A Mom(ent) of Infinite Wisdom

Epiphany after epiphany and in the moment, I am like "Yes, that is so smart" "Gosh, that was a good one" "I am genius" and then I forget my little nugget of wisdom later. This is why good bloggers - blog daily. In fact I think within those past nuggets were some viral catching stuff - like stuff that would radically change mothers conversations, make a huge wave of change for mommas, and propel me to mommy stardom - but since I can't seem to remember much of what I wanted to write... well, you get this instead... and it ain't much! 

hahaha..

I do have something that is really good, I have one thought and learned moment I can share. A few weeks ago I visited a beautiful church, full of wonderful women, and sat in their class as their leader poured out her heart to us. It was very good, like amazingly good to hear. It was incredibly emotional and being me, ugh.. It just got me. 

So lets back track, since Jackson was born I have called him my "redeeming baby" because I will be honest, some people would view him as a replacement baby - so I just needed to nip that in the bud and give him a proper title for his placement in our family. Redeeming  baby is such a perfect name, but I never, ever went there with it. I had never took time to research what it meant it and never pressed into what his title really is deep in my heart. Until I sat and listened to this teacher. She spoke of what redemption is. Redemption is what heals God wrath against our sin, granted us through Jesus sacrifice on the cross. 

"WHAT!! Yes, that is it - Lord, You had me calling Jackson my redemptive baby because OH MY, his birth healed my wrath against the painful past of losing my children to miscarriage." As pleased as I always was over my children's place in heaven, there was pain. Unwanted pain, that I would never wish on anyone. Unwanted fears over even trying to have another child (one whom I am grateful to know now). In fact, I now realize there was anger in me, anger that said "Why does this have to be our story God" that was only answered by accepting God providence and will for our family. AND... just because I accepted it does not mean I was happy about it, but now on the other side of redemption I can see a little more clearly! The moment was this, remembering Jackson's birth, as if it were a picture in my head. The moment when I first heard Jackson cry and got to touch his flesh with my hands and hold him. That moment was many moments, but I see them as almost still frames in my mind. But right now I am sitting in a room, and as I listen to the teacher talk about what redemption is; the impact of what Jackson's birth was, is overwhelming me. It's a picture full of joy and peace, which only come when you have received the redeeming, granted by our Lord. Holding Jackson I am not harboring my fears anymore, he is here. My anger is evaporated because without the loss, I may never have met this boy whom I cannot imagine my life without. Life would have been different, I would have wanted it, but God providence didn't. Yet, when I met my redemption, I could not have accepted it more, I lovingly embraced it... It came in a tiny baby boy, all 7 lbs 12 oz of him. My wrath healed, and "Lord, I thank you for him. Next to your redeeming grace for my soul and salvation, he is the best redemption I could have ever wanted, but I didnt even know I really needed. Thank You so much."

-Rebecca

Her little eyes are resting!

E sleeping has become one of my favorite times to watch her; mainly because I am exhausted the rest of the day from trying to "watch" her. Lately, the trend of putting her to bed means she is near me, laying in her bed or mine - we talk and she slowly drifts to sleep! The other night I was putting her to bed, she sweetly says "Mommy, I love you" I remind her I love her - she gently closes her eyes and in that moment, as weird as this sounds I saw her 25 year old self. Somehow she looked so grown to me, tears filled my eye, even writing this now I have tears. All of the sudden I wanted to cling to that moment, she is 3, she will be 3 forever, 25 wont come, but it will. I felt it. I wanted time to literally stop. My darling is growing, she is changing, she is little, but not for long enough to satisfy my heart, at least not in that moment. Night after night I look at her, since that moment passed... Some nights she looks like a little girl, clinging to her momma for the attention she needs, as being a big sissy means giving up some of "our" time. Some nights, she is independent and lays in her bed alone, waving bye to me, as if me walking 10 feet requires a good-bye. Some nights, like now, she is laying on my legs as I type - she fell asleep in my presence, just for nearness sake and because she didn't want to be alone in her room. Her little eyes are resting now - and I am watching her. Not in "I'll be watching you" by The Police way, but in a "I am your momma, I love you, I cherish you, I treasure you little, I anticipate you growing, I am holding onto you, I am here, My daughter, My darling, Stay close." and she does, for now!

MotherDaughter

Fact 1: When my armpits stink, they smell exactly like my mothers. Interesting right? More interesting is why I know the smell of my mom armpits, but in fact, tonight I smelled "her" when in fact I was the one stinking.... So this is life of Mothers and Daughters, you absolutely best and worst rolled into one another. Tonight as we were making our way home from E's game, baby is screaming because he hates the car and wants to nurse, E is screaming because well, because she is 3 and that seems to be her norm lately.. Best way to not freak out in a moment like that.. Listen to worship music and say nothing! I win this one, it didn't feel like a win, but I won. I kept my cool, more on that later!

Lately, life has been absolutely, positively, completely... indescribable, and not because it is so good. It's because I cant even begin to explain what is going on. Today my chest was heavy all morning, tears as I was driving around, running errands, seeking the solace of my moms company for lunch. The idea that at any moment, I am going to break, helpless to make a positive change because I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I am a confused mother, frustrated!
How do you help your daughter who is just like you? She IS just like me, should that not make life easy as pie? I mean who knows ME better than ME? (Answer: God). All her fun sassiness, her humor, her extreme energy, she is the me I wish I could be all the time. When it comes her to positive characteristics, E is loving, compassionate, perfectly feisty, friendly, and loves others. I know that God gifted her those things, as He did to me (wow, I sound so vain right now). BUT, she is also the worst of me... I don't want to flaunt our flaws but they begin with a strong will that won't let go. Her likeness to me makes me think I should understand her more, and be more aware and able to handle her behaviors. I tell myself, how would I want someone to deal with me in this situation? What would have worked to help me do better? I come up blank... Or when I come up with some great logic, it is lost on her - because she is 3. I absolutely don't think it's an excuse - she gets plenty of consequences, but they are often ineffective or the effect is extremely short term. Today I was at the end of my ability to deal.. and then the kids are screaming in the car. Losing at this mom thing was on the horizon for me. I have felt so done, I knew I could not give up on my kids, but I was somehow accepting that I could not win! And if I could not win then our future was bleak at best. "Just give me a vacation!!!" was the cry of my head, "I need an out for now, time to regroup!" I am about to lose it - I decide to worship, and like I said I somehow won. Here is why...

Awesome timing on songs always gets me in those moments of utter chaotic insanity. Mandisa's "Overcomer" came on and I remember, vividly, driving to work singing that song in the midst of my heartache over the loss of our children in these past years. Crying tears of sadness, feeling like I would never overcome those trying times, fearing another lost baby. Yet, tonight as I am stressing out, listening to two children literally screaming, suddenly I hear "God is holding you right now" and a feeling of thankfulness swept over me. Thinking that the baby screaming is the baby I longed for while wailing that song out all that time ago, and then the reason my 3 years old is having emotional, transitional issues is because of that very little baby, I have everything I longed for. Never did I picture it like this, it is a much poetic and lovely looking picture in my mind, but none the less I got it all - I didn't give up or give in to the lies and loss then, I won - I overcame, it was really a beautiful perspective. It didn't make the car quieter, but my heart became happier to deal with the situation (aka the shreks of children)! I am not sure that I will feel like winner tomorrow much more than I did in the past days, or that I will "win" every battle with my 3 year old self (hehehe), but I will keep tonight in mind. God equipped me to be a mom, today, yesterday and He will again tomorrow.

2014

To say I am going to get a Christmas card or a New Years card out this year, would be a lie. I think I am learning to not stress doing everything and just realizing I should do what I can. SO here is the letter I love writing, and packing, and stamping every year but not this year - since my hands are full with a new, cherished son!
Chase and I were discussing this past year and we both said, this was just our best year. I hate to classify a best and rate years, but this one was just so good, so changing, so full of love and excitement. I cant help but say - it was a full, wonderful, and yes, our best yet!
In January we made the choice to purchase Disney Passes. At the time we lived so close to Disney, that we knew we would use them often and we did. We had several fun adventures and short, mini vacations scattered through this past year. E grew and changed so much and experiencing the imagination of a child alongside her, brought about many cherished memories. Grammie and Grampie even joined us on several of our trips, which was fun. 4 or more adults chasing around a 2 year old.... Interesting stuff!

 

 



In April, the biggest surprise came just one day after a very rough day. We had to put our beloved Pippy down because she was very sick. Surprisingly the next day we got the best, most wonderful, amazing news came when we found out we were expecting again..... I seriously remember that moment as if I were a by-stander watching myself find out this news. I definitely cried tears of joy, ugly tears, but joyful ones. Chase was in shock, happy shock, but it was a total surprise - one we wanted; but we just were unsure if another pregnancy, and a successful one at that, was in our future - and it WAS because December 16th our son was born. His birth was beautiful. In the surgery room, they were playing Christmas music, and "Silent Night" was ringing in our ears when he arrived. I immediately burst into tears of joy again. The Dr. said "You must be very happy today." I replied a response, truly from the Holy Spirit, because I have never worded parenting like this, but it was a truth that came and impacted my heart and I repeat to E and J now often; I said "I just feel so privileged to be his mom." It took many of the people in the room back, including myself, one nurse seemed as if she as never heard a parent say that and I could tell they all were sharing in our joy.  Chase was humming "Silent Night" to our son as he held him, it was a perfect moment. A truly perfect moment. A delivery nurse later told Chase how nice it was to see parents who cared and loved so much, just taking in the moment with us. E loves being a big sister and has adjusted very well. We are so proud of her!

 

 

 

 

To be honest, this was a big year - E and I traveled to OR to visit family and enjoy a beautiful wedding! While there, we made some amazing memories, such as my grandparents being able to be with all their Great-Grandchildren. It was a time that will always stay close my heart and I hope more time with West Coast family will be more frequent in the years to come.

 

Then, following up the week of vacation, I returned to news that Chase had been offered a job in the Panhandle. He asked if he could accept it, and after talking about it, we decided it was the right move for us, so we could be closer to family. Chases job has been good to him and I also found a new job I love at a local clothing and dress boutique. It all happened very fast, and it was so hard to leave Clearwater and our family there, we still miss it and each person in our lives there. However, we have enjoyed living closer to family and giving E the chance to get to know her grandparents and especially her great-great grandmother (Granny), who lives close by for visits. In fact, one of my favorite memories of the two of them, happened just a month after moving here. She bonded so quickly to her Granny, that when we attended a family wedding here in the area, the second she saw her Granny, E immediately ran up to her and reached over her walker to hug her. Seeing that reminded me the blessing of living close and helping E gather cherished memories of her Granny. Granny turned 95 this year, so we are so grateful to have this time with her. 



 

Other highlights included:

The funnest, best, baby celebration ever in Clearwater.

 

Joining a new church with our family!!

E starting school and meeting lots of new friends!!! (Her, Chase, and I)



 

Celebrating E's birthday!

 

And kinda meeting Santa....

 





 

This was a special year. A very special one... And E began to understand how generous and loving the Lord is to send Jesus to earth to be our Savior. I was grateful that she understood that Jesus came, and that was why we celebrated Christmas. She has begun to learn scripture verses and loves reading. Chase and I truly are privileged to be parents to E and now J. I am grateful, celebrating a gracious, loving year given from our Lord!

 

 

All our love,

Chase, Rebecca, Elizabeth and Jackson

 

The Faith Post

So this post is long overdue and literally a little over a year ago, I wrote a similar post with similar circumstances just for God to tell us NO! Last years post was about God fulfilling promises to our family, but promises that were not fulfilled my way but His way. Last year I was so excited to share about expecting a child God had promised to me in prayer, and He gave me that child for almost 12 weeks - I see blessings over that whole experience with Eli and I have grown and my heart has expanded because of that pregnancy and personal tragedy. I posted that one other blessing was coming but I did not share what it was - I am glad I didn't because God never granted PEACE over it, but now I will tell you - it was a job offer Chase planned to accept in Pensacola, but ended up turning down the position! All those things ended the same week. God purposed us to stay and so He began the process of fulfilling that promise of one day moving home to family but it wasn't time.... It is now, months ago Chase told me his desire for us to move home I said "No way, I am pregnant (oh, by the way I am 18 weeks pregnant!!!!! EKKK!) and this is not the time to move." I said I would consider it in another year and half. But soon after I realized I was wrong, God stated violently working in my heart and I literally had a pregnancy induced, emotional, crying and calling mommy day where I finally faced the truth, that the desire Chase had to move was from God and that is was the right time to pursue moving home. Within weeks we were prepping our home to sell and soon it will be listed and started sending our resumes to local courses and stadiums for employment opportunities. With all the unknowns one would think we felt uneasy, but God gave us complete peace in this decision, I am assured constantly that this move is His will. Anyways, God moving us... That is happening and here is how He has proven Himself Lord again in our lives. Chase called and asked around, but no jobs were available, so we figured our home would go up for sale and we would just wait out a job as best we could. I prayed one day and said "God how is this going to happen, what if things don't fall in place" His response in the depth of my heart was "Can't you let me WOW you?" I said "Yes, You can WOW me." I shared this with Chase and then waited, so sure of what was coming and still no earthly answers. But the weekend before we signed all the paperwork to list the home God called, in the form of a Country Club in the Pensacola area - and offered Chase a job, it was humbling and still is... But God gives glory to the humble - I can't wait to see what His glory is all about at this new job and location. I already feel He is using us, it feels weird because I haven't even done anything there yet, but I feel it coming, like ministry coming at me! Leaving our current home and created family here is going to be the rough part, I never imagined this day would come so quickly and I pray constantly that God helps me balance the flesh of my desire to love this place with His ability to let me love this place, yet accept His purpose in us leaving. The Faith Post, it is all about to happen but it is not done and until then we live in the faith of what is coming. Tonight I prayed at work and said this "God, You have granted so much peace over this move, it is not the time now to start doubting - I trust You with this move." and I do. He has the details, I just have to get there, one faithful step at a time.

Oh, and on Monday we have our ultrasound and after that I will post the story of this child - she is pretty special. Unless the she is a he, then he is pretty special, but more on that later!

Christmas Letters...An intended post for Christmas, but something I have wanted to share.....

Written Sept 8, 2013

Tonight I was reading Misty's blog (carryinganna.wordpress.com) and she had uploaded her Christmas letter in Dec and in March, well, I cant even believe that Annas birthday has already come and gone. I hold her in such high esteem because of all she has endured, and how she endured it. Then I also read about Sophie, born Sept. 1 to Lindsay and Kevin, and their inspiring faith. Faith I know I have, not even having walked through what they have. Their feet must hurt, those steps, they just seem unbearable. Okay, all the tears flowing, my eyes are swollen. But Christmas letters came to mind and I went and re-read ours from last year. I started wording ours for this year - the fact our baby Eli was due to be a Christmas baby, and our June baby Cary was mentioned - losing Eli the same week Cary was due, it was so rough. How will I share this again, how will I write this year. I think it will be something like:
So this is Christmas, what have you done, another year over and a new one just begun. I thought this Christmas I would be packed up to go to the hospital, praying off delivering on Dec 25th, hoping this time the baby would wait for his due date, Dec. 27th. If not, I told Chase we would celebrate at the hospital with Elizabeth, and I wanted a tree in the room (not sure if I told him that but I thought about it often). I had told the Dr's that I was sorry in advance if they were working Christmas on account of me, they laughed and said it would be fine, they would not be mad - it happens. I loved the promise of a Christmas baby, like he was more like Jesus, because to me (though I know it was not Jesus ACTUAL birthday) they shared a day of celebration (see how I worded that... go me). I thought I would have him before the due date and in my mind I did see that hospital Christmas - I was so happy about it. Those dreams are gone, my reality is an at home celebration, but we might just have to vacay because I think this year it going to be hard, really hard. The joy of Jesus upon us, I will smile and celebrate Him, I will even celebrate what He has done for us, but I will be sad. This Christmas wont be what I thought it should be, and that wont change. Thankfully this Christmas will be a greater reminder of what it meant to have Jesus come to earth at all. The salvation that could only come from His choice to leave heaven and meet us here, on earth. My children have already benefited from that gift - I wait for the inheritance part along with Chase and E and right now, I dont mind waiting. One more year, one more baby.
How do you write a letter like this, its a good thing I have time.

Other thoughts, E turns 2 in 11 days - WHAT!!!! Where did 2 years plus pregnancy go? I am not sure, I love her so much! I pray for her, the life God has given her to last and be fulfilling for her (selfishly for me as well). We pray off Satan for our children so often, and in Gods name I know he cannot have power here. God protect Elizabeth - thank You for Your mercies Lord, Father, Jesus. Anyways, I just cant believe she will be two!!!

Thoughts:
It is hard seeing pregnant ladies, really hard. I dont like it - I am still happy for them, but when you think of how you should look and you dont - its hard.
I dont know how I can ever get pregnant again - because I fear it, fear the loss that could be, that God could potentially desire that I lose another child. Knowing that His will could be that I have another child I could not keep (like Anna and Sophie) because "I know You trust me God, You have already given me so much to share, and I trust you with my life and my children's lives, but I am not ready right now. I feel like what You want for me and to hone in me to may require more loss; what this is and it may not be what I think, the outcome is Yours alone. You may want me to step out in faith despite the outcome (and I know this is true) but I am not ready, it's to much right now. Please grant me patience or in Your power and holiness lead me toward what is best. My Lord intervene in an unexpected way."