Thursday, June 20, 2013

I think I need to rename this blog!

June 20th - Cary's due date. Tonight I feel strong enough to post this. It is messy, it's long, it's only part of our story, but my life is not simply for me to live it, but to share it. So here I am sharing it. Please don't feel that you have to read this at all, I am not out for your pity; but if you want to read about a changed person, well then, read it. I am still changing; follow me, because I am walking with the Son toward the Father - just trying to figure out what He wants with my life - and this change hurt A LOT. It hurt more than anything, and it still hurts, it lingers, it will for a while. But I am ready for you to know what God has done in our lives, the healing He has given us when Satan would love nothing more than to destroy us! We are not destroyed, we are being lifted up!

June 17th 2013 when I thought I had the courage to post this, I didn't.
I haven't been ready to post this blog and right now my stomach is is knots at the thought of doing so. This is my raw emotion, at one point you will see a comma at the end of the paragraph because I literally could not write anymore, I could not face what needed to be said. But today I prepared myself to wear my story. I need to wear this, this is who I have become. Not by choice, but by the sovereignty of God. I am this person.... I am this mother, I am this griever. I am walking this journey - I never thought this road would lead me here, but it has. If God intends to use my life to bring Him glory - well, "Here I am Lord, I will tell what you have made my life, I will share this even though it feels like it rips at the person I thought I was before this, I am being made new - its is an ugly journey ripping away the old. Yet, I know You are here, You are here Lord"

Our baby, well, his name is Eli. That is a cool blessing God gave us. Right after the OB told us for sure that I has miscarried, though I knew I had obviously. Well, then I immediately turned to Chase and said "I want to name him Eli (I was sure it was a boy) because it means Ascension in Hebrew and that is what this baby has done" Chase gets this crazy peaceful face, in the middle of this horrible moment and says "This morning I was laying in bed and God gave me this thought, I started thinking about the name Eli and I thought about how much I liked it when God told me that." I started crying, but peace in chaos, peace in chaos.......

Monday morning June 10. Right after my OB appointment:
This post is going to be hard for me to write. I don't write about my life, and throw it all out there for you to feel sorry for me. However, when you read this I know that you will feel for me, you cant help yourself - that is okay.
To give you a glimpse into the title, I think somehow my life is turning into something I never thought it would be. And recently this blog has been less about mothering E and more about  how I never thought I would be this person, the person who suffers from this sort of loss. When I imagined my life, this was not the way it went. It just doesn't feel like this should have become my struggle, but it has.
I lost another baby to Heaven. Maybe I should not put it that way, but I feel the loss. Having E even makes it harder sometimes because I know what I am missing out on right now.
This weekend I knew something was wrong, I listened to my body, but resided in Faith that waiting this out was the right choice. Saturday I was calm, I was okay, the baby would be okay. Sunday was harder, I realized there was something wrong with baby or me. Today, I knew he was gone. The Doctor and Ultrasound verified that baby had in fact, left to meet his Heavenly Father.
I am lost in emotion right now,

Tuesday June 11. It's over..
The night I wrote to E - it is confusing and a bit disjointed but I wrote.

Wednesday night June 12. This is the first time I can to write about how I feel, at all.
Still lost in emotion, not sure how I feel or trying to decide if I even want to feel. I feel numb and so lost. I feel bland. I know that doesn't make sense, but I feel bland. I feel like I am a just a mass of something tasteless and simple, but right now if I chose to have flavor it would be something disgusting. I know what is inside this mass of me, it is something hurting and broken, and nothing that anyone would want to eat. Is it better to be flavorless or disgusting? I am not sure yet. I don't want to face what happened to me, not because I feel so sorry for myself. I know others have it worse, walking through fires that burn hotter than mine. But, I hate this. I feel bad for not letting myself face this, I feel bad because if I let myself go there then I pity myself when others have it worse, I feel bad for not knowing HOW to deal with this.

I would rather pretend it didn't happen, I would rather ignore it and bury myself in TV. I would rather tell you about the crap my body dealt with in the aftermath and forget why my body started doing that in the first place. It is easier to think of what happened to my body then to think of WHY it happened.
That seems like a step in the right direction. That last sentence actually helped me realize why I am shying away from talking about Eli, because when he was gone, something horrible happened to me. A reminder of his passing, but scary for Chase and I. My body was messed up and it took a lot to fix it, it is better now, it is over and I can talk about that - but why it all began. I lost my baby and that I cannot face right now. I cant deal with this loss right now. When I write this next part I will cry. 2 babies in 8 months. Why me? I know God trusts me with this, but that is some of my problem, I want to handle this right and not facing it means I don't have to handle it right now. I can put it on the backburner - which is on....simmer. Its simmering, its on my mind, its hurting me inside, but I can ignore it for a while, its not roaring at a hot boil, its waiting for me to pull it forward and deal, but today it remains on simmer. I cant I am not ready.... I am still so lost.

Spiritual things I am feeling right now:
Comforted by Him: 
I am lost right now, trying to reach up because I know that is where I reach. The only way. Struggling to understand His ways, but following as closely as I can because He is the way. I am still processing this and slowly I have been writing about my experience right now, but it is slow. I have not really faced what has happened, but tonight I was writing and God brought me to my words the night I had announced our babies coming, and in light of the losing him (I really believe it was a boy) it seemed like a small step in my journey to reflect on who God is despite my circumstance, He is the same God I prayed to when things were good, He is the same. The prayer still stands.

Posted this to facebook, baby step:
I wrote this to the Lord when I felt He had fulfilled a promise to our family. He did not break a promise, He doesn't know how to do that, but He fulfilled it in a way I was not ready to accept. He is still God, He doesn't need to surrender control to me in my life, and in truth I don't want Him too. I need His ways, I need His plans, I need to trust Him as I follow Him. He is as good today as He was the day I wrote these word to Him.... when promises felt fulfilled. I know the day of fulfillment is coming, in His time.
"Lord, I am trying my best to trust You in these moments, living now and not for what is in store tomorrow. Basking in the glory You have set before me today, it is enough. It is time to enjoy Your plans now. I rush and rush, but You don't need my rushing Your time. You plan to fulfill your purpose in my life, You know the future and it is not in need of my worry or exhausting myself to reach it sooner. I will be there, knowing it is the right time when I reach it! Today, help me not waste anymore of my time, I wasted a lot in worry, my focus was on everything but what mattered, forgive me for that and help me move past the regret. Work in me Lord. Help me! I need You! Not knowing what else to say, I thank You for this day. It will be a great one because it is Yours! I love you Lord."

Walking through fire.... Let me be beyond refined. 1 Peter 1:3 - 9 
I think when people see this they think of the bad being burned away and becoming more holy or nearing some sort of perfection. Not me, when I wrote this Monday I was realizing that who I was had burned, in a painful way my story is being refined, it
has changed. Therefore I am becoming refined, I am closer to who God has known I
should become (like Jesus) because I walked through a burning fire that took something from me. I walked through a nasty fire, but God walks with me, He is taking me through it. It cannot consume me, I will survive this and when I am out, when I am healed from the burns, I am beyond refined. I have become a mother of 3 who holds 1 in her arms, this is His story, my journey. Through fire to become refined into being who He wants me to be, like His Son Jesus. I hate accepting this, but I am. 
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

Thursday: 
Mud, I feel mud. All around me. I feel like I am in mud now and I am reaching one hand up out of the mud. The hand is reaching for His truth, why He choose this to be my story, His truth in my life. That is all. Not sure how I am breathing under all this mud, but He is sustaining me I guess (Well, I know He is).

Thursday night:
So today I think I will much write much more in facts and not imagery, but I cant make any promises. I went to talk with a Pro today, it helped. It brought up a lot of my feelings, feelings I didn't want to feel. I went in thinking I needed to do one thing - to process; just to get there and realize I was processing this, I was just doing it slowly. I want to process it and move forward, heal and deal, but this time that just isn't happening and you know what talking with a pro helped me realize - THAT IS NORMAL. I haven't felt normal or okay, but today I found out it is okay to to deal with this slowly, its okay to not rush the process of dealing with this. Did I mention that to the Pro I sounded NORMAL? Normal, a descriptive word I would not have been using to describe myself right now. Confused, frustrated, angry, sad, made, LOST, guilty.... those were the descriptive words I use, but to hear that I am normal for feeling all those things - well that felt good. Today was a rollercoaster ride of emotions, but I talked today, I said things out loud about what happened to our family, our loss, my loss. I said words out loud, I didn't even want to hear the words coming from my mouth, but they did. When I got home Chase and I even talked about this, and more than just a sentence or too. Afterwards, we even shared a few laughs because of the stupid tricks I decided to try to play on him, but it was all so freeing. I am healing, it’s slow, but it is happening. Yesterday I didn't know I could feel that way, that I could heal, but today I am much more hopeful, even though feeling better still seems far away!

Friday:
So today I know that this sounds crazy but I went with my best friend Amy for her 16 week ultrasound to find out if she is having a boy or a girl. She is having a party tonight to reveal the gender of the baby, so she didn't find out if it was a boy or girl - however I know what it is. As she doesn't know right now, it makes me feel so honored their family would let me know this special information about the baby even before them. I wondered if I was making the right choice going, if I could keep my composure and let her bask in the happiness of this day. Would she feel bad for me and not enjoy it? 
Well, I am so glad I went, I handled it better than I thought I would, we laughed and giggled as we saw baby play and suck HER thumb. It was precious it took me back to seeing E during that time and the joy I felt seeing my baby move around, and living inside me. It made me realize I will do this again, I can do this again, I can have that joy again. These days have been so rough, I have felt like I never could do this again for the risk of losing another baby and feeling this pain, but I feel today more hopeful, I want that joy again, its worth the risk. 

Saturday:
I wrote some deeply personal things today, things I don't want people to read. Some were kind of mean, but I wrote them in anger. I thought about typing what I wrote, but I journaled because at the moment I could not get myself out of bed, it was a bad day. Today was hard. Today I felt the pain of the last day I thought I was pregnant, when things seemed fine. If I had just done something different, would this week have never happened. Regret, guilt, consuming fear... that was today. 

Sunday: 
We went to church today, I didn't think I could do it, but we did. Chase said he was proud of me for coming with him, it was good. Pastor talked about a hopeless land and being rescued from it. That was the short of it, it was a great sermon. I felt emotions come over me like a wave. I bowed my head when he was talking about this land; it is a place no one wants to be. I related, but as I took a moment to hear the Lord He reminded me, "I am not hopeless, I am full of hope". I made it through this Fathers Day with the Father. It wasn't the day I anticipated having; I think it was hard for Chase because we limited our celebration. The short posts I am realizing are on the hardest days, some days I just can’t write. 

Monday Night, June 17th: 
"God help me, this is really just one of the hardest weeks of my life. You know, I miscarried a baby due June 20, this feels like the countdown to my sorrow. I am working on sharing this journey but I miscarried our 2nd baby a week ago. I am failing miserably on the inside. It hurts - and it just seems this pain will not end! I feel like a mess, a horrible mess. I hate this, I hate these feelings. I hate them. 
I ordered a necklace today it will have Psalm 23 on one charm, as You Lord have given those words to me on this journey. It will have a charm for Elizabeth and one for Cary and one for Eli - they are Yours, but they are mine too, they are my story, my journey, my family. I love and hate that they are in heaven, mainly love, but I miss them. I wish I knew them - I wish I knew more about Cary and I wish I had more than an ultrasound photo of Eli and more than a memory of his sweet heartbeat at 173 beats!!!! I want more, but I will have that one day, You will give that to me, I know you will. The necklace is me wearing Your story, my journey with You for all to see, I am scared of it and excited for it. I am happy to have a chance to tell Your story - but I am still scared of that fact this story is something I was not ready for and never wanted. No one will want to be me, but I pray You will speak through me none the less. Let this gift Chase allowed me to have, be a gift to You because it will speak of what You have done for me. The tears slowly subside when I remember that You have glory for me, but there is so much pain between what is now and where Your glory seems to be. I have to face so much pain to get to that glory and I just cant sift through that pain right now. I don't even know what to wish, because I know I have to face this, it is mine, it is what You have chosen to walk me through, that You would not leave me alone, thank you. That You would conquer this pain, thank you, but I know it is taking time. Thank you for letting me grieve. I love you Lord and I just don't know what else to say." 


7 comments:

  1. Becca, thank you for sharing. I know Sarah and I are praying for you. We are so sorry. One thing I learned from the plane crash, and it looks like you're doing rather well...blessing the season of mourning. Continue to walk with God, he will lead you. Don't feel pressure from anyone to "arrive" or figure it out-even if someone has experienced the exact same loss, your journey is unique. People try to be supportive and helpful, at times it hurts, & is not helpful. Sending love and many healing prayers.

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  2. thank you, receiving those love and prayers and grateful!

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  3. Oh Becca, I'm so sorry for your loss. If you ever need to vent, please feel free to think of me. Lots of prayers your way! xx

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  4. We can only offer up our prayers for you and Chase (and E!); nothing I can say would possibly make any sense. All I could think of while reading your brave words was this...

    In 1 Kings 18, Elijah has what had to be one of the greatest experiences that God ever gave a man: he defeated the prophets of Baal. He called down fire from God and showed all the assembled who was God.

    Yet, in 1 Kings 19, right after the victory God gave him, Elijah is running for his life because of the threats of Jezebel. Into the wilderness he fled, and, collapsing under a Juniper tree, he asked God to take his life.

    What leads a man - a stone-cold, A-1, bonafide Prophet of God - to just pack it in? God had used him in a mighty, mighty way and all it took was an old queen to send Elijah tumbling down the mountain.

    But God wasn't through with Elijah yet. Fed and rested, an Angel of the Lord sent the Prophet of God to Horeb, the Mountain of God. There He revealed His will to Elijah. And even though Elijah was the last prophet standing (v10, v14), God had a plan for him.

    We don't know God's will for your family. But if you stand and listen - like Elijah did from the mouth of the cave on Horeb - you will feel the wind; you will hear His voice. I know this because you and Chase are children of God. And God loves His children.

    We will pray that you will feel the Wind and hear the Voice.

    We love you guys.

    X

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  5. Becca, this is raw and beautiful. I am so deeply sorry for your losses. I can't really offer much in the way of comforting words, because my experience is limited. Each of our pains is our own, though, and only God and time will tell you what you are ready for. I can only relate to your loss to a certain point, and I admire your courage for expressing your healing and hurting; especially so soon after something so tragic. Feel free to msg me whenever you feel up to it :) many a prayer and hugs your way

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  6. Oh, Becca, you are in my prayers. Our creator is faithful,and He has not forgotten you! Even in the little ways, He is there...

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  7. my favorite song has become Matthew West and Strong Enough because of all of these situations we go through thinking that "now this one has to be it" and another comes ... I love you and keep looking up! Prayers!

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