Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Feeling Frustrated VS. Normal

In the past few days I have been majorly frustrated. That is the truth, I love so many parts of my day. Cuddling with my daughter, nursing, playing, watching her play - but in the midst of all that I get some major irritations. These are completely inner mind games and dissatisfaction from a house that I can't seem to keep clean enough for a crawling baby (OCD perhaps), my new attempts at cooking or baking that didnt PAN out (get it, hahaha), and I have an inclination for what is next in my life. I always want the next thing, not the next best, but the next thing none the less. Things include, I want another baby, a new couch, a new rug, and to rearrange the entire house TODAY EVERYDAY. I literally spent one day last week taking down everything on the walls, patching all the holes and repainting the patch work. I am convinced I am going to put everything back up, but have yet to do so out of contemplation of what to do next. So you see my brain now - crazy right?

Chase and I talk about doing this and that around the house, when another child will become part of this family, what to do after we lose the dogs and these thoughts trickle daily through my mind while I am trying to enjoy what I already have. I just feel like I can't conquer these thoughts, what to do, what to do?

So it not just my mind racing but my physical body too! I am utterly down-in-the-dumps and feel overwhelmed by the tasks that I need to do, all the ones I want to begin, and finish. I have never been good at settling for anything, I put so much pressure on myself to be "good" and never give myself a break for what I have done but terrorize myself for my "to-do" list. I wish I would be able to honestly say" Look at what you have done" not "Ugh, there is so much left to do." It also creates a huge disconnect for me and Elizabeth. I want to be with her, but I have to sweep, do the dishes, cook, and make myself feel accomplished. And then, by the time I have checked off boxes on my mental list, I am exhausted and want a "Mommy Minute." So Mommy Minutes hurt me, they really do because then I think about how much guilt I feel at the time I spend watching TV, or surfing the internet - so much guilt, that is how much. I don't want to miss her childhood, but I am overwhelmed - my mind racing, so much to accomplish, and on top of that "DONT MISS A MOMENT OF HER CHILDHOOD" - how does any mother feel good about herself, if she is like me? I wonder...... I pray.

Everyday I seek to solve this frustrations, and I have yet to figure it out. There is balance somewhere in this mental and physical mess I feel I am in. I know there is plenty of scripture to teach me what to do, I have time to pray, so I do. And unlike other posts I am not posting so resolve I have already had, because I havent really had one yet, I will get back to you soon!

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Walking with God is not about walking with Ease!

The road God takes us on is not always easy.
Christians have a big problem of wanting God on their terms. We want Him to fit into our lives instead of realizing we fit into His will for us. I see so many people who want convenient Christianity. I am so sad, because I am so guilty of this, I am a convenient Christian sometimes. We want our perfect little "cliche" at church and in bible study. We want our friends around us, to do things on our terms instead of  His, and for our church to be comfortable for us. We dont want children screaming, big opinions disrupting our own, and people to "rock the boat" because somehow none of those things "we think" can lead us closer to God. But didn't God make himself Sovereign over all things? That including things that bother us and make us uncomfortable. The person that annoys you so much, is not in your church or bible study by accident, that child screaming is purposefully placed there for a reason you dont have to know or understand, and those people rocking the boat may very well be the EXACT people, with the EXACT "rocking" that you need to become closer to God. God is not asking us to fit Him into our lives, He is asking us to remove ourselves from our lives and replace what is gone (aka us) with Him. To walk as He walks, take His steps, and though it is soooooo uncomfortable to do so, it is EXACTLY what we are supposed to do.

Once we have removed our whole self, things should get easier right? I dont think that is right!  More hardships will come our way, ones way worse than just someone "rocking the boat." Actually, that really is the challenge on this journey with God. When we are His our expectation of is one of ease as we walk with Him, like we can pray for comfort and think it comes because "It has to." I am not trying to give God less credit, because I KNOW God has the power to instantly instill comfort to us in our time of need without our help, but what if that comfort is supposed to come from the excruciating pain we must first endure. Reasons unknowns, but maybe because if He gave us comfort to soon - we would not learn what we were supposed to. I know that sounds mean, harsh, why would God challenge us like that - doesn't He want me comforted? In fact, doesnt His words say "blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4 - but that is exactly my point! He provides comfort in the midst of what should be challenging, of what is uncomfortable for a time. However, do not feel that your challenges should defeat you - God is merciful to us, He is our Savior. He takes us from the dark, challenging, and seemingly dreadful places. He lift us up. He is our help in our challenges and we never face one moment of each one without Him. My point is, you may suffer or walk in the dark longer than you want to, but never longer than God wants you too. He made you and has purpose in all His does in your life. Remove You and accept Him, it will all be okay, actually better than okay. Hey, lets see what Gods, inspired word says...

Psalm 39: 1 - 8

I said, “I will guard my ways,
Lest I sin with my tongue;
I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle,
While the wicked are before me.”
I was mute with silence,
I held my peace even from good;
And my sorrow was stirred up.
My heart was hot within me;
While I was musing, the fire burned.
Then I spoke with my tongue:
Lord, make me to know my end,
And what is the measure of my days,
That I may know how frail I am.
Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my age is as nothing before You;
Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.Selah
Surely every man walks about like a shadow;
Surely they busy themselves in vain;
He heaps up riches,
And does not know who will gather them.
“And now, Lord, what do I wait for?
My hope is in You.
Deliver me from all my transgressions;
Do not make me the reproach of the foolish.
...............................

Psalm 40: 1 - 17

I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.
Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust,
And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered.
Sacrifice and offering You did not desire;
My ears You have opened.
Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require.
Then I said, “Behold, I come;
In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
I delight to do Your will, O my God,
And Your law is within my heart.”
I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness
In the great assembly;
Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
Lord, You Yourself know.
10 I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O Lord;
Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me.
12 For innumerable evils have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
Therefore my heart fails me.
13 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me;
Lord, make haste to help me!
14 Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
Who seek to destroy my life;
Let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor
Who wish me evil.
15 Let them be confounded because of their shame,
Who say to me, “Aha, aha!”
16 Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You;
Let such as love Your salvation say continually,
“The Lord be magnified!”
17 But I am poor and needy;
Yet the Lord thinks upon me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God.

I could go on and on because I LOVE talking and yes, I talk through my posts as if they were conversations, but that is all for tonight. Please add your thoughts and continue sharing scripture and stories of your own if you would like. The challenges we all endure need the encouragement from experiences and solutions God has given us and also the insight to see what His words says about it all. Be honest, honestly......

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Art of being Honest, with yourself!

This blog has been fun for me, it has been a mental and emotional challenge too. Most times I literally am in tears at the other end of the computer screen - the side you cant see, is drenched in tears and at times shaking all the way down to my toes. Why? You ask. It is because I literally write this blog as God and I converse on what I am actually talking about. I sit and start talking (I mean typing, but I talk and type at the same time) about whatever is on my mind. An example is my last post began after I had read a beautiful tribute from a mother who had just lost her sweet infant daughter - my mind racing, I begin to type. I sit there and as I type, I learn, God pours His word over my mind and touches my heart. I am one step closer to Him as I end my post. I have learned something and our conversation is amazingly transposed on the computer for me to remember and reference as long as my blog lasts. In truth, I love that my friends have messaged me and commented on my commentary of my life and Gods influence on these situations I have shared. Yet, I want you to know, selfishly these posts are for me. They are not that I have so much knowledge to share, but I am working out my struggles publicly for you, and God is pouring Himself on my life. He has so much to teach me, I am glad I have this place, this blog to share my journey. I believe it touches you, because though I am not you, I am someone like you. Whether you are a man, woman, single or a mother, I am mom who is just going through each day with an idea in my head, those ideas become my actions, and God is there leading me toward betterness (is that a word), He has something to teach me and He does it as I live (and type). I know He has so much in store for you too. Take care friends and keep being honest (with yourself).