A Mom(ent) of Infinite Wisdom

Epiphany after epiphany and in the moment, I am like "Yes, that is so smart" "Gosh, that was a good one" "I am genius" and then I forget my little nugget of wisdom later. This is why good bloggers - blog daily. In fact I think within those past nuggets were some viral catching stuff - like stuff that would radically change mothers conversations, make a huge wave of change for mommas, and propel me to mommy stardom - but since I can't seem to remember much of what I wanted to write... well, you get this instead... and it ain't much! 

hahaha..

I do have something that is really good, I have one thought and learned moment I can share. A few weeks ago I visited a beautiful church, full of wonderful women, and sat in their class as their leader poured out her heart to us. It was very good, like amazingly good to hear. It was incredibly emotional and being me, ugh.. It just got me. 

So lets back track, since Jackson was born I have called him my "redeeming baby" because I will be honest, some people would view him as a replacement baby - so I just needed to nip that in the bud and give him a proper title for his placement in our family. Redeeming  baby is such a perfect name, but I never, ever went there with it. I had never took time to research what it meant it and never pressed into what his title really is deep in my heart. Until I sat and listened to this teacher. She spoke of what redemption is. Redemption is what heals God wrath against our sin, granted us through Jesus sacrifice on the cross. 

"WHAT!! Yes, that is it - Lord, You had me calling Jackson my redemptive baby because OH MY, his birth healed my wrath against the painful past of losing my children to miscarriage." As pleased as I always was over my children's place in heaven, there was pain. Unwanted pain, that I would never wish on anyone. Unwanted fears over even trying to have another child (one whom I am grateful to know now). In fact, I now realize there was anger in me, anger that said "Why does this have to be our story God" that was only answered by accepting God providence and will for our family. AND... just because I accepted it does not mean I was happy about it, but now on the other side of redemption I can see a little more clearly! The moment was this, remembering Jackson's birth, as if it were a picture in my head. The moment when I first heard Jackson cry and got to touch his flesh with my hands and hold him. That moment was many moments, but I see them as almost still frames in my mind. But right now I am sitting in a room, and as I listen to the teacher talk about what redemption is; the impact of what Jackson's birth was, is overwhelming me. It's a picture full of joy and peace, which only come when you have received the redeeming, granted by our Lord. Holding Jackson I am not harboring my fears anymore, he is here. My anger is evaporated because without the loss, I may never have met this boy whom I cannot imagine my life without. Life would have been different, I would have wanted it, but God providence didn't. Yet, when I met my redemption, I could not have accepted it more, I lovingly embraced it... It came in a tiny baby boy, all 7 lbs 12 oz of him. My wrath healed, and "Lord, I thank you for him. Next to your redeeming grace for my soul and salvation, he is the best redemption I could have ever wanted, but I didnt even know I really needed. Thank You so much."

-Rebecca

MotherDaughter

Fact 1: When my armpits stink, they smell exactly like my mothers. Interesting right? More interesting is why I know the smell of my mom armpits, but in fact, tonight I smelled "her" when in fact I was the one stinking.... So this is life of Mothers and Daughters, you absolutely best and worst rolled into one another. Tonight as we were making our way home from E's game, baby is screaming because he hates the car and wants to nurse, E is screaming because well, because she is 3 and that seems to be her norm lately.. Best way to not freak out in a moment like that.. Listen to worship music and say nothing! I win this one, it didn't feel like a win, but I won. I kept my cool, more on that later!

Lately, life has been absolutely, positively, completely... indescribable, and not because it is so good. It's because I cant even begin to explain what is going on. Today my chest was heavy all morning, tears as I was driving around, running errands, seeking the solace of my moms company for lunch. The idea that at any moment, I am going to break, helpless to make a positive change because I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I am a confused mother, frustrated!
How do you help your daughter who is just like you? She IS just like me, should that not make life easy as pie? I mean who knows ME better than ME? (Answer: God). All her fun sassiness, her humor, her extreme energy, she is the me I wish I could be all the time. When it comes her to positive characteristics, E is loving, compassionate, perfectly feisty, friendly, and loves others. I know that God gifted her those things, as He did to me (wow, I sound so vain right now). BUT, she is also the worst of me... I don't want to flaunt our flaws but they begin with a strong will that won't let go. Her likeness to me makes me think I should understand her more, and be more aware and able to handle her behaviors. I tell myself, how would I want someone to deal with me in this situation? What would have worked to help me do better? I come up blank... Or when I come up with some great logic, it is lost on her - because she is 3. I absolutely don't think it's an excuse - she gets plenty of consequences, but they are often ineffective or the effect is extremely short term. Today I was at the end of my ability to deal.. and then the kids are screaming in the car. Losing at this mom thing was on the horizon for me. I have felt so done, I knew I could not give up on my kids, but I was somehow accepting that I could not win! And if I could not win then our future was bleak at best. "Just give me a vacation!!!" was the cry of my head, "I need an out for now, time to regroup!" I am about to lose it - I decide to worship, and like I said I somehow won. Here is why...

Awesome timing on songs always gets me in those moments of utter chaotic insanity. Mandisa's "Overcomer" came on and I remember, vividly, driving to work singing that song in the midst of my heartache over the loss of our children in these past years. Crying tears of sadness, feeling like I would never overcome those trying times, fearing another lost baby. Yet, tonight as I am stressing out, listening to two children literally screaming, suddenly I hear "God is holding you right now" and a feeling of thankfulness swept over me. Thinking that the baby screaming is the baby I longed for while wailing that song out all that time ago, and then the reason my 3 years old is having emotional, transitional issues is because of that very little baby, I have everything I longed for. Never did I picture it like this, it is a much poetic and lovely looking picture in my mind, but none the less I got it all - I didn't give up or give in to the lies and loss then, I won - I overcame, it was really a beautiful perspective. It didn't make the car quieter, but my heart became happier to deal with the situation (aka the shreks of children)! I am not sure that I will feel like winner tomorrow much more than I did in the past days, or that I will "win" every battle with my 3 year old self (hehehe), but I will keep tonight in mind. God equipped me to be a mom, today, yesterday and He will again tomorrow.