Friday, June 5, 2015

Spectacular Endings!

Chase and I are going on our first weekend getaway, no kids, just friends, rest, and reconnect! However, J is still nursing, and since I don't know if he will want to continue when I return, I feel like it could be the end. Some of that feels okay to me, but if it is the end I want to like soak today like a sponge. Nursing isn't for everyone, but it is for me. I love the ease of not having to pack bottle, its just right there - it takes time, but for the most part I consider myself to lazy to bottle feed. This is not a feeding debate, so keep reading - its about the feelings behind the endings of things.  When E stopped nursing I had just gotten out of the hospital from my second miscarriage. I was on a lot of medication from some severe problems I had with that loss. I was depressed and I was done. I hated being done, but more than that I hated that the end of it came so rapidly, it was just over, no long goodbye; I ended it. The situation only made it worse, and now facing the end of this time with J, where he wont need me as much, because bottles are bonding for everyone; I am losing my exclusive title! (selfish, I know)
Anytime something ends we feel like it should be remarkable - we want to really make sure that we remember the goodness that has come and now gone. Graduations are a great example of that, parents cry, they want a perfect ceremony - they want to inhale and never exhale the memories of their child's  prior youth, but celebrate the accomplishments too! And I mean we have tons of graduations, K4, Kindergarten, 5th grade, 8th grade, High School, College, Masters... I mean it is an event that we will have A LOT! Its the future....
I keep focusing on the future, and even in the short term it seems unknown. E is gaining smarts, vocabulary, and changing. I feel like I can't catch her, like she is beyond where I see her constantly. Before I really get to enjoy one new thing about her, she begins another and her life is growing, world expanding. I want a spectacular life with her. I want to celebrate who she is and who she becomes. J may be having his first of many lasts with me today, I am not ready. Teary mommy over here would love to press pause, not go on this trip, but there is this other man in my life who is growing too. Sometimes in the midst of busyness with little ones, I forget my husband is growing and changing too - and I forget to learn him and celebrate his moments. Its easy with kids they turn one year old and you buy CAKE and let them smash it, they use the potty for the first time you FREAK OUT and throw confetti. Adults, we tend to forsake in that category!
There is so much expectation about celebrating these ending, even if it not an event, our internal mind and heart want these endings to feel BIG. The bigger they feel, the more important and potent they will remain in our memories! My fear today is that I wont be able to make the most of this day, my last potential time nursing J, his first of many lasts he will have as he grows and doesn't rely on me as much. That somehow in my mind I will forget today. I feel like it should impact me so deeply, but it is scary to think today will end and I could somehow miss having a good enough memory of today to satisfy my expectation of today's ending! I have nothing more than that to say, I just wrote this because if I can collect my thoughts for today, maybe in the future I will have this day be remember as something special.
SO I will go on this trip and celebrate something else, that isn't even close to ending, my marriage! I will cherish how it is growing too, and make this a spectacular beginning (weekends away will be a thing for us now, YAY), as another chapter of motherhood, potentially, comes to an end ... Oh, and I might have a crawler when I get back too!

-Rebecca
First Day of K3

Last Day of K3

Getting in my cuddles while I can!

Friday, May 1, 2015

Her little eyes are resting!

E sleeping has become one of my favorite times to watch her; mainly because I am exhausted the rest of the day from trying to "watch" her. Lately, the trend of putting her to bed means she is near me, laying in her bed or mine - we talk and she slowly drifts to sleep! The other night I was putting her to bed, she sweetly says "Mommy, I love you" I remind her I love her - she gently closes her eyes and in that moment, as weird as this sounds I saw her 25 year old self. Somehow she looked so grown to me, tears filled my eye, even writing this now I have tears. All of the sudden I wanted to cling to that moment, she is 3, she will be 3 forever, 25 wont come, but it will. I felt it. I wanted time to literally stop. My darling is growing, she is changing, she is little, but not for long enough to satisfy my heart, at least not in that moment. Night after night I look at her, since that moment passed... Some nights she looks like a little girl, clinging to her momma for the attention she needs, as being a big sissy means giving up some of "our" time. Some nights, she is independent and lays in her bed alone, waving bye to me, as if me walking 10 feet requires a good-bye. Some nights, like now, she is laying on my legs as I type - she fell asleep in my presence, just for nearness sake and because she didn't want to be alone in her room. Her little eyes are resting now - and I am watching her. Not in "I'll be watching you" by The Police way, but in a "I am your momma, I love you, I cherish you, I treasure you little, I anticipate you growing, I am holding onto you, I am here, My daughter, My darling, Stay close." and she does, for now!

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

MotherDaughter

Fact 1: When my armpits stink, they smell exactly like my mothers. Interesting right? More interesting is why I know the smell of my mom armpits, but in fact, tonight I smelled "her" when in fact I was the one stinking.... So this is life of Mothers and Daughters, you absolutely best and worst rolled into one another. Tonight as we were making our way home from E's game, baby is screaming because he hates the car and wants to nurse, E is screaming because well, because she is 3 and that seems to be her norm lately.. Best way to not freak out in a moment like that.. Listen to worship music and say nothing! I win this one, it didn't feel like a win, but I won. I kept my cool, more on that later!

Lately, life has been absolutely, positively, completely... indescribable, and not because it is so good. It's because I cant even begin to explain what is going on. Today my chest was heavy all morning, tears as I was driving around, running errands, seeking the solace of my moms company for lunch. The idea that at any moment, I am going to break, helpless to make a positive change because I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I am a confused mother, frustrated!
How do you help your daughter who is just like you, her mother? She IS just like me, should that not make life easy as pie, I mean who knows ME better than ME? (Answer: God). All her fun sassiness, her humor, her extreme energy, she is the me wish I was all the time when it comes her to positive characteristics. E is loving, compassionate, perfectly feisty, friendly, and loves others. I know that God gifted her those things, as He did to me (wow, I sound so vain right now). BUT, she is also the worst of me... I don't want to flaunt our flaws but they begin with a strong will that won't let go. Her likeness to me makes me think I should understand her more, and be more aware and able to handle her behaviors. I tell myself, how would I want someone to deal with me in this situation? What would have worked to help me do better? I come up blank... Or when I come up with some great logic, it is lost on her - because she is 3. I absolutely don't think it's an excuse - she gets plenty of consequences, but they are often ineffective or the effect is extremely short term. Today I was at the end of my ability to deal.. and then the kids are screaming in the car. Losing at this mom thing was on the horizon for me. I have felt so done, I knew I could not give up on my kids, but I was somehow accepting that I could not win! And if I could not win then our future was bleak at best. "Just give me a vacation!!!" was the cry of my head, "I need an out for now, time to regroup!" I am about to lose it - I decide to worship, and like I said I somehow won. Here is why...

Awesome timing on songs always gets me in those moments of utter chaotic insanity. Mandisa's "Overcomer" came on and I remember, vividly, driving to work singing that song in the midst of my heartache over the loss of our children in these past years. Crying tears of sadness, feeling like I would never overcome those trying times, fearing another lost baby. Yet, tonight as I am stressing out, listening to two children literally screaming, suddenly I hear "God is holding you right now" and a feeling of thankfulness swept over me. Thinking that the baby screaming is the baby I longed for while wailing that song out all that time ago, and then the reason my 3 years old is having emotional, transitional issues is because of that very little baby, I have everything I longed for. Never did I picture it like this, it is a much poetic and lovely looking picture in my mind, but none the less I got it all - I didn't give up or give in to the lies and loss then, I won - I overcame, it was really a beautiful perspective. It didn't make the car quieter, but my heart became happier to deal with the situation (aka the shreks of children)! I am not sure that I will feel like winner tomorrow much more than I did in the past days, or that I will "win" every battle with my 3 year old self (hehehe), but I will keep tonight in mind. God equipped me to be a mom, today, yesterday and He will again tomorrow.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Broken and Mended

How could this week have been so mentally challenging. I am not sure why this week all of my grief came to a head, and why my scars, figuratively, began to bleed a little. I am usually a glass-half-full girl, with rose colored glasses on, and that is who I love being. I enjoy finding "joy in the journey" - I absolutely thought I was fine: BUT,

I am extremely hormonal. So worth it, I would want these hormones all over the place, because it means I just had a baby - whom I adore!

I went back to work, which was an unexpected blessing, but going in I absolutely didn't know how I was going to feel.

I realized how much I miss my "old" life. Yet, knowing I am in the best place possible to live in obedience to the Lord and enjoy the reality I get to give my children a legacy of faith and family because we are so close to experience our families faith in our daily lives! (I just got this tidbit of truth put into me this morning at church and I needed it)

I don't know how to word this last challenge - Jackson is so valued to me, because of the time and loss we endured before he arrived. Yet, he doesn't replace what we lost - and feeling as though I suddenly can't hold onto my loss so tightly, because I have a child to celebrate, is tough. For the past two and a half years, the loss became a part of me. The broken part of me from that time in our lives, I still feel the impact of that pain. Now, I felt healing before Jackson came, but it is a scar; a scar that is tender to the touch. I felt healed in the waiting and it wasn't because I had any assurance of a child to come. In fact, many days I tried to accept that Elizabeth could be our only earthly child. Yet, when I prayed I knew God wanted obedience in my faith, and for me to know He didn't have to fulfill His promise of another child by my standards. I just knew He wanted us to have another child, whether it was a child to keep here or there. Today, we are on the other side of that obedience, we have a child and I don't feel that God has in any way "rewarded" me with a baby, but by making me obey Him, and His having our best in His sight - we have been given Jackson, for the glory of His kingdom.

Whew, okay I re-read those words like three times, I want this written right..
My prayer has changed for our family and for our children, I see them as purposed for God and His glory more than ever. I see our story, Gods plan, as purposed for His kingdom, for His glory - to stand beside the wounded (those who will have a scar like mine in time).

This week God put me face-to-face with each of my pains, I was not ready to face them, but there they were to remind me of when I was broken. To remind me what being mended feels like, how scars feel. I most definitely can't go back, but I have been broken and mended, I have scars!

There are struggles to come, and they are for other reasons then life and loss. I will break again, be mended again, and gain new scars. I pray I won't forget God faithfulness in my past, so I will live in hope during the times of trial. I will remember to walk with those who hurt and bring them to Hope!

Psalm 116 I choose for Jackson - it is two blogs below this, great reading. In addition, Chase and I are memorizing scriptures each month and I think my next will be this:
Deut. 6:5-9 (my thoughts, for reflection)
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children (show them your scars). Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads (remember what the Lord has done for you).Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates"

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2014

To say I am going to get a Christmas card or a New Years card out this year, would be a lie. I think I am learning to not stress doing everything and just realizing I should do what I can. SO here is the letter I love writing, and packing, and stamping every year but not this year - since my hands are full with a new, cherished son!
Chase and I were discussing this past year and we both said, this was just our best year. I hate to classify a best and rate years, but this one was just so good, so changing, so full of love and excitement. I cant help but say - it was a full, wonderful, and yes, our best yet!
In January we made the choice to purchase Disney Passes. At the time we lived so close to Disney, that we knew we would use them often and we did. We had several fun adventures and short, mini vacations scattered through this past year. E grew and changed so much and experiencing the imagination of a child alongside her, brought about many cherished memories. Grammie and Grampie even joined us on several of our trips, which was fun. 4 or more adults chasing around a 2 year old.... Interesting stuff!
 
 

In April, the biggest surprise came just one day after a very rough day. We had to put our beloved Pippy down because she was very sick. Surprisingly the next day we got the best, most wonderful, amazing news came when we found out we were expecting again..... I seriously remember that moment as if I were a by-stander watching myself find out this news. I definitely cried tears of joy, ugly tears, but joyful ones. Chase was in shock, happy shock, but it was a total surprise - one we wanted; but we just were unsure if another pregnancy, and a successful one at that, was in our future - and it WAS because December 16th our son was born. His birth was beautiful. In the surgery room, they were playing Christmas music, and "Silent Night" was ringing in our ears when he arrived. I immediately burst into tears of joy again. The Dr. said "You must be very happy today." I replied a response, truly from the Holy Spirit, because I have never worded parenting like this, but it was a truth that came and impacted my heart and I repeat to E and J now often; I said "I just feel so privileged to be his mom." It took many of the people in the room back, including myself, one nurse seemed as if she as never heard a parent say that and I could tell they all were sharing in our joy.  Chase was humming "Silent Night" to our son as he held him, it was a perfect moment. A truly perfect moment. A delivery nurse later told Chase how nice it was to see parents who cared and loved so much, just taking in the moment with us. E loves being a big sister and has adjusted very well. We are so proud of her!
 
 
 
 
To be honest, this was a big year - E and I traveled to OR to visit family and enjoy a beautiful wedding! While there, we made some amazing memories, such as my grandparents being able to be with all their Great-Grandchildren. It was a time that will always stay close my heart and I hope more time with West Coast family will be more frequent in the years to come.
 
Then, following up the week of vacation, I returned to news that Chase had been offered a job in the Panhandle. He asked if he could accept it, and after talking about it, we decided it was the right move for us, so we could be closer to family. Chases job has been good to him and I also found a new job I love at a local clothing and dress boutique. It all happened very fast, and it was so hard to leave Clearwater and our family there, we still miss it and each person in our lives there. However, we have enjoyed living closer to family and giving E the chance to get to know her grandparents and especially her great-great grandmother (Granny), who lives close by for visits. In fact, one of my favorite memories of the two of them, happened just a month after moving here. She bonded so quickly to her Granny, that when we attended a family wedding here in the area, the second she saw her Granny, E immediately ran up to her and reached over her walker to hug her. Seeing that reminded me the blessing of living close and helping E gather cherished memories of her Granny. Granny turned 95 this year, so we are so grateful to have this time with her. 



 
Other highlights included:
The funnest, best, baby celebration ever in Clearwater.
 
Joining a new church with our family!!
E starting school and meeting lots of new friends!!! (Her, Chase, and I)

 
Celebrating E's birthday!
 
And kinda meeting Santa....
 


 
This was a special year. A very special one... And E began to understand how generous and loving the Lord is to send Jesus to earth to be our Savior. I was grateful that she understood that Jesus came, and that was why we celebrated Christmas. She has begun to learn scripture verses and loves reading. Chase and I truly are privileged to be parents to E and now J. I am grateful, celebrating a gracious, loving year given from our Lord!
 
 
All our love,
Chase, Rebecca, Elizabeth and Jackson
 

A perfect song....

Psalm 116

Psalm 116

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
    he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
    I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me,
    the anguish of the grave came over me;
    I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    Lord, save me!
The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the unwary;
    when I was brought low, he saved me.
Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.
For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.
10 I trusted in the Lord when I said,
    “I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
    “Everyone is a liar.”
12 What shall I return to the Lord
    for all his goodness to me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
    and call on the name of the Lord.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people.
15 Precious in the sight of the Lord
    is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, Lord;
    I serve you just as my mother did;
    you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
    and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the Lord
    in your midst, Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord.

I found this scripture right before J was born. I absolutely praised the Lord upon reading it because He knew I had yet to find the right scripture to pray of J's life and this just sums up the journey we have been on to have and hold another child. With his arrival I have read this scripture over and over him and prayed it and praised through it. Now I share it with you!

Love, Rebecca
Little J's Mom

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Last thoughts before J arrives!

I wasn't planning to write tonight, but I am assuring myself I will go into labor tonight. I dont know how, but I want it to happen. That sounds so silly, but I really am anxious for his presence outside my womb. Stubborn me would wait up all night if I were sure he were coming tonight. 
Reality, I need some time to reflect, right now, on the love that exists between us in our current state and the changes that come with hearing those first cries. 

Jackson I love you now because you are my son, you are growing me in and it amazes me. I have waited to feel little kicks again, and your life in has gifted me that. I have seen you blink, and open your cute little mouth and those are stunning images - but I want to see you face to face. Is it selfish that I want that more than I want the intimacy of your little bodies current dependence on mine? I wish it didn't feel selfish, but come, please come soon. I want to hold those cute little hands I felt press against my belly so strongly the other night - and kiss each little finger. If timing is everything, we would share a 10th birthday if you come in the next 24 ('ish) hours.... Plus Daddy and I's anniversary is the 10th, soooooo... it kinda just works, don't cha' think Jackson? 
Honestly, there were days I wondered if little you would ever exist, if I would ever have the faith and strength to carry little lives inside - or how long it would take to heal up from earthly loss. I was surprised to find you - I was grateful, I was overwhelmed. When I started crying after I got the positive test, that you were positively alive - it was as if I was watching myself from the sideline. Could it be? Could we really be doing this again? And yes, we did it again, we have you - we have had you... all this time. I have not taken it for granted. Not gonna lie to you, I could have prayed more, I could have journaled more, I could have taken a lot more belly pictures - but God gave me grace on this journey of ours together, these 38 weeks and 2 days thus far. And to think the maximum I will have to wait to see you in my arms and not my belly is 6 more days, max! But like I said, today works too! 
When you read this, once you're older - I am sure it will just emphasize what you have, at the point, learned about me: I am impatient and a go-getter - well, I hope you think I am kinda patient (with you and E that is - but other than that!!! NO). 
Jackson Abram: God is gracious and exalted.... and He so is.... You are all His. Every cell given by His grace, and exalted because He is creator and He loves you. 
Psalm 139 I prayed over and over to E and have written it for her in her journal, read it to her and now I read it, write it, pray it for you....

"You have searched me, Lordand you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully (reverently) and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sandwhen I awake, I am still with you... Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

See you soon! Love, Mommy