I haven't blogged in a while. I have had so much to say just haven't made time to say it (or really write it). So here is why I came to the computer today.
Last night Chase and I's second child went to be with Jesus. Went to sit at His feet and worship Him forever. Our baby is in the presence of their creator and I know it is wonderful. I know that if they had the choice to return to us or stay with Him, they would stay because once you have experienced Gods closeness, well, you can never go back. Its all I could ever ask for my children, or for anyone, to know God so closely and worship Him forever. In fact, I realize that my young child knows God better today than I have ever known Him in all my years. Oh, what an amazing experience, my baby knows God deeply and intimately. I love that, I am so okay with that. Yet, I selfishly am fighting a lot of sadness, and realize the time I will have to wait to join my sweet baby in heaven. It feels like it will be a long time right now, its not. Eternity is a long time - we will be together again. We named our baby Cary Hope. We had agreed on a boy and girl name while we were at the hospital before we found out God had carried baby to His presence. Cary for a boy, Hope for a girl. It seemed fitting after that Cary Hope would be a good way to remember this baby. We carry hope for the future our child has sitting with their Savior, and hope for what our future holds until we meet Him as well. Our hope is not lost, we carry it with us wherever we go. I am so overwhelmingly happy for our baby, it is the best wish I could ever have for them - knowing God is His fullness. I know I keep saying that, but it is because it's the best I can do right now, to remember that. I am so unsure of what God is going to teach us, and do for our family through this - but I feel Him working closely in our lives. I treasure the relationship He and I share, and to know He has walked others through worse, that is humbling to me. I know He will see us through - He is our Hope. So to all of you Cary Hope with you because God is near.
Last night at the hospital I was saying Psalm 23 over and over. It was a great comfort to me. The parenthesis are what I was saying to myself as I said His words.
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want (because He gives me what I need). He makes me lay down in green pasture, He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff they comfort me. (This part was comfort for me, I took the words for what they were directly - if I was tearful my tears would subside each time I said those phrases). You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies (in this case the creator of death and those who would desire death). You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. (My cup ran over with His presence last night. I kept thinking how at the table of my enemies my cup could run over - seems like an oxymoron - it is not. His power overcomes our adversity and trouble, the trouble sitting at our very table). Surely goodness and mercy (oh, so good for me to hear) shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
Just some other information and such since my thoughts are scattered, but I have so much to say:
It was early in my pregnancy, in fact I had only known of our baby for a week, it was a good week.
One last story. I shared that we had chosen Cary as a name for our baby if he would be a boy, and God is in the amazement business. Very shortly after we had chosen the boy name, the financial services lady for the hospital came in and was talking with us. We had not received news back from the tests and ultrasounds yet. But to make a long story short, her name was Cary and she was a believer, God brought us this amazing woman with the same name we had just decided on. She was with us when the Dr came in and told us the baby was with our Savior, and she prayed over us and I sat in awe that God had brought her to us. Again, just reminding me of His goodness and the fact He brings His people together. We are not alone. Our small room, just moved with His presence.
We had also decided on Hope because that day I had seen someone post of facebook the definition of Hope and in those difficult moments I thought hard about its meaning. "A cherished desire for something to come" isn't that just beautiful. I may still use these names in honor of this babies sweet life, because they honestly have defined a part of my life - a part of me. Its cool to think a part of me is in heaven, I have never been there, but part of me is, part of Chase. I write this through tears, and have so much more that God has poured into me in just one night, it is overwhelming. But all this while I Cary Hope. Oh, so much hope!
