Some Truths

These days are still hard, my emotions are not always in check. I have been making little notes here and there about God and His ways for our family. Things about His truths for our lives and I just want you to know, this post is much more preachy, but there is emotion behind these words. There is a Momma just trying to "survive" and glean the good stuff. I have to have something better to live for then the pain in my heart. After I initially posted this I read it again and I felt like it was cold, but when I wrote it tears welled up in eyes often, then I realized my preachyness.... But I want to let you know I am healing, this is a healing post. I haven't posted everyday or even written things as deep as the words that came directly after the blow. You can only recount so many similar, painful thoughts so much because most of the pain just hurts, hurts as it did each day before. But I can learn and I can share what I have learned so here it is.......

Some truths have come from our loss this time:
One of the main ones being able to realize the value of vulnerability. The night I posted my very personal journaling from this experience, I literally felt I would throw up. I know that is not a pretty or appetizing thought, but my stomach was in knots. I felt the urging of the Holy Spirit, knowing it was time to share what He was walking me through, but I was not ready - He was, so I did. I felt absolutely fearful of not being accepted, sounding whiny or helpless. The responses, both public and private have been so encouraging, allowing me to realize that being vulnerable doesn't mean you will be shot down, but very much that people needed me to be open, some needed to hear that God is a God who doesn't fear the path that is loss, and is scary, and nothing that we would trek down by choice. He is God that doesn't care how badly satan attacked us because of our circumstance, He is with us, He knows what it takes to Heal us.Chase told me he was happy to hear me laughing today, I have been laughing a lot more.

Another big truth has been figuring out why I am grieving. Okay the answer seems obvious I know "Becca, you just lost two babies in 8 months, reason to grieve? I think yes." But in truth I am very distant from grieving their lack of presence with me, because they are present with their Father. Eli has ascended to make his presence known to his Father. Cary has been carried to Love, the best Love she could ever know. I am in tears writing this, but I rejoice because they are whole. Their battle is over, and it was victorious - they won. What satan would use for evil against me, the grief I feel from our loss, was VICTORY for them. It was a victory I hated in the early days of this, but each day I love it a little bit more. And me, I will survive this. I will...... But I grieve, I grieve the loss of the person who was their mother - the person I anticipated becoming in their days with me. I definitely miss the thought of a having a newborn to hold and this hurts, this loss hurts. I wanted E to know she was a big sissy, but she doesn't she is unaware. I always have wanted a BIG family and after the first miscarriage I was ready to try again, have the children I always  wanted - just one after the other. Its becoming hard for us now, some times I fear this challenge; other times I realize He is just allowing this challenge for His benefit and glory - that others would see that no matter how hard life gets, and how much satan seeks to ruin and destroy a person because of it, God has not abandon me and I will not retreat from His side. I know He is walking closely with me. The words I wrote shortly after losing Cary have been wandering in my mind often:

"God prepared me, my entire life, to deal with exactly what He has given me and in this case taken from me. The closeness I have with Him, I cherish it, that bond exists to help me through the trials He has sent me to. In comparison to some, my loss is small, but God purposed my life to be here now, and I am not hopeless. I am redeemed."

I have been saying this, my daily quote "I will survive this!"

The above truth has led to some thoughts I have always known but the gravity of them has set in. One is that Chase and I are very blessed to have two children who know the truth and sit with Him daily, they are home; but we hold a great responsibility to lead E to that truth. The war is still raging for her soul and I determined to battle it out for Gods victory. But God knows her future, trusting Him each step, listening to His words, following Him closely so she sees Him in my life - what a great responsibility - I want to see all my children at His feet, humbled in His presence. Did I know I had this responsibility? Yes, but to understand that I have children experiencing Him already, makes me want it so much more for E as well. Speaking of sitting at His feet, in His presence. I have come to realize how great His love is because I was searching for a memento to speak to this journey and kind of have something tangible to cling to, as I strive to share this story. So I was looking at those hand-stamped necklaces and I found one I really liked - it had a charm on it that said "Love you more" and then you could personalize charms with your children's names, I wanted one for E, Cary, and Eli. I started to put the order together and God struck me "That necklace isn't right? It isn't true. You don't love them more." I started thinking on that thought, I knew what God was clearly telling me. My children in heaven have experienced perfect love and know how to love perfectly. I, though I know how to love, and love a lot, I have only been given perfect love from the Father, never have I loved anyone perfectly. It would be impossible for me to love them more, I don't know how. It again brings the water works when I think of that, for all the reasons it should - but I loved knowing that. So I found a much more appropriate and TRUE charm - its says Psalm 23 - and that is His truth!!!