Having already shared about my journey of healing since my miscarriage, I want to share one of my recent hard, difficult, unexpected challenges. Several weeks ago two nights in a row I dreamed I felt my baby kicking me. The first night I just felt the kicking. The second night in my dream I remembered that I had gone to the hospital and I said to Chase (in my dream) "The Doctors were wrong, our baby is alive." In my dream it felt so good to feel the baby kick, it felt as real as it did when I had Elizabeth in my tummy. I woke up feeling empty and upset. Dreams are out of my control, but none-the-less gave me a challenge I wasn't prepared to face. It is funny because this isn't the first time I have had baby kicking dreams, after I had E for months off and on, I had dreams of a baby kicking me. I actually felt as though I was moving through pregnancy again in my dream world. I missed having her so close to me, I know I was that momma who struggled with the loss of being pregnant, but I think having her in my arms is WAY better. But that exact sentiment is what makes this loss hard. I missed being pregnant with E so I dreamed as if I still was (out of my control but...) this time I dream it again because I miss being pregnant, but I have no baby to hold.... So, my dear friend Amy gave birth to her miracle baby the same week our baby went to have life in Heaven and I hold her every chance I get. I hope it doesn't bother Amy, but I call HK "my baby" not in a "she is mine" way but in a "this is the baby I am going to love here and now" way. E loves to kiss her and look at her, I had both of them in my arms the other day, it felt bittersweet. I hate saying that because I dont think God desires for my life to be filled with anything less than pure sweetness. The sweetness that comes from living a life that is soaked up in Him. I have to remind myself once again that my life is full of purpose, given by God. My husbands life is full of purpose. E's life is full of purpose, and although short Cary Hopes life is full of purpose. I know this. Here is why...... Its part of God love letter to us all.
Psalm 19
1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of His hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.
3 They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.
4 Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.
5 It is like a Bridegroom coming out of His chamber,
like a champion rejoicing to run His course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is deprived of its warmth.
the skies proclaim the work of His hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.
3 They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.
4 Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.
5 It is like a Bridegroom coming out of His chamber,
like a champion rejoicing to run His course.
6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is deprived of its warmth.
7 The law of the Lord is perfect,
refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the Lord are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the Lord is pure,
enduring forever.
The decrees of the Lord are firm,
and all of them are righteous.
refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
8 The precepts of the Lord are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the Lord is pure,
enduring forever.
The decrees of the Lord are firm,
and all of them are righteous.
10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the honeycomb.
11 By them your servant is warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 But who can discern their own errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then I will be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the honeycomb.
11 By them your servant is warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 But who can discern their own errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then I will be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
14 May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
be pleasing in your sight,
Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
