Written Sept 8, 2013
Tonight I was reading Misty's blog (carryinganna.wordpress.com) and she had uploaded her Christmas letter in Dec and in March, well, I cant even believe that Annas birthday has already come and gone. I hold her in such high esteem because of all she has endured, and how she endured it. Then I also read about Sophie, born Sept. 1 to Lindsay and Kevin, and their inspiring faith. Faith I know I have, not even having walked through what they have. Their feet must hurt, those steps, they just seem unbearable. Okay, all the tears flowing, my eyes are swollen. But Christmas letters came to mind and I went and re-read ours from last year. I started wording ours for this year - the fact our baby Eli was due to be a Christmas baby, and our June baby Cary was mentioned - losing Eli the same week Cary was due, it was so rough. How will I share this again, how will I write this year. I think it will be something like:
So this is Christmas, what have you done, another year over and a new one just begun. I thought this Christmas I would be packed up to go to the hospital, praying off delivering on Dec 25th, hoping this time the baby would wait for his due date, Dec. 27th. If not, I told Chase we would celebrate at the hospital with Elizabeth, and I wanted a tree in the room (not sure if I told him that but I thought about it often). I had told the Dr's that I was sorry in advance if they were working Christmas on account of me, they laughed and said it would be fine, they would not be mad - it happens. I loved the promise of a Christmas baby, like he was more like Jesus, because to me (though I know it was not Jesus ACTUAL birthday) they shared a day of celebration (see how I worded that... go me). I thought I would have him before the due date and in my mind I did see that hospital Christmas - I was so happy about it. Those dreams are gone, my reality is an at home celebration, but we might just have to vacay because I think this year it going to be hard, really hard. The joy of Jesus upon us, I will smile and celebrate Him, I will even celebrate what He has done for us, but I will be sad. This Christmas wont be what I thought it should be, and that wont change. Thankfully this Christmas will be a greater reminder of what it meant to have Jesus come to earth at all. The salvation that could only come from His choice to leave heaven and meet us here, on earth. My children have already benefited from that gift - I wait for the inheritance part along with Chase and E and right now, I dont mind waiting. One more year, one more baby.
How do you write a letter like this, its a good thing I have time.
Other thoughts, E turns 2 in 11 days - WHAT!!!! Where did 2 years plus pregnancy go? I am not sure, I love her so much! I pray for her, the life God has given her to last and be fulfilling for her (selfishly for me as well). We pray off Satan for our children so often, and in Gods name I know he cannot have power here. God protect Elizabeth - thank You for Your mercies Lord, Father, Jesus. Anyways, I just cant believe she will be two!!!
Thoughts:
It is hard seeing pregnant ladies, really hard. I dont like it - I am still happy for them, but when you think of how you should look and you dont - its hard.
I dont know how I can ever get pregnant again - because I fear it, fear the loss that could be, that God could potentially desire that I lose another child. Knowing that His will could be that I have another child I could not keep (like Anna and Sophie) because "I know You trust me God, You have already given me so much to share, and I trust you with my life and my children's lives, but I am not ready right now. I feel like what You want for me and to hone in me to may require more loss; what this is and it may not be what I think, the outcome is Yours alone. You may want me to step out in faith despite the outcome (and I know this is true) but I am not ready, it's to much right now. Please grant me patience or in Your power and holiness lead me toward what is best. My Lord intervene in an unexpected way."
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