Saturday, July 27, 2013

Tangled............

Yes, I am referring to the movie. It has been an interesting few weeks to say the least. I feel a mess and Tangled seems like much more than a movie title in our home, it has been daily life both internally and externally.
Mothering  E is always an adventure, I seriously feel like it is. I never know what is going to happen daily, between her and I the spontaneousness of our lives is just living one big adventure. We wake up some mornings and just decide that today would be a great zoo day or it would be fun to have a last minute run to the park! I love living this way, its fun, its crazy, it keeps me busy and I need to be busy. Plus being gone means my house also gets to be interesting - like the pile of clothes on the dining table (it's customized and constantly changeable art in my opinion). But in the past 2 weeks the spontaneous nature of our home has been shifted as we spent 2 days at the Dr's office and one afternoon at the hospital. E had a fractured skull and then the next week she got sick - we stayed in - boring.... But now she is obsessed with "Tangled." It has been played everyday for 7 days - I could totally perform it for all of you, and if you ask I might just say YES! I loved Tangled, I am sick of Tangled, I have a feeling I will be watching Tangled tomorrow. I tried to talk her out of it today, but it wasn't happening.
So what type of parent lets their kid talk them into watching a movie everyday, even when they dont want to - the sacrificial kind. I am tooting my own horn, but my ears and mind have been overtaken by a fairy tale - that is sacrifice. The little bit of brain power I have is being consumed by songs, and horseys, and lots of hair.... But I will do it, I will watch it and sing every song with her, dance and watch my 1 year old practically quote it because she has been bound to our home, and so have I. Thankfully yesterday her fever broke, we are on the up-swing. Because of this we randomly decided last night at dinner to pack up and head to the beach after and watch the sunset - it was perfect, spontaneous and a great view! Then tonight, we hopped in the car after church and went to Ritas (E and I were both screaming for ice cream, it was fun).
We are living our days, what we have I am choosing to enjoy. I had a few break downs these past weeks - I barely slept after E hurt her head because of the fear of anything bad happening to her. Then she got sick, and once again I was consumed by fear, those were rough days for me. Circumstance, happenstance, whatever - I have had to face some sadness lately. However, no matter how much sadness could flood my mind at our families loss, at any given moment, I just have to let myself be consumed in living, all while missing them.
I don't know how to write this without being whiny, but I am going for it anyway. Every time I think of what I should be right now, whom I should be holding (both that Cary would be a month old or that I would be 17 weeks pregnant with Eli - although I could not have had both) I still cry - I cry. It happens almost everyday. When I think of living and enjoying E and being her mommy, I smile - I always smile. Emotions tangled together...... Tangled.............................

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Waiting on Something Profound!

Just thinking of Job (from the bible), in the midst of his suffering. He needed to accept the horrible outcome of his life, and what God had actively allowed to be done to him.
What he needed was something profound.

Profound words, advice, truth!

When you are going through trials people tell you a lot of their thoughts on your circumstances and your situation. They honestly do their best to tell you, the sufferer, the very best and most profound thought they have. And truly the most profound thoughts, that people tell you, are some of the most healing and humbling. Humbleness is a big part of healing, realizing that you are not above your suffering, that it and the result of it are a part of you.

Profoundness that has helped me:
"The Moon is Round" - I didn't come up with this, but it moved me. The moon is always round, I know this and so do you. The the moon doesn't always look round - and even when it doesn't I still know IT IS! Thinking of God in trials, sometimes we can only see a sliver and that sliver is the pain. Our wish is that we would understand and see more, but for now we cant - but here it is - WE KNOW IT IS THERE The answers, reasons and glory that God will receive from all of this suffering - it is there even when we can't see it yet. The story and the coming glory of this story are there with Him - He is all in whether or not I can see it.
"Having vs. Parenting" - I have always felt called to have a big family, and often I had looked at these losses as "set-backs" as if I was saying "Well at this rate I am never going to have all the children God wants me to have." I give myself way to much credit obviously! My counselor posed this question to me the other day and it struck me - hard - more like a blow to the heart. He didn't mean it harshly and was gentle when he asked but he said "Rebecca I believe you when you say God told you that you would have lots of kids, but how many did He promise you that you would get to parent?"

You know who is Profound - God - He is full of wisdom, He is full of creativity and all of this beyond my complete comprehension. So back to Job, he needed something profound, he needed something humbling because well, his life sucked for a while, it did. His wife and friends could not offer the words, the thoughts that were anywhere close to what he needed in his suffering because it was so great. But there is this moment, well, WAY more than a single moment, in Job 38 when God begins to speak and Job listens. He is about to hear something humbling, something healing, something PROFOUND!
Job 38 (Click link for entire chapter and more...)
Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt? Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment. The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken. “Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this."

What we need when we suffer is God and His infinite, profound wisdom. Wisdom beyond my own, wisdom beyond yours. We need His word - it humbles us because He is a great God. A God who is with us, and has wisdom that He continually gives to us, a God who can heal us!

Honestly I don't have all the answers, I am learning, I am slowly learning....... I am healing....... slowly healing..... I am being humbled...... slowly being humbled. 

So here is my challenge: His wisdom is so much that I cannot learn enough of Him in just my own experience(s). I need His words and truth to know Him and to continue living in His healing power. I need to know what He has done for you - because God has healed you and when He did, He gave you something - something that needs to be shared. I am sure there were profound, ah-ha moments and I need to hear them. 
So below or on my facebook, take your time and take as much space as you need. Tell me and other readers your story - share the journey that God walked you through, share His truth because what we all are in need of is
Something Profound! 

Sunday, July 7, 2013

The days you would give (almost) anything to go back....

A Hopeful Post in the Midst of Truths I don't want to accept!
Time, a precious gift. There have been a million, literally a million, songs, poems, blogs, quotes, speeches on the fact that time just keeps passing us by. But we still wish we could go back, enjoy that amazing day with your family again, have the time to create another memory that never happened because of circumstance,  go on to have one more conversation with your Grandpa just to ask him one more question, or sit and look at old photos with the 1 person you know who is in them - so you could hear the story of that day from their lips one more time. One hug, one moment, one photo, one more moment of mutually expressed love... Oh, dear time, you pass us by.
I am not sure why this is consuming my thoughts tonight, but I assure you I saw pictures on facebook tonight of people who would have loved a little more time with someone they loved. I don't know every story, but you have known mine. I would have loved another day (or really infinite days) with my little babies, but I have to focus on the days I get with Chase and E, making the most of what I actually get and accepting the time I will never have until Heaven. I question what time I would want to gain or get back, what would change in my story if I had it to do over, do you wonder that often too? There are some moments I would love to relive for the joy that was, and time I wish I had been given for the joy that could have been.
Oh Lord, what will you say about our fleeting time:

Ecclesiastes 3: 1 - 15
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account."

A wise teacher, known to be wise by Gods own wisdom, as a gift, wrote this. I cant help but assume that he understood things would happen and we would love to have a chance to go back, but unfortunately it would never exist for him or us. What to do? We accept our time as it is. We accept the Sovereignty of God. However, I love the conclusion he comes to in Ecc. 9: 1
"So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God’s hands, but no one knows whether love or hate awaits them."

No do-overs, no over-time. We have no idea what our lives will turn out like - if we could go back, what would change? If we had been given more time or just taken what was there, what would change? We think we know the answer, somehow our lives would turn out better. But if God gave us what we have, and He was wise enough to let this wisdom (above) be known to us, then I choose to follow His wisdom. Reminiscencing on my past, not for the pain, but for the "satisfaction in the toil." Those moments that will make me more like the person He has always intended me to become, His son Jesus. Knowing who I was and who I am becoming because of the time I can't have or take back from my past. I would love going back, but I will love going forward more, one day...one day I will love THIS more!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Fits and Healing

This post is about E and I. The fits are hers, the healing is mine.
Today started out, well, EARLY. I asked E lay in bed a little longer and just rest (night, night). And even though it was morning, and the sun was just starting to brighten the room, she complied for about 20 minutes (THANK YOU E). In her mind I definitely think she was wondering why she had to lay down when the sun was coming up - because she is a genius child who can put 2 and 2 together (kinda). So this start, I thought that meant a GREAT day to come, that thought lied to me - BIG TIME, or so it seemed in the events to follow.
When she and I finally got up from "resting" a little more, she and I did the morning thing, which I drag myself through. After a diaper change I put on Barney and put her breakfast on her little table with some juice and a puzzle. Momma had a big day planned, I was going to a fancy mall and I wanted to wear some make-up (readers gasp and ask themselves "When is that last time I saw Becca in make-up?"). Thinking this set up would allow me that, I walk the literal 20 steps to the bathroom and thus began the fits. E comes in, guns blazing, wanting to get into everything in the bathroom or get me to come watch Barney with her.
Well since neither of those were good options for attempting to wear make-up, I resolved to continue in the bathroom. She lost it, if I ended her havoc on my cabinets or told her to go to the living room alone, she thrust herself on the floor. Now I know that E is truly the sweetest child, I adore her, I love her with an unswayed, unconditional love, but she was going bonkers. I tried to reason with her, and eventually I was done with my 10 minute task and I came out of the bathroom (looking amazing thank you very much), got her dressed and myself. We moved on, but it set in motion what would continue for a few hours following.
She was indecisive today. Yes, my 1 year old was indecisive today? Strange right? She just could not decide if she was happy or sad, mad or giddy, Barney or Fresh Beat Band........ It was frustrating, but it relates perfectly to how I feel right now - indecisive, happy or sad momma. And E is becoming so much like me. Her mood, her love, her cuddles; they all remind me of how I am. She sees me, she imitates me, she is becoming like me. So who am I and who am I becoming? Who does God want me to become?
Two conversations today molded me a bit more - the realization of who I am and who I need to be for her sake. I need to become more like Jesus, both for her sake and mine.
When God told me to name her Elizabeth - I heard Him loud and clear. I knew it was her name, it means "Consecrated to God" and she is fully that, I recognize that she is fully His. I hope as she grows and understands Him and that she chooses Him back. Her middle name is Asa, which means "Healer."
I believe names are important, they are a reflection of who we are. I especially feel that God knows what our names are; He knows you by name and He knows what that name will mean for His kingdom. However, I always thought of E's name as a benefit to others - that God would use her to heal scars of past loss for our family because she is named after my late Grandmother Elizabeth, I thought God would use her to preach His healing of sins consequence and be His mouthpiece of that healing - I never though her name would mean her...healing me. God knows her name and what her name means. God knew she would play a pivotal role in the healing of her own mother from these loses we have experienced, unforeseen to us when she first came along. She plays a major role in getting through this, I have to care for her, I have to love her,  I have to get-up and drag myself through mornings and mourning. Those "have-to's" are a big part of me surviving this. And she is there, there to receive my care and love, and return it with kisses, hugs and cuddles. I feel blessed, even with the loses. I have a gift, more than a daughter, but a Healer who gave me a little healer to hold, and ultimately healed 2 little babies whom I wont. So today started with fits but oh, it got sooooo good. Today she made me laugh, a real laugh. Sometimes we totally fake laugh to make our children laugh (and yes a fake laugh can hold real joy for you and them) but today she made me laugh so hard. I am healing and and that was today..........................