Fits and Healing

This post is about E and I. The fits are hers, the healing is mine.
Today started out, well, EARLY. I asked E lay in bed a little longer and just rest (night, night). And even though it was morning, and the sun was just starting to brighten the room, she complied for about 20 minutes (THANK YOU E). In her mind I definitely think she was wondering why she had to lay down when the sun was coming up - because she is a genius child who can put 2 and 2 together (kinda). So this start, I thought that meant a GREAT day to come, that thought lied to me - BIG TIME, or so it seemed in the events to follow.
When she and I finally got up from "resting" a little more, she and I did the morning thing, which I drag myself through. After a diaper change I put on Barney and put her breakfast on her little table with some juice and a puzzle. Momma had a big day planned, I was going to a fancy mall and I wanted to wear some make-up (readers gasp and ask themselves "When is that last time I saw Becca in make-up?"). Thinking this set up would allow me that, I walk the literal 20 steps to the bathroom and thus began the fits. E comes in, guns blazing, wanting to get into everything in the bathroom or get me to come watch Barney with her.
Well since neither of those were good options for attempting to wear make-up, I resolved to continue in the bathroom. She lost it, if I ended her havoc on my cabinets or told her to go to the living room alone, she thrust herself on the floor. Now I know that E is truly the sweetest child, I adore her, I love her with an unswayed, unconditional love, but she was going bonkers. I tried to reason with her, and eventually I was done with my 10 minute task and I came out of the bathroom (looking amazing thank you very much), got her dressed and myself. We moved on, but it set in motion what would continue for a few hours following.
She was indecisive today. Yes, my 1 year old was indecisive today? Strange right? She just could not decide if she was happy or sad, mad or giddy, Barney or Fresh Beat Band........ It was frustrating, but it relates perfectly to how I feel right now - indecisive, happy or sad momma. And E is becoming so much like me. Her mood, her love, her cuddles; they all remind me of how I am. She sees me, she imitates me, she is becoming like me. So who am I and who am I becoming? Who does God want me to become?
Two conversations today molded me a bit more - the realization of who I am and who I need to be for her sake. I need to become more like Jesus, both for her sake and mine.
When God told me to name her Elizabeth - I heard Him loud and clear. I knew it was her name, it means "Consecrated to God" and she is fully that, I recognize that she is fully His. I hope as she grows and understands Him and that she chooses Him back. Her middle name is Asa, which means "Healer."
I believe names are important, they are a reflection of who we are. I especially feel that God knows what our names are; He knows you by name and He knows what that name will mean for His kingdom. However, I always thought of E's name as a benefit to others - that God would use her to heal scars of past loss for our family because she is named after my late Grandmother Elizabeth, I thought God would use her to preach His healing of sins consequence and be His mouthpiece of that healing - I never though her name would mean her...healing me. God knows her name and what her name means. God knew she would play a pivotal role in the healing of her own mother from these loses we have experienced, unforeseen to us when she first came along. She plays a major role in getting through this, I have to care for her, I have to love her,  I have to get-up and drag myself through mornings and mourning. Those "have-to's" are a big part of me surviving this. And she is there, there to receive my care and love, and return it with kisses, hugs and cuddles. I feel blessed, even with the loses. I have a gift, more than a daughter, but a Healer who gave me a little healer to hold, and ultimately healed 2 little babies whom I wont. So today started with fits but oh, it got sooooo good. Today she made me laugh, a real laugh. Sometimes we totally fake laugh to make our children laugh (and yes a fake laugh can hold real joy for you and them) but today she made me laugh so hard. I am healing and and that was today..........................