Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Friday, May 1, 2015
Her little eyes are resting!
E sleeping has become one of my favorite times to watch her; mainly because I am exhausted the rest of the day from trying to "watch" her. Lately, the trend of putting her to bed means she is near me, laying in her bed or mine - we talk and she slowly drifts to sleep! The other night I was putting her to bed, she sweetly says "Mommy, I love you" I remind her I love her - she gently closes her eyes and in that moment, as weird as this sounds I saw her 25 year old self. Somehow she looked so grown to me, tears filled my eye, even writing this now I have tears. All of the sudden I wanted to cling to that moment, she is 3, she will be 3 forever, 25 wont come, but it will. I felt it. I wanted time to literally stop. My darling is growing, she is changing, she is little, but not for long enough to satisfy my heart, at least not in that moment. Night after night I look at her, since that moment passed... Some nights she looks like a little girl, clinging to her momma for the attention she needs, as being a big sissy means giving up some of "our" time. Some nights, she is independent and lays in her bed alone, waving bye to me, as if me walking 10 feet requires a good-bye. Some nights, like now, she is laying on my legs as I type - she fell asleep in my presence, just for nearness sake and because she didn't want to be alone in her room. Her little eyes are resting now - and I am watching her. Not in "I'll be watching you" by The Police way, but in a "I am your momma, I love you, I cherish you, I treasure you little, I anticipate you growing, I am holding onto you, I am here, My daughter, My darling, Stay close." and she does, for now!
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
MotherDaughter
Fact 1: When my armpits stink, they smell exactly like my mothers. Interesting right? More interesting is why I know the smell of my mom armpits, but in fact, tonight I smelled "her" when in fact I was the one stinking.... So this is life of Mothers and Daughters, you absolutely best and worst rolled into one another. Tonight as we were making our way home from E's game, baby is screaming because he hates the car and wants to nurse, E is screaming because well, because she is 3 and that seems to be her norm lately.. Best way to not freak out in a moment like that.. Listen to worship music and say nothing! I win this one, it didn't feel like a win, but I won. I kept my cool, more on that later!
Lately, life has been absolutely, positively, completely... indescribable, and not because it is so good. It's because I cant even begin to explain what is going on. Today my chest was heavy all morning, tears as I was driving around, running errands, seeking the solace of my moms company for lunch. The idea that at any moment, I am going to break, helpless to make a positive change because I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I am a confused mother, frustrated!
How do you help your daughter who is just like you? She IS just like me, should that not make life easy as pie? I mean who knows ME better than ME? (Answer: God). All her fun sassiness, her humor, her extreme energy, she is the me I wish I could be all the time. When it comes her to positive characteristics, E is loving, compassionate, perfectly feisty, friendly, and loves others. I know that God gifted her those things, as He did to me (wow, I sound so vain right now). BUT, she is also the worst of me... I don't want to flaunt our flaws but they begin with a strong will that won't let go. Her likeness to me makes me think I should understand her more, and be more aware and able to handle her behaviors. I tell myself, how would I want someone to deal with me in this situation? What would have worked to help me do better? I come up blank... Or when I come up with some great logic, it is lost on her - because she is 3. I absolutely don't think it's an excuse - she gets plenty of consequences, but they are often ineffective or the effect is extremely short term. Today I was at the end of my ability to deal.. and then the kids are screaming in the car. Losing at this mom thing was on the horizon for me. I have felt so done, I knew I could not give up on my kids, but I was somehow accepting that I could not win! And if I could not win then our future was bleak at best. "Just give me a vacation!!!" was the cry of my head, "I need an out for now, time to regroup!" I am about to lose it - I decide to worship, and like I said I somehow won. Here is why...
Awesome timing on songs always gets me in those moments of utter chaotic insanity. Mandisa's "Overcomer" came on and I remember, vividly, driving to work singing that song in the midst of my heartache over the loss of our children in these past years. Crying tears of sadness, feeling like I would never overcome those trying times, fearing another lost baby. Yet, tonight as I am stressing out, listening to two children literally screaming, suddenly I hear "God is holding you right now" and a feeling of thankfulness swept over me. Thinking that the baby screaming is the baby I longed for while wailing that song out all that time ago, and then the reason my 3 years old is having emotional, transitional issues is because of that very little baby, I have everything I longed for. Never did I picture it like this, it is a much poetic and lovely looking picture in my mind, but none the less I got it all - I didn't give up or give in to the lies and loss then, I won - I overcame, it was really a beautiful perspective. It didn't make the car quieter, but my heart became happier to deal with the situation (aka the shreks of children)! I am not sure that I will feel like winner tomorrow much more than I did in the past days, or that I will "win" every battle with my 3 year old self (hehehe), but I will keep tonight in mind. God equipped me to be a mom, today, yesterday and He will again tomorrow.
Lately, life has been absolutely, positively, completely... indescribable, and not because it is so good. It's because I cant even begin to explain what is going on. Today my chest was heavy all morning, tears as I was driving around, running errands, seeking the solace of my moms company for lunch. The idea that at any moment, I am going to break, helpless to make a positive change because I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I am a confused mother, frustrated!
How do you help your daughter who is just like you? She IS just like me, should that not make life easy as pie? I mean who knows ME better than ME? (Answer: God). All her fun sassiness, her humor, her extreme energy, she is the me I wish I could be all the time. When it comes her to positive characteristics, E is loving, compassionate, perfectly feisty, friendly, and loves others. I know that God gifted her those things, as He did to me (wow, I sound so vain right now). BUT, she is also the worst of me... I don't want to flaunt our flaws but they begin with a strong will that won't let go. Her likeness to me makes me think I should understand her more, and be more aware and able to handle her behaviors. I tell myself, how would I want someone to deal with me in this situation? What would have worked to help me do better? I come up blank... Or when I come up with some great logic, it is lost on her - because she is 3. I absolutely don't think it's an excuse - she gets plenty of consequences, but they are often ineffective or the effect is extremely short term. Today I was at the end of my ability to deal.. and then the kids are screaming in the car. Losing at this mom thing was on the horizon for me. I have felt so done, I knew I could not give up on my kids, but I was somehow accepting that I could not win! And if I could not win then our future was bleak at best. "Just give me a vacation!!!" was the cry of my head, "I need an out for now, time to regroup!" I am about to lose it - I decide to worship, and like I said I somehow won. Here is why...
Awesome timing on songs always gets me in those moments of utter chaotic insanity. Mandisa's "Overcomer" came on and I remember, vividly, driving to work singing that song in the midst of my heartache over the loss of our children in these past years. Crying tears of sadness, feeling like I would never overcome those trying times, fearing another lost baby. Yet, tonight as I am stressing out, listening to two children literally screaming, suddenly I hear "God is holding you right now" and a feeling of thankfulness swept over me. Thinking that the baby screaming is the baby I longed for while wailing that song out all that time ago, and then the reason my 3 years old is having emotional, transitional issues is because of that very little baby, I have everything I longed for. Never did I picture it like this, it is a much poetic and lovely looking picture in my mind, but none the less I got it all - I didn't give up or give in to the lies and loss then, I won - I overcame, it was really a beautiful perspective. It didn't make the car quieter, but my heart became happier to deal with the situation (aka the shreks of children)! I am not sure that I will feel like winner tomorrow much more than I did in the past days, or that I will "win" every battle with my 3 year old self (hehehe), but I will keep tonight in mind. God equipped me to be a mom, today, yesterday and He will again tomorrow.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Broken and Mended
How could this week have been so mentally challenging. I am not sure why this week all of my grief came to a head, and why my scars, figuratively, began to bleed a little. I am usually a glass-half-full girl, with rose colored glasses on, and that is who I love being. I enjoy finding "joy in the journey" - I absolutely thought I was fine: BUT,
I am extremely hormonal. So worth it, I would want these hormones all over the place, because it means I just had a baby - whom I adore!
I went back to work, which was an unexpected blessing, but going in I absolutely didn't know how I was going to feel.
I realized how much I miss my "old" life. Yet, knowing I am in the best place possible to live in obedience to the Lord and enjoy the reality I get to give my children a legacy of faith and family because we are so close to experience our families faith in our daily lives! (I just got this tidbit of truth put into me this morning at church and I needed it)
I don't know how to word this last challenge - Jackson is so valued to me, because of the time and loss we endured before he arrived. Yet, he doesn't replace what we lost - and feeling as though I suddenly can't hold onto my loss so tightly, because I have a child to celebrate, is tough. For the past two and a half years, the loss became a part of me. The broken part of me from that time in our lives, I still feel the impact of that pain. Now, I felt healing before Jackson came, but it is a scar; a scar that is tender to the touch. I felt healed in the waiting and it wasn't because I had any assurance of a child to come. In fact, many days I tried to accept that Elizabeth could be our only earthly child. Yet, when I prayed I knew God wanted obedience in my faith, and for me to know He didn't have to fulfill His promise of another child by my standards. I just knew He wanted us to have another child, whether it was a child to keep here or there. Today, we are on the other side of that obedience, we have a child and I don't feel that God has in any way "rewarded" me with a baby, but by making me obey Him, and His having our best in His sight - we have been given Jackson, for the glory of His kingdom.
Whew, okay I re-read those words like three times, I want this written right..
My prayer has changed for our family and for our children, I see them as purposed for God and His glory more than ever. I see our story, Gods plan, as purposed for His kingdom, for His glory - to stand beside the wounded (those who will have a scar like mine in time).
This week God put me face-to-face with each of my pains, I was not ready to face them, but there they were to remind me of when I was broken. To remind me what being mended feels like, how scars feel. I most definitely can't go back, but I have been broken and mended, I have scars!
There are struggles to come, and they are for other reasons then life and loss. I will break again, be mended again, and gain new scars. I pray I won't forget God faithfulness in my past, so I will live in hope during the times of trial. I will remember to walk with those who hurt and bring them to Hope!
Psalm 116 I choose for Jackson - it is two blogs below this, great reading. In addition, Chase and I are memorizing scriptures each month and I think my next will be this:
Deut. 6:5-9 (my thoughts, for reflection)
"5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children (show them your scars). Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads (remember what the Lord has done for you).9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates"
I am extremely hormonal. So worth it, I would want these hormones all over the place, because it means I just had a baby - whom I adore!
I went back to work, which was an unexpected blessing, but going in I absolutely didn't know how I was going to feel.
I realized how much I miss my "old" life. Yet, knowing I am in the best place possible to live in obedience to the Lord and enjoy the reality I get to give my children a legacy of faith and family because we are so close to experience our families faith in our daily lives! (I just got this tidbit of truth put into me this morning at church and I needed it)
I don't know how to word this last challenge - Jackson is so valued to me, because of the time and loss we endured before he arrived. Yet, he doesn't replace what we lost - and feeling as though I suddenly can't hold onto my loss so tightly, because I have a child to celebrate, is tough. For the past two and a half years, the loss became a part of me. The broken part of me from that time in our lives, I still feel the impact of that pain. Now, I felt healing before Jackson came, but it is a scar; a scar that is tender to the touch. I felt healed in the waiting and it wasn't because I had any assurance of a child to come. In fact, many days I tried to accept that Elizabeth could be our only earthly child. Yet, when I prayed I knew God wanted obedience in my faith, and for me to know He didn't have to fulfill His promise of another child by my standards. I just knew He wanted us to have another child, whether it was a child to keep here or there. Today, we are on the other side of that obedience, we have a child and I don't feel that God has in any way "rewarded" me with a baby, but by making me obey Him, and His having our best in His sight - we have been given Jackson, for the glory of His kingdom.
Whew, okay I re-read those words like three times, I want this written right..
My prayer has changed for our family and for our children, I see them as purposed for God and His glory more than ever. I see our story, Gods plan, as purposed for His kingdom, for His glory - to stand beside the wounded (those who will have a scar like mine in time).
This week God put me face-to-face with each of my pains, I was not ready to face them, but there they were to remind me of when I was broken. To remind me what being mended feels like, how scars feel. I most definitely can't go back, but I have been broken and mended, I have scars!
There are struggles to come, and they are for other reasons then life and loss. I will break again, be mended again, and gain new scars. I pray I won't forget God faithfulness in my past, so I will live in hope during the times of trial. I will remember to walk with those who hurt and bring them to Hope!
Psalm 116 I choose for Jackson - it is two blogs below this, great reading. In addition, Chase and I are memorizing scriptures each month and I think my next will be this:
Deut. 6:5-9 (my thoughts, for reflection)
"5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children (show them your scars). Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads (remember what the Lord has done for you).9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates"
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
2014
To say I am going to get a Christmas card or a New Years card out this year, would be a lie. I think I am learning to not stress doing everything and just realizing I should do what I can. SO here is the letter I love writing, and packing, and stamping every year but not this year - since my hands are full with a new, cherished son!
Chase and I were discussing this past year and we both said, this was just our best year. I hate to classify a best and rate years, but this one was just so good, so changing, so full of love and excitement. I cant help but say - it was a full, wonderful, and yes, our best yet!
In January we made the choice to purchase Disney Passes. At the time we lived so close to Disney, that we knew we would use them often and we did. We had several fun adventures and short, mini vacations scattered through this past year. E grew and changed so much and experiencing the imagination of a child alongside her, brought about many cherished memories. Grammie and Grampie even joined us on several of our trips, which was fun. 4 or more adults chasing around a 2 year old.... Interesting stuff!
Chase and I were discussing this past year and we both said, this was just our best year. I hate to classify a best and rate years, but this one was just so good, so changing, so full of love and excitement. I cant help but say - it was a full, wonderful, and yes, our best yet!
In January we made the choice to purchase Disney Passes. At the time we lived so close to Disney, that we knew we would use them often and we did. We had several fun adventures and short, mini vacations scattered through this past year. E grew and changed so much and experiencing the imagination of a child alongside her, brought about many cherished memories. Grammie and Grampie even joined us on several of our trips, which was fun. 4 or more adults chasing around a 2 year old.... Interesting stuff!
In April, the biggest surprise came just one day after a very rough day. We had to put our beloved Pippy down because she was very sick. Surprisingly the next day we got the best, most wonderful, amazing news came when we found out we were expecting again..... I seriously remember that moment as if I were a by-stander watching myself find out this news. I definitely cried tears of joy, ugly tears, but joyful ones. Chase was in shock, happy shock, but it was a total surprise - one we wanted; but we just were unsure if another pregnancy, and a successful one at that, was in our future - and it WAS because December 16th our son was born. His birth was beautiful. In the surgery room, they were playing Christmas music, and "Silent Night" was ringing in our ears when he arrived. I immediately burst into tears of joy again. The Dr. said "You must be very happy today." I replied a response, truly from the Holy Spirit, because I have never worded parenting like this, but it was a truth that came and impacted my heart and I repeat to E and J now often; I said "I just feel so privileged to be his mom." It took many of the people in the room back, including myself, one nurse seemed as if she as never heard a parent say that and I could tell they all were sharing in our joy. Chase was humming "Silent Night" to our son as he held him, it was a perfect moment. A truly perfect moment. A delivery nurse later told Chase how nice it was to see parents who cared and loved so much, just taking in the moment with us. E loves being a big sister and has adjusted very well. We are so proud of her!
To be honest, this was a big year - E and I traveled to OR to visit family and enjoy a beautiful wedding! While there, we made some amazing memories, such as my grandparents being able to be with all their Great-Grandchildren. It was a time that will always stay close my heart and I hope more time with West Coast family will be more frequent in the years to come.
Then, following up the week of vacation, I returned to news that Chase had been offered a job in the Panhandle. He asked if he could accept it, and after talking about it, we decided it was the right move for us, so we could be closer to family. Chases job has been good to him and I also found a new job I love at a local clothing and dress boutique. It all happened very fast, and it was so hard to leave Clearwater and our family there, we still miss it and each person in our lives there. However, we have enjoyed living closer to family and giving E the chance to get to know her grandparents and especially her great-great grandmother (Granny), who lives close by for visits. In fact, one of my favorite memories of the two of them, happened just a month after moving here. She bonded so quickly to her Granny, that when we attended a family wedding here in the area, the second she saw her Granny, E immediately ran up to her and reached over her walker to hug her. Seeing that reminded me the blessing of living close and helping E gather cherished memories of her Granny. Granny turned 95 this year, so we are so grateful to have this time with her.
Other highlights included:
The funnest, best, baby celebration ever in Clearwater.
Joining a new church with our family!!
E starting school and meeting lots of new friends!!! (Her, Chase, and I)
Celebrating E's birthday!
And kinda meeting Santa....
This was a special year. A very special one... And E began to understand how generous and loving the Lord is to send Jesus to earth to be our Savior. I was grateful that she understood that Jesus came, and that was why we celebrated Christmas. She has begun to learn scripture verses and loves reading. Chase and I truly are privileged to be parents to E and now J. I am grateful, celebrating a gracious, loving year given from our Lord!
All our love,
Chase, Rebecca, Elizabeth and Jackson
A perfect song....
Psalm 116
Psalm 116
1 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Lord, save me!”
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Lord, save me!”
5 The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6 The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
our God is full of compassion.
6 The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return to your rest, my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
for the Lord has been good to you.
8 For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
10 I trusted in the Lord when I said,
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
“Everyone is a liar.”
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
“Everyone is a liar.”
12 What shall I return to the Lord
for all his goodness to me?
for all his goodness to me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the Lord.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.
and call on the name of the Lord.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.
15 Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, Lord;
I serve you just as my mother did;
you have freed me from my chains.
is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, Lord;
I serve you just as my mother did;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the Lord—
in your midst, Jerusalem.
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the Lord—
in your midst, Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord.
I found this scripture right before J was born. I absolutely praised the Lord upon reading it because He knew I had yet to find the right scripture to pray of J's life and this just sums up the journey we have been on to have and hold another child. With his arrival I have read this scripture over and over him and prayed it and praised through it. Now I share it with you!
Love, Rebecca
Little J's Mom
I found this scripture right before J was born. I absolutely praised the Lord upon reading it because He knew I had yet to find the right scripture to pray of J's life and this just sums up the journey we have been on to have and hold another child. With his arrival I have read this scripture over and over him and prayed it and praised through it. Now I share it with you!
Love, Rebecca
Little J's Mom
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Updated Life
I realize now, I am a horrible blogger - and I thought I would be so good at it! Bummer!
Less than 6 weeks until we deliver baby J - dont forget to check out my last post for pictures and info on his little life.
On my darling E - she turned 3 and with that came a new child - I mean this with all seriousness. Why didn't anyone warn me that 3 is not the same as 2 - terrible twos, it laughable, it should be terribly terrifying threes...... I can't say I was prepared, because I wasn't, not at all. However, this past week all my hard work for the last 2 months is finally bringing about a positive change in those challenging behaviors - I could not be more proud of E and myself, we made it!!!!!
In fact, E is now becoming an even greater joy to me - she is such a little story-teller. Yesterday the stories were about chocolate milk that has blueberries in it, that tasted like strawberries, ranch dressing, and cranberries.... Interesting stuff! She also told me that she and I are afraid of dragons and daddy is not, and when we are scared he cuddles us and makes us feel better. I mean that is just about the sweetest, best-est, most honest, and loving thing a little girl could say. I am so glad she sees her daddy as a source of comfort and strength! E is also now reciting bible verses, talking about God being with us, and Jesus saving us - I am just in awe at her ability to know and remember these truths. She has come to a time of fearfulness and it has been refreshing to my spiritual growth to go back to the basic truths with her, the uncomplicated truths of God as our protector, through His power and strength. I feel myself approaching these truths openly, honestly, and fully - it is such a cherished time to share with her my truest heart and love for God. Even speaking to the power of God is us, that I am only able to comfort her, just like daddy, because God has given us those abilities. The full circle of speaking through His truth in a way she understands, building knowledge from nothing but her sweet little, practically pure heart, it's simply put, the most exciting part of parenting yet. And thanks to the terribly rough beginning to 3 - I take it as God opening our hearts to rely on Him to survive it, but also to teach us through it. The beauty of living in obedience to Him - never have I been so challenged to BE LIKE JESUS then when she was losing her mind and by His grace, I kept mine! That power and example of loving her through it, teaching discipline through it - God opened opportunities! Grateful!
E also can't wait to meet baby J - and neither can I! I am ready to have him in my arms - but I know, I know... I should appreciate the journey of pregnancy - and so we wait... 5 weeks, 4 days..... plus a few hours.... hahaha! He is such a treasure to me, like E has always been, feeling him move, I wake up most night with my heart rejoicing at the thought "He is alive, my son is alive." It has been a overwhelming and blessed pregnancy, despite the constant discomforts that come as a baby grows, kicks, and moves. I love him so very much - unexplainable love between a mother and her children.
Life is busy, we are still adjusting to our new home life... All is well, we are blessed to be close to our family. I see the blessing of their closeness in E's bond to them. It is so different, but in the best, and clearly God sent way. Yet, I have found myself complaining more than I should, which Chase made clear to me this week. However, I am processor - I think over things like hundreds of times. I reflect on our life here, there, and what the future will be like here vs. there. And life is about to drastically and blessedly shift with J's arrival. I haven't settled as quickly as I wish I could, but that doesn't mean complaining about it, so I press on, trying harder not to complain! The best thing for me this week was reading back on the emotions and timing of God moving us here, the clear knowledge that we did follow His leading, it was not anything but His desire, and in obedience we moved. The knowledge that our lives are being lived out by His will - there is no greater peace then being smack-dab in the middle of where you should be! Whoop, Whoop!!!!!!!
Prayer for the coming changes of J being in our arms and able to cry, out loud! :) With love, I pray all of you are doing well, very well too!
Searching for scripture of what our lives look like, this is one of my favorite passages in all of His word. Love the Lord, in that love obey Him, His good plans for you are waiting on the other side of you following Him in obedience. He is both protector and provider. His truth is not just for you, but for you to pass onto your children - that what you do, would be blessed by Him if you only obey - both in the suffering you had/have experienced and the freedom He gave you when you were released from your bondage and gave you the blessing He has stored up and prepared for you. You have seen the great work God has done... Dont forget it!
Less than 6 weeks until we deliver baby J - dont forget to check out my last post for pictures and info on his little life.
On my darling E - she turned 3 and with that came a new child - I mean this with all seriousness. Why didn't anyone warn me that 3 is not the same as 2 - terrible twos, it laughable, it should be terribly terrifying threes...... I can't say I was prepared, because I wasn't, not at all. However, this past week all my hard work for the last 2 months is finally bringing about a positive change in those challenging behaviors - I could not be more proud of E and myself, we made it!!!!!
In fact, E is now becoming an even greater joy to me - she is such a little story-teller. Yesterday the stories were about chocolate milk that has blueberries in it, that tasted like strawberries, ranch dressing, and cranberries.... Interesting stuff! She also told me that she and I are afraid of dragons and daddy is not, and when we are scared he cuddles us and makes us feel better. I mean that is just about the sweetest, best-est, most honest, and loving thing a little girl could say. I am so glad she sees her daddy as a source of comfort and strength! E is also now reciting bible verses, talking about God being with us, and Jesus saving us - I am just in awe at her ability to know and remember these truths. She has come to a time of fearfulness and it has been refreshing to my spiritual growth to go back to the basic truths with her, the uncomplicated truths of God as our protector, through His power and strength. I feel myself approaching these truths openly, honestly, and fully - it is such a cherished time to share with her my truest heart and love for God. Even speaking to the power of God is us, that I am only able to comfort her, just like daddy, because God has given us those abilities. The full circle of speaking through His truth in a way she understands, building knowledge from nothing but her sweet little, practically pure heart, it's simply put, the most exciting part of parenting yet. And thanks to the terribly rough beginning to 3 - I take it as God opening our hearts to rely on Him to survive it, but also to teach us through it. The beauty of living in obedience to Him - never have I been so challenged to BE LIKE JESUS then when she was losing her mind and by His grace, I kept mine! That power and example of loving her through it, teaching discipline through it - God opened opportunities! Grateful!
E also can't wait to meet baby J - and neither can I! I am ready to have him in my arms - but I know, I know... I should appreciate the journey of pregnancy - and so we wait... 5 weeks, 4 days..... plus a few hours.... hahaha! He is such a treasure to me, like E has always been, feeling him move, I wake up most night with my heart rejoicing at the thought "He is alive, my son is alive." It has been a overwhelming and blessed pregnancy, despite the constant discomforts that come as a baby grows, kicks, and moves. I love him so very much - unexplainable love between a mother and her children.
Life is busy, we are still adjusting to our new home life... All is well, we are blessed to be close to our family. I see the blessing of their closeness in E's bond to them. It is so different, but in the best, and clearly God sent way. Yet, I have found myself complaining more than I should, which Chase made clear to me this week. However, I am processor - I think over things like hundreds of times. I reflect on our life here, there, and what the future will be like here vs. there. And life is about to drastically and blessedly shift with J's arrival. I haven't settled as quickly as I wish I could, but that doesn't mean complaining about it, so I press on, trying harder not to complain! The best thing for me this week was reading back on the emotions and timing of God moving us here, the clear knowledge that we did follow His leading, it was not anything but His desire, and in obedience we moved. The knowledge that our lives are being lived out by His will - there is no greater peace then being smack-dab in the middle of where you should be! Whoop, Whoop!!!!!!!
Prayer for the coming changes of J being in our arms and able to cry, out loud! :) With love, I pray all of you are doing well, very well too!
Searching for scripture of what our lives look like, this is one of my favorite passages in all of His word. Love the Lord, in that love obey Him, His good plans for you are waiting on the other side of you following Him in obedience. He is both protector and provider. His truth is not just for you, but for you to pass onto your children - that what you do, would be blessed by Him if you only obey - both in the suffering you had/have experienced and the freedom He gave you when you were released from your bondage and gave you the blessing He has stored up and prepared for you. You have seen the great work God has done... Dont forget it!
Deuteronomy 11 (HCSB)
Remember and Obey
11 “Therefore, love the Lord your God and always keep His mandate and His statutes, ordinances, and commands. 2 You must understand today that it is not your children who experienced or saw the discipline of the Lord your God:
His greatness, strong hand, and outstretched arm; 3 His signs and the works He did in Egypt to Pharaoh king of Egypt and all his land; 4 what He did to Egypt’s army, its horses and chariots, when He made the waters of the Red Sea flow over them as they pursued you, and He destroyed them completely; 5 what He did to you in the wilderness until you reached this place; 6 and what He did to Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab the Reubenite, when in the middle of the whole Israelite camp the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them, their households, their tents, and every living thing with them.
7 Your own eyes have seen every great work the Lord has done.
8 “Keep every command I am giving you today, so that you may have the strength to cross into and possess the land you are to inherit, 9 and so that you may live long in the land the Lord swore to your fathers to give them and their descendants, a land flowing with milk and honey. 10 For the land you are entering to possess is not like the land of Egypt, from which you have come, where you sowed your seed and irrigated by hand as in a vegetable garden. 11 But the land you are entering to possess is a land of mountains and valleys, watered by rain from the sky. 12 It is a land the Lord your God cares for. He is always watching over it from the beginning to the end of the year.
13 “If you carefully obey my commands I am giving you today, to love the Lord your God and worship Him with all your heart and all your soul, 14 I will provide rain for your land in the proper time, the autumn and spring rains, and you will harvest your grain, new wine, and oil. 15 I will provide grass in your fields for your livestock. You will eat and be satisfied. 16 Be careful that you are not enticed to turn aside, worship, and bow down to other gods. 17 Then the Lord’s anger will burn against you. He will close the sky, and there will be no rain; the land will not yield its produce, and you will perish quickly from the good land the Lord is giving you.
18 “Imprint these words of mine on your hearts and minds, bind them as a sign on your hands, and let them be a symbol on your foreheads. 19 Teach them to your children,talking about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 20 Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, 21 so that as long as the heavens are above the earth, your days and those of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your fathers. 22 For if you carefully observe every one of these commands I am giving you to follow—to love theLord your God, walk in all His ways, and remain faithful to Him— 23 the Lord will drive out all these nations before you, and you will drive out nations greater and stronger than you are. 24 Every place the sole of your foot treads will be yours. Your territory will extend from the wilderness to Lebanon and from the Euphrates River to the Mediterranean Sea.25 No one will be able to stand against you; the Lord your God will put fear and dread of you in all the land where you set foot, as He has promised you.
A Blessing and a Curse
26 “Look, today I set before you a blessing and a curse: 27 there will be a blessing, if you obey the commands of the Lord your God I am giving you today, 28 and a curse, if you do not obey the commands of the Lord your God and you turn aside from the path I command you today by following other gods you have not known. 29 When the Lord your God brings you into the land you are entering to possess, you are to proclaim the blessing at Mount Gerizim and the curse at Mount Ebal. 30 Aren’t these mountains across the Jordan, beyond the western road in the land of the Canaanites, who live in the Arabah, opposite Gilgal, near the oaks of Moreh? 31 For you are about to cross the Jordan to enter and take possession of the land the Lord your God is giving you. When you possess it and settle in it, 32 be careful to follow all the statutes and ordinances I set before you today.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Graceful Parenting
Last year I read a post by the wonderful Anna at http://annapianoruth.blogspot.com/. She is my cousins wife, and I have loved following her parenting journey. This specific post on graceful parenting was one of my favorites and often I think on her words about her childs behavior, his fear of consequence and this time, she choose to just hold him despite it all - giving him some grace. My little E is getting there, fearing consequences for mis-behaviors, and me trying to balance discipline and mercy. I find myself gaining patience and loving the interior, heart change that comes with this extended patience. Something I love and yet struggle though is that I always see the good in people, in E it is easy for me to see, she my daughter, my bronze love (God being gold and Chase coming in silver - obsessed with the Olympics, I think YES - hate it has been over.). Who she is becoming I love because I see the goodness of God all over her, but where is the line drawn between teaching her respect for what is right, integrity to choose righteousness over disobedience and sin and then, teaching her what mercy, grace, and sacrificial love looks like. The love that says "I don't care what you have done or will do, I just love you, no matter what is costs me." I ponder this daily, I think for the most part I get it right. I overdo the discipline here, give to much grace there - it all equals out, at least I hope it does. Just kidding, I am really trying here! Parenting sure isn't getting easier, but it is changing, she is changing and like I said, so am I; and I like it!
"Thank you God for the gift of parenting E. She is a treasure, I won't hide her away or keep her for myself - Lord, I choose to lead her to You. Let Your love grow in her heart - so she will choose Your truth and Your ways. Lord, when I think about her purpose, more than I can imagine or know; I realize that surrendering her to You means that when the cross-road of discipline or grace come, I must turn toward Your wisdom for guidance. So that my actions reflect Your heart, that my words are Your words. Help me live my life before her with integrity, the kind that chooses to do things Your way by obeying Your word and submitting my life before Your standards. Lord, also let me see Your people with Your love for them first, help me give grace and mercy to those You love so that E will one day do the same, even if that day is not as far off as I think it is right now. She is growing faster than I planned Lord and I just don't know how much longer she will be my baby, but You are ready for the person she is becoming, I need to follow closely, so soon she will too."
"Thank you God for the gift of parenting E. She is a treasure, I won't hide her away or keep her for myself - Lord, I choose to lead her to You. Let Your love grow in her heart - so she will choose Your truth and Your ways. Lord, when I think about her purpose, more than I can imagine or know; I realize that surrendering her to You means that when the cross-road of discipline or grace come, I must turn toward Your wisdom for guidance. So that my actions reflect Your heart, that my words are Your words. Help me live my life before her with integrity, the kind that chooses to do things Your way by obeying Your word and submitting my life before Your standards. Lord, also let me see Your people with Your love for them first, help me give grace and mercy to those You love so that E will one day do the same, even if that day is not as far off as I think it is right now. She is growing faster than I planned Lord and I just don't know how much longer she will be my baby, but You are ready for the person she is becoming, I need to follow closely, so soon she will too."
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
How becoming a mother was very becoming for me.
I fit into motherhood well, I am far from a perfect parent. I struggle through lazy days, housekeeping, and just figuring out anything for us to do - but becoming a parent fit me. I remember E when she first came into my arms - it made sense, it felt so good. When I look at pictures of her babyness I honestly do just feel my spirit filled with flutters of love and affection for the small, innocent child, it is good for my soul to remember that baby as we enter the "terrible twos." I don't feel that these days are actually terrible, but they are rougher than before, she is a little fighter - just like me. Anyway, when I think of her as a baby I remember the hard parts and question my desire to "go back," I mean I want another baby - but it is so much work, worthwhile work, but work. Then I look at those pictures, and how well God placed her in our family and just that overwhelming love we were given for her. I loved her helplessness and dependence on us, but her with another baby, can I handle that work? I already said I struggle through housework and suffer from fighting my laziness, I am not sure I can handle it! But motherhood is so becoming on me, I feel made for it, I know I am. So when I question if it will work the answer is yes. I am just not sure how or when so... "Lord lead!'
Check out my next post, I wrote it back in Sept - thinking on the coming Christmas - so many unanswered questions then about having more children, and raising E.... blessings......
Check out my next post, I wrote it back in Sept - thinking on the coming Christmas - so many unanswered questions then about having more children, and raising E.... blessings......
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Moments until you are 2!
Elizabeth, this post will be brief, you turn 2 in 10 minutes. In 10 minutes you move from baby to a true toddler, though I already see you as such, now airlines and some amusement parks will also see you this way. I can't imagine telling people you are 2, you are my baby, I just can't see beyond this, now 9 minutes. I can see past the memories of the these almost 2 years (8 minutes). You amaze me, you are incredible and so intelligent, what will tomorrow bring? Will you grow an inch tomorrow, probably not, but there will be a change and it won't be a visible one, but I will feel different in 7 minutes, I just know it. So here I sit, anxious for what is about to come, you are my angel, my safe space so many days. Today you were so cuddly and I just know those years between cuddles and personal space are coming - and those years are going to pass as quickly as the past 2 have. I wait, its 6 minutes now. I feel sick. I don't want to say goodbye to these years - these baby years. The years that have taken people back, that someone so young could be so talkative, and count, and identify letter and colors and animals - will be people be as surprised when I tell them you are 2 and not 1 any longer. I have held on to 1, like I am holding to these last 4 minutes I have. Daddy is over here snoring and 2 years ago about this time, he was doing just the same, prepping for your arrival by being well rested, me not so much, I was up, like I am now. I was just waiting for what was to come, like these last 3 minutes are coming. What should I write that can't wait another moment, that I love you so much, that you are the light that sparks my heart. You have blessed me beyond expectation, you are Elizabeth! I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you..... One minute.........
Saturday, September 14, 2013
When you look at heaven!
Elizabeth, when you look at Heaven and "Hi Jesus," I am blown away. Your memory of Him is so clear, and you simply greet Him. It makes me wonder, in your innocence, if are you experiencing Him in a more honest way than even me. Do you remember Him? Is He like a person you can talk to, because I know He is, but I wonder what you know. You randomly start singing "Jesus loves me" and I think in all honestly, you get it. At some point, it feels like more than I have taught you, I may have taught you the song, the phrase, the name, but today - you looked up and said "Hi Jesus" all on your own, I wish I understood how much you are grasping from talking with Him. And maybe in my heart, I am building this into to much, but nah.... God is setting a foundation for you, I am happy to be part of it. He wants you to know His son, like He has let me know Him. Oh and you so quickly rush to speak with Him; what I love most is that nothing was holding you back. Mommy often approaches God so cautiously because I may have stumbled that day and my heart just doesn't "seem" clean enough to talk with Him. So I hesitate, because I fear the consciousness I have of my sin before Him, but I will talk to Him anyway. I will remove my own guilt and approach the One, the forgiver, the One, the lover, the One grace giver. So here I go.... "Hi Jesus, can I talk to you as innocently as my 1 year old?" and I know His reply is "Yes."
Just a little note: I taught Elizabeth all of those things about Jesus, His name, where He dwells, and who is with Him in heaven (God, Cary and Eli). She is so sweet, she looks up and for a week it has been simply "Hi Jesus" and then today she followed it with "Hi Cary, Hi Eli." Tears welled up in my eyes, I responded to her greeting "Just tell them that you love them and miss them." She then continues to look up and says "I love you, I miss you" oh, mommy and does too...... I really do.
Just a little note: I taught Elizabeth all of those things about Jesus, His name, where He dwells, and who is with Him in heaven (God, Cary and Eli). She is so sweet, she looks up and for a week it has been simply "Hi Jesus" and then today she followed it with "Hi Cary, Hi Eli." Tears welled up in my eyes, I responded to her greeting "Just tell them that you love them and miss them." She then continues to look up and says "I love you, I miss you" oh, mommy and does too...... I really do.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Not a long way down!
This will not be an easy to post to write, not emotionally, but actually. Elizabeth is touching my stomach and yelling "belly, belly, belly" and then tapping it as it jiggles, and yes, I just shared that with all of you, lucky. She also has a bucket of toys dumped onto her lap and get frustrated with them if they don't behave just right, so right now they aren't. Well, super mommy to the rescue, the toys obey me and then all is made right in the world.... She is happy once again.
Lately I have been secretly writing but today I knew I needed to write something postable.
And this post really started because, as much and as challenging as some of her behaviors have become - the good stuff, like the song she is making up and singing about a zebra and "I meet the lizard" (or something like that) well, these moments are just toooooo good. They are so good and I know they won't last. Today it just struck how much some of things I complain about, I will miss so much when they are gone. Like going to the bathroom, I mean you would think the smells alone would send her running out, not in. But today she had to be near me, so she brought in her colors and paper and laid on the bathroom floor and colored while I um.... Anyways, I know that implies TMI - but in that moment, as nasty as I think laying on the bathroom floor is, I realized.... "One day it is going to gross her out that she did this, and she will never do it again when this age is over." The moment was rare, a visible representation of the closeness, the bond we share. Experiencing the honest reality that she "has to be" so close to me that she would lay on a bathroom floor just to color in my presence, this ain't happening in a year; maybe even a month as she gains grasp of dirty and clean, okay and gross. Oh my, this is cause for celebration, I have something to share with those boyfriends she attempts to bring in my presence, because when I tell her she did this when she is 16 - she is probably going to be completely grossed out, at herself (or at me for allowing it). YES!!!!!
So, I just smile and feel an actually sense of joy over the thought that my daughter loves me, values me, desires to share her life with me. So here I am, loved, valued, important - and then I talk to who I love and value and find most important, my Father, God.
"Sitting at Your feet, is where I want to be. I'm home when I am here with You. Ruined by Your grace, enamored by your gaze. I can't resist the tenderness of You. I'm deep in love with You Abba Father, I'm deep in love with You Lord. My heart it beats for You precious Jesus. I'm deep in love with You Lord." ("Deep in Love with You Lord" - Michael W. Smith)
Honestly, here is my situation, I need to sit at His feet, desiring nothing more than closeness to my Father. Just like E will, one day, not just plop down wherever, whenever; often I have forgotten and not just sat when I needed too; I will miss her and He misses me. So I go to sit, then I realize that where I am to sit is somewhere much dirtier than a bathroom floor. Yet in the same way I know E had no concept of where she was sitting, she sat their joyfully because of who she was with (that was me, go mommy go); so I just need to sit, He is begging me to just sit. He ask me to remove those concerns and concepts of where I should be sitting, and just do it, now, sit now, like right now, at His feet. Then, when I get down there, no matter where "it" ends up being, I know I really won't care, because I just need to get there....and thankfully it's not that far from where I stand......
Lately I have been secretly writing but today I knew I needed to write something postable.
And this post really started because, as much and as challenging as some of her behaviors have become - the good stuff, like the song she is making up and singing about a zebra and "I meet the lizard" (or something like that) well, these moments are just toooooo good. They are so good and I know they won't last. Today it just struck how much some of things I complain about, I will miss so much when they are gone. Like going to the bathroom, I mean you would think the smells alone would send her running out, not in. But today she had to be near me, so she brought in her colors and paper and laid on the bathroom floor and colored while I um.... Anyways, I know that implies TMI - but in that moment, as nasty as I think laying on the bathroom floor is, I realized.... "One day it is going to gross her out that she did this, and she will never do it again when this age is over." The moment was rare, a visible representation of the closeness, the bond we share. Experiencing the honest reality that she "has to be" so close to me that she would lay on a bathroom floor just to color in my presence, this ain't happening in a year; maybe even a month as she gains grasp of dirty and clean, okay and gross. Oh my, this is cause for celebration, I have something to share with those boyfriends she attempts to bring in my presence, because when I tell her she did this when she is 16 - she is probably going to be completely grossed out, at herself (or at me for allowing it). YES!!!!!
So, I just smile and feel an actually sense of joy over the thought that my daughter loves me, values me, desires to share her life with me. So here I am, loved, valued, important - and then I talk to who I love and value and find most important, my Father, God.
"Sitting at Your feet, is where I want to be. I'm home when I am here with You. Ruined by Your grace, enamored by your gaze. I can't resist the tenderness of You. I'm deep in love with You Abba Father, I'm deep in love with You Lord. My heart it beats for You precious Jesus. I'm deep in love with You Lord." ("Deep in Love with You Lord" - Michael W. Smith)
Honestly, here is my situation, I need to sit at His feet, desiring nothing more than closeness to my Father. Just like E will, one day, not just plop down wherever, whenever; often I have forgotten and not just sat when I needed too; I will miss her and He misses me. So I go to sit, then I realize that where I am to sit is somewhere much dirtier than a bathroom floor. Yet in the same way I know E had no concept of where she was sitting, she sat their joyfully because of who she was with (that was me, go mommy go); so I just need to sit, He is begging me to just sit. He ask me to remove those concerns and concepts of where I should be sitting, and just do it, now, sit now, like right now, at His feet. Then, when I get down there, no matter where "it" ends up being, I know I really won't care, because I just need to get there....and thankfully it's not that far from where I stand......
E and I with the necklace she made me!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Tangled............
Yes, I am referring to the movie. It has been an interesting few weeks to say the least. I feel a mess and Tangled seems like much more than a movie title in our home, it has been daily life both internally and externally.
Mothering E is always an adventure, I seriously feel like it is. I never know what is going to happen daily, between her and I the spontaneousness of our lives is just living one big adventure. We wake up some mornings and just decide that today would be a great zoo day or it would be fun to have a last minute run to the park! I love living this way, its fun, its crazy, it keeps me busy and I need to be busy. Plus being gone means my house also gets to be interesting - like the pile of clothes on the dining table (it's customized and constantly changeable art in my opinion). But in the past 2 weeks the spontaneous nature of our home has been shifted as we spent 2 days at the Dr's office and one afternoon at the hospital. E had a fractured skull and then the next week she got sick - we stayed in - boring.... But now she is obsessed with "Tangled." It has been played everyday for 7 days - I could totally perform it for all of you, and if you ask I might just say YES! I loved Tangled, I am sick of Tangled, I have a feeling I will be watching Tangled tomorrow. I tried to talk her out of it today, but it wasn't happening.
So what type of parent lets their kid talk them into watching a movie everyday, even when they dont want to - the sacrificial kind. I am tooting my own horn, but my ears and mind have been overtaken by a fairy tale - that is sacrifice. The little bit of brain power I have is being consumed by songs, and horseys, and lots of hair.... But I will do it, I will watch it and sing every song with her, dance and watch my 1 year old practically quote it because she has been bound to our home, and so have I. Thankfully yesterday her fever broke, we are on the up-swing. Because of this we randomly decided last night at dinner to pack up and head to the beach after and watch the sunset - it was perfect, spontaneous and a great view! Then tonight, we hopped in the car after church and went to Ritas (E and I were both screaming for ice cream, it was fun).
We are living our days, what we have I am choosing to enjoy. I had a few break downs these past weeks - I barely slept after E hurt her head because of the fear of anything bad happening to her. Then she got sick, and once again I was consumed by fear, those were rough days for me. Circumstance, happenstance, whatever - I have had to face some sadness lately. However, no matter how much sadness could flood my mind at our families loss, at any given moment, I just have to let myself be consumed in living, all while missing them.
I don't know how to write this without being whiny, but I am going for it anyway. Every time I think of what I should be right now, whom I should be holding (both that Cary would be a month old or that I would be 17 weeks pregnant with Eli - although I could not have had both) I still cry - I cry. It happens almost everyday. When I think of living and enjoying E and being her mommy, I smile - I always smile. Emotions tangled together...... Tangled.............................
Mothering E is always an adventure, I seriously feel like it is. I never know what is going to happen daily, between her and I the spontaneousness of our lives is just living one big adventure. We wake up some mornings and just decide that today would be a great zoo day or it would be fun to have a last minute run to the park! I love living this way, its fun, its crazy, it keeps me busy and I need to be busy. Plus being gone means my house also gets to be interesting - like the pile of clothes on the dining table (it's customized and constantly changeable art in my opinion). But in the past 2 weeks the spontaneous nature of our home has been shifted as we spent 2 days at the Dr's office and one afternoon at the hospital. E had a fractured skull and then the next week she got sick - we stayed in - boring.... But now she is obsessed with "Tangled." It has been played everyday for 7 days - I could totally perform it for all of you, and if you ask I might just say YES! I loved Tangled, I am sick of Tangled, I have a feeling I will be watching Tangled tomorrow. I tried to talk her out of it today, but it wasn't happening.
So what type of parent lets their kid talk them into watching a movie everyday, even when they dont want to - the sacrificial kind. I am tooting my own horn, but my ears and mind have been overtaken by a fairy tale - that is sacrifice. The little bit of brain power I have is being consumed by songs, and horseys, and lots of hair.... But I will do it, I will watch it and sing every song with her, dance and watch my 1 year old practically quote it because she has been bound to our home, and so have I. Thankfully yesterday her fever broke, we are on the up-swing. Because of this we randomly decided last night at dinner to pack up and head to the beach after and watch the sunset - it was perfect, spontaneous and a great view! Then tonight, we hopped in the car after church and went to Ritas (E and I were both screaming for ice cream, it was fun).
We are living our days, what we have I am choosing to enjoy. I had a few break downs these past weeks - I barely slept after E hurt her head because of the fear of anything bad happening to her. Then she got sick, and once again I was consumed by fear, those were rough days for me. Circumstance, happenstance, whatever - I have had to face some sadness lately. However, no matter how much sadness could flood my mind at our families loss, at any given moment, I just have to let myself be consumed in living, all while missing them.
I don't know how to write this without being whiny, but I am going for it anyway. Every time I think of what I should be right now, whom I should be holding (both that Cary would be a month old or that I would be 17 weeks pregnant with Eli - although I could not have had both) I still cry - I cry. It happens almost everyday. When I think of living and enjoying E and being her mommy, I smile - I always smile. Emotions tangled together...... Tangled.............................
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Fits and Healing
This post is about E and I. The fits are hers, the healing is mine.
Today started out, well, EARLY. I asked E lay in bed a little longer and just rest (night, night). And even though it was morning, and the sun was just starting to brighten the room, she complied for about 20 minutes (THANK YOU E). In her mind I definitely think she was wondering why she had to lay down when the sun was coming up - because she is a genius child who can put 2 and 2 together (kinda). So this start, I thought that meant a GREAT day to come, that thought lied to me - BIG TIME, or so it seemed in the events to follow.
When she and I finally got up from "resting" a little more, she and I did the morning thing, which I drag myself through. After a diaper change I put on Barney and put her breakfast on her little table with some juice and a puzzle. Momma had a big day planned, I was going to a fancy mall and I wanted to wear some make-up (readers gasp and ask themselves "When is that last time I saw Becca in make-up?"). Thinking this set up would allow me that, I walk the literal 20 steps to the bathroom and thus began the fits. E comes in, guns blazing, wanting to get into everything in the bathroom or get me to come watch Barney with her.
Well since neither of those were good options for attempting to wear make-up, I resolved to continue in the bathroom. She lost it, if I ended her havoc on my cabinets or told her to go to the living room alone, she thrust herself on the floor. Now I know that E is truly the sweetest child, I adore her, I love her with an unswayed, unconditional love, but she was going bonkers. I tried to reason with her, and eventually I was done with my 10 minute task and I came out of the bathroom (looking amazing thank you very much), got her dressed and myself. We moved on, but it set in motion what would continue for a few hours following.
She was indecisive today. Yes, my 1 year old was indecisive today? Strange right? She just could not decide if she was happy or sad, mad or giddy, Barney or Fresh Beat Band........ It was frustrating, but it relates perfectly to how I feel right now - indecisive, happy or sad momma. And E is becoming so much like me. Her mood, her love, her cuddles; they all remind me of how I am. She sees me, she imitates me, she is becoming like me. So who am I and who am I becoming? Who does God want me to become?
Two conversations today molded me a bit more - the realization of who I am and who I need to be for her sake. I need to become more like Jesus, both for her sake and mine.
When God told me to name her Elizabeth - I heard Him loud and clear. I knew it was her name, it means "Consecrated to God" and she is fully that, I recognize that she is fully His. I hope as she grows and understands Him and that she chooses Him back. Her middle name is Asa, which means "Healer."
I believe names are important, they are a reflection of who we are. I especially feel that God knows what our names are; He knows you by name and He knows what that name will mean for His kingdom. However, I always thought of E's name as a benefit to others - that God would use her to heal scars of past loss for our family because she is named after my late Grandmother Elizabeth, I thought God would use her to preach His healing of sins consequence and be His mouthpiece of that healing - I never though her name would mean her...healing me. God knows her name and what her name means. God knew she would play a pivotal role in the healing of her own mother from these loses we have experienced, unforeseen to us when she first came along. She plays a major role in getting through this, I have to care for her, I have to love her, I have to get-up and drag myself through mornings and mourning. Those "have-to's" are a big part of me surviving this. And she is there, there to receive my care and love, and return it with kisses, hugs and cuddles. I feel blessed, even with the loses. I have a gift, more than a daughter, but a Healer who gave me a little healer to hold, and ultimately healed 2 little babies whom I wont. So today started with fits but oh, it got sooooo good. Today she made me laugh, a real laugh. Sometimes we totally fake laugh to make our children laugh (and yes a fake laugh can hold real joy for you and them) but today she made me laugh so hard. I am healing and and that was today..........................
Today started out, well, EARLY. I asked E lay in bed a little longer and just rest (night, night). And even though it was morning, and the sun was just starting to brighten the room, she complied for about 20 minutes (THANK YOU E). In her mind I definitely think she was wondering why she had to lay down when the sun was coming up - because she is a genius child who can put 2 and 2 together (kinda). So this start, I thought that meant a GREAT day to come, that thought lied to me - BIG TIME, or so it seemed in the events to follow.
When she and I finally got up from "resting" a little more, she and I did the morning thing, which I drag myself through. After a diaper change I put on Barney and put her breakfast on her little table with some juice and a puzzle. Momma had a big day planned, I was going to a fancy mall and I wanted to wear some make-up (readers gasp and ask themselves "When is that last time I saw Becca in make-up?"). Thinking this set up would allow me that, I walk the literal 20 steps to the bathroom and thus began the fits. E comes in, guns blazing, wanting to get into everything in the bathroom or get me to come watch Barney with her.
Well since neither of those were good options for attempting to wear make-up, I resolved to continue in the bathroom. She lost it, if I ended her havoc on my cabinets or told her to go to the living room alone, she thrust herself on the floor. Now I know that E is truly the sweetest child, I adore her, I love her with an unswayed, unconditional love, but she was going bonkers. I tried to reason with her, and eventually I was done with my 10 minute task and I came out of the bathroom (looking amazing thank you very much), got her dressed and myself. We moved on, but it set in motion what would continue for a few hours following.
She was indecisive today. Yes, my 1 year old was indecisive today? Strange right? She just could not decide if she was happy or sad, mad or giddy, Barney or Fresh Beat Band........ It was frustrating, but it relates perfectly to how I feel right now - indecisive, happy or sad momma. And E is becoming so much like me. Her mood, her love, her cuddles; they all remind me of how I am. She sees me, she imitates me, she is becoming like me. So who am I and who am I becoming? Who does God want me to become?
Two conversations today molded me a bit more - the realization of who I am and who I need to be for her sake. I need to become more like Jesus, both for her sake and mine.
When God told me to name her Elizabeth - I heard Him loud and clear. I knew it was her name, it means "Consecrated to God" and she is fully that, I recognize that she is fully His. I hope as she grows and understands Him and that she chooses Him back. Her middle name is Asa, which means "Healer."
I believe names are important, they are a reflection of who we are. I especially feel that God knows what our names are; He knows you by name and He knows what that name will mean for His kingdom. However, I always thought of E's name as a benefit to others - that God would use her to heal scars of past loss for our family because she is named after my late Grandmother Elizabeth, I thought God would use her to preach His healing of sins consequence and be His mouthpiece of that healing - I never though her name would mean her...healing me. God knows her name and what her name means. God knew she would play a pivotal role in the healing of her own mother from these loses we have experienced, unforeseen to us when she first came along. She plays a major role in getting through this, I have to care for her, I have to love her, I have to get-up and drag myself through mornings and mourning. Those "have-to's" are a big part of me surviving this. And she is there, there to receive my care and love, and return it with kisses, hugs and cuddles. I feel blessed, even with the loses. I have a gift, more than a daughter, but a Healer who gave me a little healer to hold, and ultimately healed 2 little babies whom I wont. So today started with fits but oh, it got sooooo good. Today she made me laugh, a real laugh. Sometimes we totally fake laugh to make our children laugh (and yes a fake laugh can hold real joy for you and them) but today she made me laugh so hard. I am healing and and that was today..........................
Friday, May 24, 2013
Elizabethisms
A little message from Elizabeth:
kl ffzfggh vj77777777777
\
2 rg ,o .,]]fbjnn n bh n nnn
Right now this is about how I feel, as she is talker that never says much I understand. I am loving this age for that, I love her babbling, and since I have a vivid imagination I always pretend I know exactly what she is talking about.
kl ffzfggh vj77777777777
\
2 rg ,o .,]]fbjnn n bh n nnn
Right now this is about how I feel, as she is talker that never says much I understand. I am loving this age for that, I love her babbling, and since I have a vivid imagination I always pretend I know exactly what she is talking about.
Knowing it is time.....
TODAY: I have been so uneasy in my heart, especially today. I almost can't verbalize to God because I am scared of His response. I know it will be "Yes" I know it will rock my world. I am living in His will, so I know it is time.
RECENTLY: So much fulfillment of His promises have come to be in our lives recently and for me the urgency and details ALL need to be worked out TODAY, but it is not the time for those questions to be answered. I therefore am learning to simply live in the moment He has placed our family in; living in this time, here and now.
"Lord, I am trying my best to trust You in these moments, living now and not for what is in store tomorrow. Basking in the glory You have set before me today, it is enough. It is time to enjoy Your plans now. I rush and rush, but You don't need my rushing Your time. You plan to fulfill your purpose in my life, You know the future and it is not in need of my worry or exhausting myself to reach it sooner. I will be there, knowing it is the right time when I reach it! Today, help me not waste anymore of my time, I wasted a lot in worry, my focus was on everything but what mattered, forgive me for that and help me move past the regret. Work in me Lord. Help me! I need You! Not knowing what else to say, I thank You for this day. It will be a great one because it is Yours! I love you Lord."
Just so you know I practically could not type that because I wanted my eyes to be closed and focus on what I was saying to Him, plus I never type anymore so I am awful now!
In case you (the reader) are oh so curious now, I have to say one thing our family is enjoying this moment and praying to keep enjoying in the future, but ME trying not to rush it. I am pregnant again, due Dec. 27th! So that happened........ Awesome right?
The other recent thing, well, it is in the works for our family, and as to not rush Him, our leader and provider, I will let you in on it very soon!
Love to you all!
-Rebecca, Chase, and Big Sister Elizabeth!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Feeling Frustrated VS. Normal
In the past few days I have been majorly frustrated. That is the truth, I love so many parts of my day. Cuddling with my daughter, nursing, playing, watching her play - but in the midst of all that I get some major irritations. These are completely inner mind games and dissatisfaction from a house that I can't seem to keep clean enough for a crawling baby (OCD perhaps), my new attempts at cooking or baking that didnt PAN out (get it, hahaha), and I have an inclination for what is next in my life. I always want the next thing, not the next best, but the next thing none the less. Things include, I want another baby, a new couch, a new rug, and to rearrange the entire house TODAY EVERYDAY. I literally spent one day last week taking down everything on the walls, patching all the holes and repainting the patch work. I am convinced I am going to put everything back up, but have yet to do so out of contemplation of what to do next. So you see my brain now - crazy right?
Chase and I talk about doing this and that around the house, when another child will become part of this family, what to do after we lose the dogs and these thoughts trickle daily through my mind while I am trying to enjoy what I already have. I just feel like I can't conquer these thoughts, what to do, what to do?
So it not just my mind racing but my physical body too! I am utterly down-in-the-dumps and feel overwhelmed by the tasks that I need to do, all the ones I want to begin, and finish. I have never been good at settling for anything, I put so much pressure on myself to be "good" and never give myself a break for what I have done but terrorize myself for my "to-do" list. I wish I would be able to honestly say" Look at what you have done" not "Ugh, there is so much left to do." It also creates a huge disconnect for me and Elizabeth. I want to be with her, but I have to sweep, do the dishes, cook, and make myself feel accomplished. And then, by the time I have checked off boxes on my mental list, I am exhausted and want a "Mommy Minute." So Mommy Minutes hurt me, they really do because then I think about how much guilt I feel at the time I spend watching TV, or surfing the internet - so much guilt, that is how much. I don't want to miss her childhood, but I am overwhelmed - my mind racing, so much to accomplish, and on top of that "DONT MISS A MOMENT OF HER CHILDHOOD" - how does any mother feel good about herself, if she is like me? I wonder...... I pray.
Everyday I seek to solve this frustrations, and I have yet to figure it out. There is balance somewhere in this mental and physical mess I feel I am in. I know there is plenty of scripture to teach me what to do, I have time to pray, so I do. And unlike other posts I am not posting so resolve I have already had, because I havent really had one yet, I will get back to you soon!
Chase and I talk about doing this and that around the house, when another child will become part of this family, what to do after we lose the dogs and these thoughts trickle daily through my mind while I am trying to enjoy what I already have. I just feel like I can't conquer these thoughts, what to do, what to do?
So it not just my mind racing but my physical body too! I am utterly down-in-the-dumps and feel overwhelmed by the tasks that I need to do, all the ones I want to begin, and finish. I have never been good at settling for anything, I put so much pressure on myself to be "good" and never give myself a break for what I have done but terrorize myself for my "to-do" list. I wish I would be able to honestly say" Look at what you have done" not "Ugh, there is so much left to do." It also creates a huge disconnect for me and Elizabeth. I want to be with her, but I have to sweep, do the dishes, cook, and make myself feel accomplished. And then, by the time I have checked off boxes on my mental list, I am exhausted and want a "Mommy Minute." So Mommy Minutes hurt me, they really do because then I think about how much guilt I feel at the time I spend watching TV, or surfing the internet - so much guilt, that is how much. I don't want to miss her childhood, but I am overwhelmed - my mind racing, so much to accomplish, and on top of that "DONT MISS A MOMENT OF HER CHILDHOOD" - how does any mother feel good about herself, if she is like me? I wonder...... I pray.
Everyday I seek to solve this frustrations, and I have yet to figure it out. There is balance somewhere in this mental and physical mess I feel I am in. I know there is plenty of scripture to teach me what to do, I have time to pray, so I do. And unlike other posts I am not posting so resolve I have already had, because I havent really had one yet, I will get back to you soon!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Walking with God is not about walking with Ease!
The road God takes us on is not always easy.
Christians have a big problem of wanting God on their terms. We want Him to fit into our lives instead of realizing we fit into His will for us. I see so many people who want convenient Christianity. I am so sad, because I am so guilty of this, I am a convenient Christian sometimes. We want our perfect little "cliche" at church and in bible study. We want our friends around us, to do things on our terms instead of His, and for our church to be comfortable for us. We dont want children screaming, big opinions disrupting our own, and people to "rock the boat" because somehow none of those things "we think" can lead us closer to God. But didn't God make himself Sovereign over all things? That including things that bother us and make us uncomfortable. The person that annoys you so much, is not in your church or bible study by accident, that child screaming is purposefully placed there for a reason you dont have to know or understand, and those people rocking the boat may very well be the EXACT people, with the EXACT "rocking" that you need to become closer to God. God is not asking us to fit Him into our lives, He is asking us to remove ourselves from our lives and replace what is gone (aka us) with Him. To walk as He walks, take His steps, and though it is soooooo uncomfortable to do so, it is EXACTLY what we are supposed to do.
Once we have removed our whole self, things should get easier right? I dont think that is right! More hardships will come our way, ones way worse than just someone "rocking the boat." Actually, that really is the challenge on this journey with God. When we are His our expectation of is one of ease as we walk with Him, like we can pray for comfort and think it comes because "It has to." I am not trying to give God less credit, because I KNOW God has the power to instantly instill comfort to us in our time of need without our help, but what if that comfort is supposed to come from the excruciating pain we must first endure. Reasons unknowns, but maybe because if He gave us comfort to soon - we would not learn what we were supposed to. I know that sounds mean, harsh, why would God challenge us like that - doesn't He want me comforted? In fact, doesnt His words say "blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4 - but that is exactly my point! He provides comfort in the midst of what should be challenging, of what is uncomfortable for a time. However, do not feel that your challenges should defeat you - God is merciful to us, He is our Savior. He takes us from the dark, challenging, and seemingly dreadful places. He lift us up. He is our help in our challenges and we never face one moment of each one without Him. My point is, you may suffer or walk in the dark longer than you want to, but never longer than God wants you too. He made you and has purpose in all His does in your life. Remove You and accept Him, it will all be okay, actually better than okay. Hey, lets see what Gods, inspired word says...
Psalm 39: 1 - 8
Psalm 40: 1 - 17
I could go on and on because I LOVE talking and yes, I talk through my posts as if they were conversations, but that is all for tonight. Please add your thoughts and continue sharing scripture and stories of your own if you would like. The challenges we all endure need the encouragement from experiences and solutions God has given us and also the insight to see what His words says about it all. Be honest, honestly......
Christians have a big problem of wanting God on their terms. We want Him to fit into our lives instead of realizing we fit into His will for us. I see so many people who want convenient Christianity. I am so sad, because I am so guilty of this, I am a convenient Christian sometimes. We want our perfect little "cliche" at church and in bible study. We want our friends around us, to do things on our terms instead of His, and for our church to be comfortable for us. We dont want children screaming, big opinions disrupting our own, and people to "rock the boat" because somehow none of those things "we think" can lead us closer to God. But didn't God make himself Sovereign over all things? That including things that bother us and make us uncomfortable. The person that annoys you so much, is not in your church or bible study by accident, that child screaming is purposefully placed there for a reason you dont have to know or understand, and those people rocking the boat may very well be the EXACT people, with the EXACT "rocking" that you need to become closer to God. God is not asking us to fit Him into our lives, He is asking us to remove ourselves from our lives and replace what is gone (aka us) with Him. To walk as He walks, take His steps, and though it is soooooo uncomfortable to do so, it is EXACTLY what we are supposed to do.
Once we have removed our whole self, things should get easier right? I dont think that is right! More hardships will come our way, ones way worse than just someone "rocking the boat." Actually, that really is the challenge on this journey with God. When we are His our expectation of is one of ease as we walk with Him, like we can pray for comfort and think it comes because "It has to." I am not trying to give God less credit, because I KNOW God has the power to instantly instill comfort to us in our time of need without our help, but what if that comfort is supposed to come from the excruciating pain we must first endure. Reasons unknowns, but maybe because if He gave us comfort to soon - we would not learn what we were supposed to. I know that sounds mean, harsh, why would God challenge us like that - doesn't He want me comforted? In fact, doesnt His words say "blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4 - but that is exactly my point! He provides comfort in the midst of what should be challenging, of what is uncomfortable for a time. However, do not feel that your challenges should defeat you - God is merciful to us, He is our Savior. He takes us from the dark, challenging, and seemingly dreadful places. He lift us up. He is our help in our challenges and we never face one moment of each one without Him. My point is, you may suffer or walk in the dark longer than you want to, but never longer than God wants you too. He made you and has purpose in all His does in your life. Remove You and accept Him, it will all be okay, actually better than okay. Hey, lets see what Gods, inspired word says...
Psalm 39: 1 - 8
I said, “I will guard my ways,
Lest I sin with my tongue;
I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle,
While the wicked are before me.”
2 I was mute with silence,
I held my peace even from good;
And my sorrow was stirred up.
3 My heart was hot within me;
While I was musing, the fire burned.
Then I spoke with my tongue:
Lest I sin with my tongue;
I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle,
While the wicked are before me.”
2 I was mute with silence,
I held my peace even from good;
And my sorrow was stirred up.
3 My heart was hot within me;
While I was musing, the fire burned.
Then I spoke with my tongue:
4 “Lord, make me to know my end,
And what is the measure of my days,
That I may know how frail I am.
5 Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my age is as nothing before You;
Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.Selah
6 Surely every man walks about like a shadow;
Surely they busy themselves in vain;
He heaps up riches,
And does not know who will gather them.
And what is the measure of my days,
That I may know how frail I am.
5 Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my age is as nothing before You;
Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.Selah
6 Surely every man walks about like a shadow;
Surely they busy themselves in vain;
He heaps up riches,
And does not know who will gather them.
7 “And now, Lord, what do I wait for?
My hope is in You.
8 Deliver me from all my transgressions;
Do not make me the reproach of the foolish.
My hope is in You.
8 Deliver me from all my transgressions;
Do not make me the reproach of the foolish.
...............................
Psalm 40: 1 - 17
I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3 He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3 He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.
4 Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust,
And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
5 Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered.
And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
5 Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered.
6 Sacrifice and offering You did not desire;
My ears You have opened.
Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require.
7 Then I said, “Behold, I come;
In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
8 I delight to do Your will, O my God,
And Your law is within my heart.”
My ears You have opened.
Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require.
7 Then I said, “Behold, I come;
In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
8 I delight to do Your will, O my God,
And Your law is within my heart.”
9 I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness
In the great assembly;
Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
O Lord, You Yourself know.
10 I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly.
In the great assembly;
Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
O Lord, You Yourself know.
10 I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O Lord;
Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me.
12 For innumerable evils have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
Therefore my heart fails me.
Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me.
12 For innumerable evils have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
Therefore my heart fails me.
13 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me;
O Lord, make haste to help me!
14 Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
Who seek to destroy my life;
Let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor
Who wish me evil.
15 Let them be confounded because of their shame,
Who say to me, “Aha, aha!”
O Lord, make haste to help me!
14 Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
Who seek to destroy my life;
Let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor
Who wish me evil.
15 Let them be confounded because of their shame,
Who say to me, “Aha, aha!”
16 Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You;
Let such as love Your salvation say continually,
“The Lord be magnified!”
17 But I am poor and needy;
Yet the Lord thinks upon me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God.
Let such as love Your salvation say continually,
“The Lord be magnified!”
17 But I am poor and needy;
Yet the Lord thinks upon me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God.
I could go on and on because I LOVE talking and yes, I talk through my posts as if they were conversations, but that is all for tonight. Please add your thoughts and continue sharing scripture and stories of your own if you would like. The challenges we all endure need the encouragement from experiences and solutions God has given us and also the insight to see what His words says about it all. Be honest, honestly......
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