 beats!!!! I want more, but I will have that one day, You will give that to me, I know you will. The necklace is me wearing Your story, my journey with You for all to see, I am scared of it and excited for it. I am happy to have a chance to tell Your story - but I am still scared of that fact this story is something I was not ready for and never wanted. No one will want to be me, but I pray You will speak through me none the less. Let this gift Chase allowed me to have, be a gift to You because it will speak of what You have done for me. The tears slowly subside when I remember that You have glory for me, but there is so much pain between what is now and where Your glory seems to be. I have to face so much pain to get to that glory and I just cant sift through that pain right now. I don't even know what to wish, because I know I have to face this, it is mine, it is what You have chosen to walk me through, that You would not leave me alone, thank you. That You would conquer this pain, thank you, but I know it is taking time. Thank you for letting me grieve. I love you Lord and I just don't know what else to say."