Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Graceful Parenting

Last year I read a post by the wonderful Anna at http://annapianoruth.blogspot.com/. She is my cousins wife, and I have loved following her parenting journey. This specific post on graceful parenting was one of my favorites and often I think on her words about her childs behavior, his fear of consequence and this time, she choose to just hold him despite it all - giving him some grace. My little E is getting there, fearing consequences for mis-behaviors, and me trying to balance discipline and mercy. I find myself gaining patience and loving the interior, heart change that comes with this extended patience. Something I love and yet struggle though is that I always see the good in people, in E it is easy for me to see, she my daughter, my bronze love (God being gold and Chase coming in silver - obsessed with the Olympics, I think YES - hate it has been over.). Who she is becoming I love because I see the goodness of God all over her, but where is the line drawn between teaching her respect for what is right, integrity to choose righteousness over disobedience and sin and then, teaching her what mercy, grace, and sacrificial love looks like. The love that says "I don't care what you have done or will do, I just love you, no matter what is costs me." I ponder this daily, I think for the most part I get it right. I overdo the discipline here, give to much grace there - it all equals out, at least I hope it does. Just kidding, I am really trying here! Parenting sure isn't getting easier, but it is changing, she is changing and like I said, so am I; and I like it!

"Thank you God for the gift of parenting E. She is a treasure, I won't hide her away or keep her for myself - Lord, I choose to lead her to You. Let Your love grow in her heart - so she will choose Your truth and Your ways. Lord, when I think about her purpose, more than I can imagine or know; I realize that surrendering her to You means that when the cross-road of discipline or grace come, I must turn toward Your wisdom for guidance. So that my actions reflect Your heart, that my words are Your words. Help me live my life before her with integrity, the kind that chooses to do things Your way by obeying Your word and submitting my life before Your standards. Lord, also let me see Your people with Your love for them first, help me give grace and mercy to those You love so that E will one day do the same, even if that day is not as far off as I think it is right now. She is growing faster than I planned Lord and I just don't know how much longer she will be my baby, but You are ready for the person she is becoming, I need to follow closely, so soon she will too."

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

How becoming a mother was very becoming for me.

I fit into motherhood well, I am far from a perfect parent. I struggle through lazy days, housekeeping, and just figuring out anything for us to do - but becoming a parent fit me. I remember E when she first came into my arms - it made sense, it felt so good. When I look at pictures of her babyness I honestly do just feel my spirit filled with flutters of love and affection for the small, innocent child, it is good for my soul to remember that baby as we enter the "terrible twos." I don't feel that these days are actually terrible, but they are rougher than before, she is a little fighter - just like me. Anyway, when I think of her as a baby I remember the hard parts and question my desire to "go back," I mean I want another baby - but it is so much work, worthwhile work, but work. Then I look at those pictures, and how well God placed her in our family and just that overwhelming love we were given for her. I loved her helplessness and dependence on us, but her with another baby, can I handle that work? I already said I struggle through housework and suffer from fighting my laziness, I am not sure I can handle it! But motherhood is so becoming on me, I feel made for it, I know I am. So when I question if it will work the answer is yes. I am just not sure how or when so... "Lord lead!'

Check out my next post, I wrote it back in Sept - thinking on the coming Christmas - so many unanswered questions then about having more children, and raising E.... blessings......

Christmas Letters...An intended post for Christmas, but something I have wanted to share.....

Written Sept 8, 2013

Tonight I was reading Misty's blog (carryinganna.wordpress.com) and she had uploaded her Christmas letter in Dec and in March, well, I cant even believe that Annas birthday has already come and gone. I hold her in such high esteem because of all she has endured, and how she endured it. Then I also read about Sophie, born Sept. 1 to Lindsay and Kevin, and their inspiring faith. Faith I know I have, not even having walked through what they have. Their feet must hurt, those steps, they just seem unbearable. Okay, all the tears flowing, my eyes are swollen. But Christmas letters came to mind and I went and re-read ours from last year. I started wording ours for this year - the fact our baby Eli was due to be a Christmas baby, and our June baby Cary was mentioned - losing Eli the same week Cary was due, it was so rough. How will I share this again, how will I write this year. I think it will be something like:
So this is Christmas, what have you done, another year over and a new one just begun. I thought this Christmas I would be packed up to go to the hospital, praying off delivering on Dec 25th, hoping this time the baby would wait for his due date, Dec. 27th. If not, I told Chase we would celebrate at the hospital with Elizabeth, and I wanted a tree in the room (not sure if I told him that but I thought about it often). I had told the Dr's that I was sorry in advance if they were working Christmas on account of me, they laughed and said it would be fine, they would not be mad - it happens. I loved the promise of a Christmas baby, like he was more like Jesus, because to me (though I know it was not Jesus ACTUAL birthday) they shared a day of celebration (see how I worded that... go me). I thought I would have him before the due date and in my mind I did see that hospital Christmas - I was so happy about it. Those dreams are gone, my reality is an at home celebration, but we might just have to vacay because I think this year it going to be hard, really hard. The joy of Jesus upon us, I will smile and celebrate Him, I will even celebrate what He has done for us, but I will be sad. This Christmas wont be what I thought it should be, and that wont change. Thankfully this Christmas will be a greater reminder of what it meant to have Jesus come to earth at all. The salvation that could only come from His choice to leave heaven and meet us here, on earth. My children have already benefited from that gift - I wait for the inheritance part along with Chase and E and right now, I dont mind waiting. One more year, one more baby.
How do you write a letter like this, its a good thing I have time.

Other thoughts, E turns 2 in 11 days - WHAT!!!! Where did 2 years plus pregnancy go? I am not sure, I love her so much! I pray for her, the life God has given her to last and be fulfilling for her (selfishly for me as well). We pray off Satan for our children so often, and in Gods name I know he cannot have power here. God protect Elizabeth - thank You for Your mercies Lord, Father, Jesus. Anyways, I just cant believe she will be two!!!

Thoughts:
It is hard seeing pregnant ladies, really hard. I dont like it - I am still happy for them, but when you think of how you should look and you dont - its hard.
I dont know how I can ever get pregnant again - because I fear it, fear the loss that could be, that God could potentially desire that I lose another child. Knowing that His will could be that I have another child I could not keep (like Anna and Sophie) because "I know You trust me God, You have already given me so much to share, and I trust you with my life and my children's lives, but I am not ready right now. I feel like what You want for me and to hone in me to may require more loss; what this is and it may not be what I think, the outcome is Yours alone. You may want me to step out in faith despite the outcome (and I know this is true) but I am not ready, it's to much right now. Please grant me patience or in Your power and holiness lead me toward what is best. My Lord intervene in an unexpected way."

Friday, December 13, 2013

NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO I have great news - I got some testing done to see why I keep miscarrying and the results came back as a blood clotting disorder. It is something treatable and there are lots of women who have healthy babies once diagnosed and treated during pregnancy (simply with a daily baby aspirin or herperin shots - great right!!!!). Chase and I can have more children! Best way to end the year - Thank you God for this answer! I still have lots of questions before I plunge back into trying for another child, but I am glad that God is allowing these answers to come our way. I am grateful I live in a place where I have access to these tests and can have proper medicines. Beyond grateful! All that being said, I have to share this: I was really sad when I first found out, the idea this is treatable and I could have held my babies if I had just known, or even that just one of them could have lived, I was sad. God and I had a long talk, and He reminded me today that a pill is not the reason I should have such peace about having another child, in fact a pill does not at all remove His sovereignty from my life. I cant have more children because I can take a pill, but because God will heal my body of this disorder, whether by treatment or miracle (I mean, I do have one amazing, miracle daughter). He is Creator, Sustainer, Giver of all good things, the children I lost they were good things, He created their lives and did sustain them for a time. A pill wasn't going to change His plans for my life and theirs. I have said to Him "Lord, You know You could have told me (when I was pregnant) to take a baby asprin, and I would have obeyed. You know I would have. I would have blindly obeyed You." In my heart I know this is true, but He didn't tell me; and I am never without Him. He didn't miss some memo to intervene on my babies behalf. I dont fully know why He choose this or allowed this but I know He IS with me each moment, He sees me, He is intentional, and He is purposeful beyond what I can comprehend or understand. Those are hard truths to digest in my soul. These truth weigh heavy on my heart - but they are fully His truths. God gave me two children I wont ever know - and He will allow me more because of the timing of His answers and His healing in my life. I know it's a lot to just throw out there, but it's His truth in my life, and Yours. He is never far from us.........



Now Momma can get to "cookin" too. Is that inappropriate to write here.....

And just in time, one out of diapers (almost).

Practicing holding a baby perhaps.... Lets hope not, poor Mickey is getting plenty of love, but maybe not oxygen... (good thing he doesn't need it, right)

Let the fun begin!!!! 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

It was for me!

So I have been meaning to just sit down and write this, it started Sunday, well days before as I realized this week was happening. The week that one year ago changed my life - Sunday was October 20, I almost got through the whole day without thinking about it. However that day, well I won't be forgetting it anytime soon. I wrote to E that night and it felt good to examine the year we have had, re-read things I had written, weirdly having an anniversary and realizing the exact amount of days that have passed feels like an accomplishment - I don't know why really, it just does. Most interestingly was being in church that morning, the same place as morning after we lost Cary - I craved church that morning a year ago, thinking "If my baby is worshiping Jesus right now, I should be too." I cried almost the entire service that morning. I would say to that point it was the roughest day of my life, but I was in the perfect place to have such a rough day. That morning was for me. So Sunday, this past Sunday, we got to church and yall would not believe the sermon theme "Moving forward from a broken past" I just could not believe it, how broken this year has felt to me - and moving forward is definitely not the same as moving on, right? Perfect words for me. So in true Becca fashion, I begin taking crazy amounts of notes and then just stop and write "It was for me." This sermon was mine, I don't mean to selfishly take something that touched others, but God could have taught many of the others in that room this lesson next week, but He didn't, He taught it on October 20 - my date, my suffering date.
This circumstance and all the life that happened before and to now, this date, it was for me. All this faith that has built day after day and year after year, simply to prepare me to live this life for Him, it was for me. I praise Him for all of this, the life, preparation of faith and this suffering, its mine, it was meant for me. I am not serving a passive God who somehow missed stopping this pain in my life, He was there - I knew He was, I know He is - and this pain is for me. When I ask "Was this for me Lord?" I know His answer is yes! And day by day it is easier to accept....
"Rebecca, I have searched you and I know you. I know when you sit and when you rise. I perceive all your thoughts from afar. I discern your going out and your lying down; and am familiar with all your ways. Before a word is on your tongue I know it completely. I have hemed you in behind and I lay my hand upon you. Such knowledge is to wonderful for you, to lofty for you to attain. Where could you go from My Spirit? Where could you flee from My presence? If you go to the heavens, I am there. If you made your bed in the depths, I am there. If you rose of the wings of the dawn, or settled on the far side of the sea, even there My hand will guide you, My right hand will hold you up. If you say "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to Me; the night will shine like the day for the darkness is light to Me. For I created you, your inmost being; I knit you together in your mothers womb. Praise Me, the Lord your God, because I made you fearfully (with reverence) and wonderfully; and you know My works are wonderful. You were not hidden from me, when I made you in the secret place, when I wove your together in the depths of the earth. I saw your unformed body; all the days I planned for you were written in My book before one of them came to be. How precious are my thoughts toward you, Rebecca! How vast is the sum of them! Were you to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand - when you are awake, I am still with you.... " A very personalized Psalm 139

"Lord, thank You for knowing me, creating me, and giving me Your truth. I feel honored to know it, I feel honored to carry it despite circumstances that are always changing and often challenging me lately. This year has been hard, I know You have been and are here, You see it. I acknowledge Your power over all of this, and yet also Your sovereignty. God thank you for making a sermon for me, thank you for knowing what I needed to hear on a very specific day You gave to me. I didn't like the thought of October 20 at all, but I realize that day was for me. I look forward to the days coming, because I know You - and I trust You with them all. The easy ones and the hardest ones. I love you Lord"

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Moments until you are 2!

Elizabeth, this post will be brief, you turn 2 in 10 minutes. In 10 minutes you move from baby to a true toddler, though I already see you as such, now airlines and some amusement parks will also see you this way. I can't imagine telling people you are 2, you are my baby, I just can't see beyond this, now 9 minutes. I can see past the memories of the these almost 2 years (8 minutes). You amaze me, you are incredible and so intelligent, what will tomorrow bring? Will you grow an inch tomorrow, probably not, but there will be a change and it won't be a visible one, but I will feel different in 7 minutes, I just know it. So here I sit, anxious for what is about to come, you are my angel, my safe space so many days. Today you were so cuddly and I just know those years between cuddles and personal space are coming - and those years are going to pass as quickly as the past 2 have. I wait, its 6 minutes now. I feel sick. I don't want to say goodbye to these years - these baby years. The years that have taken people back, that someone so young could be so talkative, and count, and identify letter and colors and animals - will be people be as surprised when I tell them you are 2 and not 1 any longer. I have held on to 1, like I am holding to these last 4 minutes I have. Daddy is over here snoring and 2 years ago about this time, he was doing just the same, prepping for your arrival by being well rested, me not so much, I was up, like I am now. I was just waiting for what was to come, like these last 3 minutes are coming. What should I write that can't wait another moment, that I love you so much, that you are the light that sparks my heart. You have blessed me beyond expectation, you are Elizabeth! I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you..... One minute.........

Saturday, September 14, 2013

When you look at heaven!

Elizabeth, when you look at Heaven and "Hi Jesus," I am blown away. Your memory of Him is so clear, and you simply greet Him. It makes me wonder, in your innocence, if are you experiencing Him in a more honest way than even me. Do you remember Him? Is He like a person you can talk to, because I know He is, but I wonder what you know. You randomly start singing "Jesus loves me" and I think in all honestly, you get it. At some point, it feels like more than I have taught you, I may have taught you the song, the phrase, the name, but today - you looked up and said "Hi Jesus" all on your own, I wish I understood how much you are grasping from talking with Him. And maybe in my heart, I am building this into to much, but nah.... God is setting a foundation for you, I am happy to be part of it. He wants you to know His son, like He has let me know Him. Oh and you so quickly rush to speak with Him; what I love most is that nothing was holding you back. Mommy often approaches God so cautiously because I may have stumbled that day and my heart just doesn't "seem" clean enough to talk with Him. So I hesitate, because I fear the consciousness I have of my sin before Him, but I will talk to Him anyway. I will remove my own guilt and approach the One, the forgiver, the One, the lover, the One grace giver. So here I go.... "Hi Jesus, can I talk to you as innocently as my 1 year old?" and I know His reply is "Yes."

Just a little note: I taught Elizabeth all of those things about Jesus, His name, where He dwells, and who is with Him in heaven (God, Cary and Eli). She is so sweet, she looks up and for a week it has been simply "Hi Jesus" and then today she followed it with "Hi Cary, Hi Eli." Tears welled up in my eyes, I responded to her greeting "Just tell them that you love them and miss them." She then continues to look up and says "I love you, I miss you" oh, mommy and does too...... I really do.