I don't have much to say today. I journaled a lot in the days after our baby went to worship Jesus, and in the past week have thought of them often but the writing stopped. I think that I poured my heart out so much between 1-blog 2-Elizabeth's notebook 3-personal journal, that I just wrote out so much; not wanting to forget anything I thought and said. Now I just find myself touching my empty tummy and silently praying through moments. I am not sad all the time, but at times I am. I don't like what happened, but I am okay now. I am again, overjoyed for our baby and not for one moment have I felt sad for them - they would not even be able to comprehend me feeling anything but JOY for their current place in eternity because it is a REALLY good one.
The most amazing thing for me lately has been talking with so many people who have experienced great loss or trials and the redemption God has given them. Redemption has a been a big word for me lately and literally one day I was driving and talking with the Lord and really wanting to hear a reply, I had the radio on and the first word I heard was "redeemed." It was a great word to hear and I felt it summing up my current struggle. Now that word reminds me of one of my favorite songs, but also a lesson God taught me a long time ago. Often we desire perfection, don't deny that you would not mind if your life had turned out perfectly, we all would not mind the easy ride once and while. I think that we appreciate the hardships and all they have taught us, but if we had a perfect life, well, we would have never needed to learn those lessons in the first place, right? (Ellie, I know that is a run on sentence or fragment or something, okay!) Anyways, this amazing song is called the Angels Wish and it goes like this:
Was God smiling
When He spoke the words
That made the world
And did He cry about the flood
And what does God's voice sound like
When He sings, when He's angry
These are just a few things
That the angels have on me
Chorus:
Well, I can't fly
At least not yet
I've got no halo on my head
And I can't even start to picture Heaven's beauty
But I've been shown the Savior's love
The grace of God has raised me up
To show me things the angels long to look into
And I know things
The Angels only wish they knew
I have seen the dark and desperate place
Where sin will take you
I've felt loneliness and shame
And I have watched the blinding light of grace
Come breaking through with a sweetness
Only tasted by the forgiven and redeemed
And someday I'll sit down with my angel friends
Up in Heaven
They'll tell me about creation
And I'll tell them a story of grace
Oh, its is just the most beautiful song. When I have thought about what I am walking through right now, I have thought and remembered "God prepared me, my entire life, to deal with exactly what He has given me and in this case taken from me. The closeness I have with Him, I cherish it, that bond exists to help me through the trials He has sent to me. In comparison to some, my loss is small, but God purposed my life to be here now, and I am not hopeless. I am redeemed."
See like I said above we would want that perfect life, until we have gone through those trials, and we appreciate what they make us. As believers, God prepares us and has purposed our lives to bring Him glory through our trials and blessings. Most of the awesome, redeemed people I know shower me in His glory when I see them! And thank you for that! But here is my ending to my little blogy tonight, sometimes I want to be in the dark so that I really know how good the light is. There I times, I need to feel desperate like I did the night my baby went to see Him, because I have never craved closeness to the Lord, like He let me feel that night. I want to be know I am forgiven when I mess up. I want to be redeemed. Honestly, do you?
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