It was for me!

So I have been meaning to just sit down and write this, it started Sunday, well days before as I realized this week was happening. The week that one year ago changed my life - Sunday was October 20, I almost got through the whole day without thinking about it. However that day, well I won't be forgetting it anytime soon. I wrote to E that night and it felt good to examine the year we have had, re-read things I had written, weirdly having an anniversary and realizing the exact amount of days that have passed feels like an accomplishment - I don't know why really, it just does. Most interestingly was being in church that morning, the same place as morning after we lost Cary - I craved church that morning a year ago, thinking "If my baby is worshiping Jesus right now, I should be too." I cried almost the entire service that morning. I would say to that point it was the roughest day of my life, but I was in the perfect place to have such a rough day. That morning was for me. So Sunday, this past Sunday, we got to church and yall would not believe the sermon theme "Moving forward from a broken past" I just could not believe it, how broken this year has felt to me - and moving forward is definitely not the same as moving on, right? Perfect words for me. So in true Becca fashion, I begin taking crazy amounts of notes and then just stop and write "It was for me." This sermon was mine, I don't mean to selfishly take something that touched others, but God could have taught many of the others in that room this lesson next week, but He didn't, He taught it on October 20 - my date, my suffering date.
This circumstance and all the life that happened before and to now, this date, it was for me. All this faith that has built day after day and year after year, simply to prepare me to live this life for Him, it was for me. I praise Him for all of this, the life, preparation of faith and this suffering, its mine, it was meant for me. I am not serving a passive God who somehow missed stopping this pain in my life, He was there - I knew He was, I know He is - and this pain is for me. When I ask "Was this for me Lord?" I know His answer is yes! And day by day it is easier to accept....
"Rebecca, I have searched you and I know you. I know when you sit and when you rise. I perceive all your thoughts from afar. I discern your going out and your lying down; and am familiar with all your ways. Before a word is on your tongue I know it completely. I have hemed you in behind and I lay my hand upon you. Such knowledge is to wonderful for you, to lofty for you to attain. Where could you go from My Spirit? Where could you flee from My presence? If you go to the heavens, I am there. If you made your bed in the depths, I am there. If you rose of the wings of the dawn, or settled on the far side of the sea, even there My hand will guide you, My right hand will hold you up. If you say "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to Me; the night will shine like the day for the darkness is light to Me. For I created you, your inmost being; I knit you together in your mothers womb. Praise Me, the Lord your God, because I made you fearfully (with reverence) and wonderfully; and you know My works are wonderful. You were not hidden from me, when I made you in the secret place, when I wove your together in the depths of the earth. I saw your unformed body; all the days I planned for you were written in My book before one of them came to be. How precious are my thoughts toward you, Rebecca! How vast is the sum of them! Were you to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand - when you are awake, I am still with you.... " A very personalized Psalm 139

"Lord, thank You for knowing me, creating me, and giving me Your truth. I feel honored to know it, I feel honored to carry it despite circumstances that are always changing and often challenging me lately. This year has been hard, I know You have been and are here, You see it. I acknowledge Your power over all of this, and yet also Your sovereignty. God thank you for making a sermon for me, thank you for knowing what I needed to hear on a very specific day You gave to me. I didn't like the thought of October 20 at all, but I realize that day was for me. I look forward to the days coming, because I know You - and I trust You with them all. The easy ones and the hardest ones. I love you Lord"

Moments until you are 2!

Elizabeth, this post will be brief, you turn 2 in 10 minutes. In 10 minutes you move from baby to a true toddler, though I already see you as such, now airlines and some amusement parks will also see you this way. I can't imagine telling people you are 2, you are my baby, I just can't see beyond this, now 9 minutes. I can see past the memories of the these almost 2 years (8 minutes). You amaze me, you are incredible and so intelligent, what will tomorrow bring? Will you grow an inch tomorrow, probably not, but there will be a change and it won't be a visible one, but I will feel different in 7 minutes, I just know it. So here I sit, anxious for what is about to come, you are my angel, my safe space so many days. Today you were so cuddly and I just know those years between cuddles and personal space are coming - and those years are going to pass as quickly as the past 2 have. I wait, its 6 minutes now. I feel sick. I don't want to say goodbye to these years - these baby years. The years that have taken people back, that someone so young could be so talkative, and count, and identify letter and colors and animals - will be people be as surprised when I tell them you are 2 and not 1 any longer. I have held on to 1, like I am holding to these last 4 minutes I have. Daddy is over here snoring and 2 years ago about this time, he was doing just the same, prepping for your arrival by being well rested, me not so much, I was up, like I am now. I was just waiting for what was to come, like these last 3 minutes are coming. What should I write that can't wait another moment, that I love you so much, that you are the light that sparks my heart. You have blessed me beyond expectation, you are Elizabeth! I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you..... One minute.........

When you look at heaven!

Elizabeth, when you look at Heaven and "Hi Jesus," I am blown away. Your memory of Him is so clear, and you simply greet Him. It makes me wonder, in your innocence, if are you experiencing Him in a more honest way than even me. Do you remember Him? Is He like a person you can talk to, because I know He is, but I wonder what you know. You randomly start singing "Jesus loves me" and I think in all honestly, you get it. At some point, it feels like more than I have taught you, I may have taught you the song, the phrase, the name, but today - you looked up and said "Hi Jesus" all on your own, I wish I understood how much you are grasping from talking with Him. And maybe in my heart, I am building this into to much, but nah.... God is setting a foundation for you, I am happy to be part of it. He wants you to know His son, like He has let me know Him. Oh and you so quickly rush to speak with Him; what I love most is that nothing was holding you back. Mommy often approaches God so cautiously because I may have stumbled that day and my heart just doesn't "seem" clean enough to talk with Him. So I hesitate, because I fear the consciousness I have of my sin before Him, but I will talk to Him anyway. I will remove my own guilt and approach the One, the forgiver, the One, the lover, the One grace giver. So here I go.... "Hi Jesus, can I talk to you as innocently as my 1 year old?" and I know His reply is "Yes."

Just a little note: I taught Elizabeth all of those things about Jesus, His name, where He dwells, and who is with Him in heaven (God, Cary and Eli). She is so sweet, she looks up and for a week it has been simply "Hi Jesus" and then today she followed it with "Hi Cary, Hi Eli." Tears welled up in my eyes, I responded to her greeting "Just tell them that you love them and miss them." She then continues to look up and says "I love you, I miss you" oh, mommy and does too...... I really do.

Not a long way down!

This will not be an easy to post to write, not emotionally, but actually. Elizabeth is touching my stomach and yelling "belly, belly, belly" and then tapping it as it jiggles, and yes, I just shared that with all of you, lucky. She also has a bucket of toys dumped onto her lap and get frustrated with them if they don't behave just right, so right now they aren't. Well, super mommy to the rescue, the toys obey me and then all is made right in the world.... She is happy once again.
Lately I have been secretly writing but today I knew I needed to write something postable.
And this post really started because, as much and as challenging as some of her behaviors have become - the good stuff, like the song she is making up and singing about a zebra and "I meet the lizard" (or something like that) well, these moments are just toooooo good. They are so good and I know they won't last. Today it just struck how much some of things I complain about, I will miss so much when they are gone. Like going to the bathroom, I mean you would think the smells alone would send her running out, not in. But today she had to be near me, so she brought in her colors and paper and laid on the bathroom floor and colored while I um.... Anyways, I know that implies TMI - but in that moment, as nasty as I think laying on the bathroom floor is, I realized.... "One day it is going to gross her out that she did this, and she will never do it again when this age is over." The moment was rare, a visible representation of the closeness, the bond we share. Experiencing the honest reality that she "has to be" so close to me that she would lay on a bathroom floor just to color in my presence, this ain't happening in a year; maybe even a month as she gains grasp of dirty and clean, okay and gross. Oh my, this is cause for celebration, I have something to share with those boyfriends she attempts to bring in my presence, because when I tell her she did this when she is 16 - she is probably going to be completely grossed out, at herself (or at me for allowing it). YES!!!!!
So, I just smile and feel an actually sense of joy over the thought that my daughter loves me, values me, desires to share her life with me. So here I am, loved, valued, important - and then I talk to who I love and value and find most important, my Father, God.
"Sitting at Your feet, is where I want to be. I'm home when I am here with You. Ruined by Your grace, enamored by your gaze. I can't resist the tenderness of You. I'm deep in love with You Abba Father, I'm deep in love with You Lord. My heart it beats for You precious Jesus. I'm deep in love with You Lord." ("Deep in Love with You Lord" - Michael W. Smith)
Honestly, here is my situation, I need to sit at His feet, desiring nothing more than closeness to my Father. Just like E will, one day, not just plop down wherever, whenever; often I have forgotten and not just sat when I needed too; I will miss her and He misses me. So I  go to sit, then I realize that where I am to sit is somewhere much dirtier than a bathroom floor. Yet in the same way I know E had no concept of where she was sitting, she sat their joyfully because of who she was with (that was me, go mommy go); so I just need to sit, He is begging me to just sit. He ask me to remove those concerns and concepts of where I should be sitting, and just do it, now, sit now, like right now, at His feet. Then, when I get down there, no matter where "it" ends up being, I know I really won't care, because I just need to get there....and thankfully it's not that far from where I stand......

E and I with the necklace she made me!

Talking to Strangers

So I am a working mommy now, not like full-time, but part-time and at night, oh, and Saturdays. Chase told E today that I was at work because she finally realized I wasn't around as much, and so all night she said "Mommies working." He said it was cute, I bet it was!!!
Anyways, going to work makes you talk with strangers. Here I am trying to get to know these women I work with (and I really like them...) but, they are still strangers. I have worked 3 whole days now, GO ME, and tonight I shared the chunk of my life that is my hard. I felt weird doing so, I didn't want them to think I am out for pity, but at some point I have to face that this is who I am; and if they ask me about my kids, well, I respond "How well do you want to know me?" If they say anything that means "I want to know you well." I am going to share it. Okay, so I am talking to strangers, I am praying that what I say and what they receive my words to be are the same thing. I am praying that in the end they don't hear me at all. Instead I hope they hear a loving God, one whose love pours out on me like an unending river to my heart (check this out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4pY7AmmV7A). A river strong enough to erupt from inside of me, to them. I like talking with these strangers, I know God does........

Tangled............

Yes, I am referring to the movie. It has been an interesting few weeks to say the least. I feel a mess and Tangled seems like much more than a movie title in our home, it has been daily life both internally and externally.
Mothering  E is always an adventure, I seriously feel like it is. I never know what is going to happen daily, between her and I the spontaneousness of our lives is just living one big adventure. We wake up some mornings and just decide that today would be a great zoo day or it would be fun to have a last minute run to the park! I love living this way, its fun, its crazy, it keeps me busy and I need to be busy. Plus being gone means my house also gets to be interesting - like the pile of clothes on the dining table (it's customized and constantly changeable art in my opinion). But in the past 2 weeks the spontaneous nature of our home has been shifted as we spent 2 days at the Dr's office and one afternoon at the hospital. E had a fractured skull and then the next week she got sick - we stayed in - boring.... But now she is obsessed with "Tangled." It has been played everyday for 7 days - I could totally perform it for all of you, and if you ask I might just say YES! I loved Tangled, I am sick of Tangled, I have a feeling I will be watching Tangled tomorrow. I tried to talk her out of it today, but it wasn't happening.
So what type of parent lets their kid talk them into watching a movie everyday, even when they dont want to - the sacrificial kind. I am tooting my own horn, but my ears and mind have been overtaken by a fairy tale - that is sacrifice. The little bit of brain power I have is being consumed by songs, and horseys, and lots of hair.... But I will do it, I will watch it and sing every song with her, dance and watch my 1 year old practically quote it because she has been bound to our home, and so have I. Thankfully yesterday her fever broke, we are on the up-swing. Because of this we randomly decided last night at dinner to pack up and head to the beach after and watch the sunset - it was perfect, spontaneous and a great view! Then tonight, we hopped in the car after church and went to Ritas (E and I were both screaming for ice cream, it was fun).
We are living our days, what we have I am choosing to enjoy. I had a few break downs these past weeks - I barely slept after E hurt her head because of the fear of anything bad happening to her. Then she got sick, and once again I was consumed by fear, those were rough days for me. Circumstance, happenstance, whatever - I have had to face some sadness lately. However, no matter how much sadness could flood my mind at our families loss, at any given moment, I just have to let myself be consumed in living, all while missing them.
I don't know how to write this without being whiny, but I am going for it anyway. Every time I think of what I should be right now, whom I should be holding (both that Cary would be a month old or that I would be 17 weeks pregnant with Eli - although I could not have had both) I still cry - I cry. It happens almost everyday. When I think of living and enjoying E and being her mommy, I smile - I always smile. Emotions tangled together...... Tangled.............................

Waiting on Something Profound!

Just thinking of Job (from the bible), in the midst of his suffering. He needed to accept the horrible outcome of his life, and what God had actively allowed to be done to him.
What he needed was something profound.

Profound words, advice, truth!

When you are going through trials people tell you a lot of their thoughts on your circumstances and your situation. They honestly do their best to tell you, the sufferer, the very best and most profound thought they have. And truly the most profound thoughts, that people tell you, are some of the most healing and humbling. Humbleness is a big part of healing, realizing that you are not above your suffering, that it and the result of it are a part of you.

Profoundness that has helped me:
"The Moon is Round" - I didn't come up with this, but it moved me. The moon is always round, I know this and so do you. The the moon doesn't always look round - and even when it doesn't I still know IT IS! Thinking of God in trials, sometimes we can only see a sliver and that sliver is the pain. Our wish is that we would understand and see more, but for now we cant - but here it is - WE KNOW IT IS THERE The answers, reasons and glory that God will receive from all of this suffering - it is there even when we can't see it yet. The story and the coming glory of this story are there with Him - He is all in whether or not I can see it.
"Having vs. Parenting" - I have always felt called to have a big family, and often I had looked at these losses as "set-backs" as if I was saying "Well at this rate I am never going to have all the children God wants me to have." I give myself way to much credit obviously! My counselor posed this question to me the other day and it struck me - hard - more like a blow to the heart. He didn't mean it harshly and was gentle when he asked but he said "Rebecca I believe you when you say God told you that you would have lots of kids, but how many did He promise you that you would get to parent?"

You know who is Profound - God - He is full of wisdom, He is full of creativity and all of this beyond my complete comprehension. So back to Job, he needed something profound, he needed something humbling because well, his life sucked for a while, it did. His wife and friends could not offer the words, the thoughts that were anywhere close to what he needed in his suffering because it was so great. But there is this moment, well, WAY more than a single moment, in Job 38 when God begins to speak and Job listens. He is about to hear something humbling, something healing, something PROFOUND!
Job 38 (Click link for entire chapter and more...)
Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: “Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand.Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt? Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment. The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken. “Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this."

What we need when we suffer is God and His infinite, profound wisdom. Wisdom beyond my own, wisdom beyond yours. We need His word - it humbles us because He is a great God. A God who is with us, and has wisdom that He continually gives to us, a God who can heal us!

Honestly I don't have all the answers, I am learning, I am slowly learning....... I am healing....... slowly healing..... I am being humbled...... slowly being humbled. 

So here is my challenge: His wisdom is so much that I cannot learn enough of Him in just my own experience(s). I need His words and truth to know Him and to continue living in His healing power. I need to know what He has done for you - because God has healed you and when He did, He gave you something - something that needs to be shared. I am sure there were profound, ah-ha moments and I need to hear them. 

So below or on my facebook, take your time and take as much space as you need. Tell me and other readers your story - share the journey that God walked you through, share His truth because what we all are in need of is

Something Profound!