First Touches of Weakness

I thought I was fine. I even said to myself as I walked up to the baby shower "I am so okay." This friend was having a miracle baby, a baby I had prayed to God would give her. I know, she knew the pain I have been experiencing from a previous loss. In fact, I had been looking forward to celebrating with  her because I am so excited for this baby. So here I am sitting at this beautiful baby shower, friends close by, two recently had little girls and two are pregnant with amazing little treasures, that I also cant wait to meet! The talk between me and my dressed up girlfriends, of course, is on children, and talking about their miracles. I am fine through all this, my baby passed through my mind, but I am settled in their happiness in heaven. But then, one of my friends, whom I hadn't talked to about what has happened, asked "What about you, more kids in the future?" My heart stopped, it has been the question that has haunted my mind often since this loss. Of course I want more children, cautiously because I fear feeling this sadness again, but hopeful for the children God has for us. But that is not what I said, instead my response was to give into my emotions and start crying. I didn't think that question would get me like that, but my heart felt like it was shaking in my chest as it recovered from the momentary hault it had just experienced. I thought I was fine, my friend who was also sitting with us, had read my blog and messaged me sharing her own loss, said "I thought you were doing okay?" Honestly, so did I. I thought I was okay and had processed my sweet babies place in heaven, and the fact that I don't hold their life in me anymore. I thought I was okay, and was dealing with it. But to hear that question out-loud, well it out-poured a wealth of emotions, the loss, the future, fear, and the hope I have to one day be a mother to another child. I was overwhelmed. I pulled it together quickly and apologized for my response, my friend felt for me, I knew she did. But I didn't want to be center of attention today, it was a celebration of life for a baby to come. I wanted to celebrate with her, it was her day!
My first touch with my weakness, I mean, beyond those first days of raw emotion. Grief is a powerful thing, even with the Lords peace and strength it feels easy to surrender to it. That moment opened to some special time with friends as the shower was wrapping up, and ladies grabbed my hand, hugged me, and told me they were sorry for my loss. A friend, I admire, shared with me her own loss and reminded me to grieve, something that obviously summed up the moment I had earlier. It was another step in my redemption for the sadness of this loss, to grieve but be able to do so in a way that says "God, I am not happy this happened, but I am happy that my baby in in Your loving care. I am going to cry for my loss right now, but the joy I have in You also brings me to tears. I may feel sad, but I am not hopeless. My hope for my child is with You and my hope for the future." Its like grief first, then God. God always conquers my touches with weakness. Scripture sums it up like this "But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

Matthew 5:3-10
 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

(2 Corinthians 12:9-10 scripture is from a time Paul was pleading with the Lord to take away the torment of a messenger from Satan (torment that God allowed to keep him from being conceited), this was God's response.)