I haven't blogged in a while. I have had so much to say just haven't made time to say it (or really write it). So here is why I came to the computer today.
Last night Chase and I's second child went to be with Jesus. Went to sit at His feet and worship Him forever. Our baby is in the presence of their creator and I know it is wonderful. I know that if they had the choice to return to us or stay with Him, they would stay because once you have experienced Gods closeness, well, you can never go back. Its all I could ever ask for my children, or for anyone, to know God so closely and worship Him forever. In fact, I realize that my young child knows God better today than I have ever known Him in all my years. Oh, what an amazing experience, my baby knows God deeply and intimately. I love that, I am so okay with that. Yet, I selfishly am fighting a lot of sadness, and realize the time I will have to wait to join my sweet baby in heaven. It feels like it will be a long time right now, its not. Eternity is a long time - we will be together again. We named our baby Cary Hope. We had agreed on a boy and girl name while we were at the hospital before we found out God had carried baby to His presence. Cary for a boy, Hope for a girl. It seemed fitting after that Cary Hope would be a good way to remember this baby. We carry hope for the future our child has sitting with their Savior, and hope for what our future holds until we meet Him as well. Our hope is not lost, we carry it with us wherever we go. I am so overwhelmingly happy for our baby, it is the best wish I could ever have for them - knowing God is His fullness. I know I keep saying that, but it is because it's the best I can do right now, to remember that. I am so unsure of what God is going to teach us, and do for our family through this - but I feel Him working closely in our lives. I treasure the relationship He and I share, and to know He has walked others through worse, that is humbling to me. I know He will see us through - He is our Hope. So to all of you Cary Hope with you because God is near.
Last night at the hospital I was saying Psalm 23 over and over. It was a great comfort to me. The parenthesis are what I was saying to myself as I said His words.
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want (because He gives me what I need). He makes me lay down in green pasture, He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff they comfort me. (This part was comfort for me, I took the words for what they were directly - if I was tearful my tears would subside each time I said those phrases). You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies (in this case the creator of death and those who would desire death). You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. (My cup ran over with His presence last night. I kept thinking how at the table of my enemies my cup could run over - seems like an oxymoron - it is not. His power overcomes our adversity and trouble, the trouble sitting at our very table). Surely goodness and mercy (oh, so good for me to hear) shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
Just some other information and such since my thoughts are scattered, but I have so much to say:
It was early in my pregnancy, in fact I had only known of our baby for a week, it was a good week.
One last story. I shared that we had chosen Cary as a name for our baby if he would be a boy, and God is in the amazement business. Very shortly after we had chosen the boy name, the financial services lady for the hospital came in and was talking with us. We had not received news back from the tests and ultrasounds yet. But to make a long story short, her name was Cary and she was a believer, God brought us this amazing woman with the same name we had just decided on. She was with us when the Dr came in and told us the baby was with our Savior, and she prayed over us and I sat in awe that God had brought her to us. Again, just reminding me of His goodness and the fact He brings His people together. We are not alone. Our small room, just moved with His presence.
We had also decided on Hope because that day I had seen someone post of facebook the definition of Hope and in those difficult moments I thought hard about its meaning. "A cherished desire for something to come" isn't that just beautiful. I may still use these names in honor of this babies sweet life, because they honestly have defined a part of my life - a part of me. Its cool to think a part of me is in heaven, I have never been there, but part of me is, part of Chase. I write this through tears, and have so much more that God has poured into me in just one night, it is overwhelming. But all this while I Cary Hope. Oh, so much hope!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Feeling Frustrated VS. Normal
In the past few days I have been majorly frustrated. That is the truth, I love so many parts of my day. Cuddling with my daughter, nursing, playing, watching her play - but in the midst of all that I get some major irritations. These are completely inner mind games and dissatisfaction from a house that I can't seem to keep clean enough for a crawling baby (OCD perhaps), my new attempts at cooking or baking that didnt PAN out (get it, hahaha), and I have an inclination for what is next in my life. I always want the next thing, not the next best, but the next thing none the less. Things include, I want another baby, a new couch, a new rug, and to rearrange the entire house TODAY EVERYDAY. I literally spent one day last week taking down everything on the walls, patching all the holes and repainting the patch work. I am convinced I am going to put everything back up, but have yet to do so out of contemplation of what to do next. So you see my brain now - crazy right?
Chase and I talk about doing this and that around the house, when another child will become part of this family, what to do after we lose the dogs and these thoughts trickle daily through my mind while I am trying to enjoy what I already have. I just feel like I can't conquer these thoughts, what to do, what to do?
So it not just my mind racing but my physical body too! I am utterly down-in-the-dumps and feel overwhelmed by the tasks that I need to do, all the ones I want to begin, and finish. I have never been good at settling for anything, I put so much pressure on myself to be "good" and never give myself a break for what I have done but terrorize myself for my "to-do" list. I wish I would be able to honestly say" Look at what you have done" not "Ugh, there is so much left to do." It also creates a huge disconnect for me and Elizabeth. I want to be with her, but I have to sweep, do the dishes, cook, and make myself feel accomplished. And then, by the time I have checked off boxes on my mental list, I am exhausted and want a "Mommy Minute." So Mommy Minutes hurt me, they really do because then I think about how much guilt I feel at the time I spend watching TV, or surfing the internet - so much guilt, that is how much. I don't want to miss her childhood, but I am overwhelmed - my mind racing, so much to accomplish, and on top of that "DONT MISS A MOMENT OF HER CHILDHOOD" - how does any mother feel good about herself, if she is like me? I wonder...... I pray.
Everyday I seek to solve this frustrations, and I have yet to figure it out. There is balance somewhere in this mental and physical mess I feel I am in. I know there is plenty of scripture to teach me what to do, I have time to pray, so I do. And unlike other posts I am not posting so resolve I have already had, because I havent really had one yet, I will get back to you soon!
Chase and I talk about doing this and that around the house, when another child will become part of this family, what to do after we lose the dogs and these thoughts trickle daily through my mind while I am trying to enjoy what I already have. I just feel like I can't conquer these thoughts, what to do, what to do?
So it not just my mind racing but my physical body too! I am utterly down-in-the-dumps and feel overwhelmed by the tasks that I need to do, all the ones I want to begin, and finish. I have never been good at settling for anything, I put so much pressure on myself to be "good" and never give myself a break for what I have done but terrorize myself for my "to-do" list. I wish I would be able to honestly say" Look at what you have done" not "Ugh, there is so much left to do." It also creates a huge disconnect for me and Elizabeth. I want to be with her, but I have to sweep, do the dishes, cook, and make myself feel accomplished. And then, by the time I have checked off boxes on my mental list, I am exhausted and want a "Mommy Minute." So Mommy Minutes hurt me, they really do because then I think about how much guilt I feel at the time I spend watching TV, or surfing the internet - so much guilt, that is how much. I don't want to miss her childhood, but I am overwhelmed - my mind racing, so much to accomplish, and on top of that "DONT MISS A MOMENT OF HER CHILDHOOD" - how does any mother feel good about herself, if she is like me? I wonder...... I pray.
Everyday I seek to solve this frustrations, and I have yet to figure it out. There is balance somewhere in this mental and physical mess I feel I am in. I know there is plenty of scripture to teach me what to do, I have time to pray, so I do. And unlike other posts I am not posting so resolve I have already had, because I havent really had one yet, I will get back to you soon!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Walking with God is not about walking with Ease!
The road God takes us on is not always easy.
Christians have a big problem of wanting God on their terms. We want Him to fit into our lives instead of realizing we fit into His will for us. I see so many people who want convenient Christianity. I am so sad, because I am so guilty of this, I am a convenient Christian sometimes. We want our perfect little "cliche" at church and in bible study. We want our friends around us, to do things on our terms instead of His, and for our church to be comfortable for us. We dont want children screaming, big opinions disrupting our own, and people to "rock the boat" because somehow none of those things "we think" can lead us closer to God. But didn't God make himself Sovereign over all things? That including things that bother us and make us uncomfortable. The person that annoys you so much, is not in your church or bible study by accident, that child screaming is purposefully placed there for a reason you dont have to know or understand, and those people rocking the boat may very well be the EXACT people, with the EXACT "rocking" that you need to become closer to God. God is not asking us to fit Him into our lives, He is asking us to remove ourselves from our lives and replace what is gone (aka us) with Him. To walk as He walks, take His steps, and though it is soooooo uncomfortable to do so, it is EXACTLY what we are supposed to do.
Once we have removed our whole self, things should get easier right? I dont think that is right! More hardships will come our way, ones way worse than just someone "rocking the boat." Actually, that really is the challenge on this journey with God. When we are His our expectation of is one of ease as we walk with Him, like we can pray for comfort and think it comes because "It has to." I am not trying to give God less credit, because I KNOW God has the power to instantly instill comfort to us in our time of need without our help, but what if that comfort is supposed to come from the excruciating pain we must first endure. Reasons unknowns, but maybe because if He gave us comfort to soon - we would not learn what we were supposed to. I know that sounds mean, harsh, why would God challenge us like that - doesn't He want me comforted? In fact, doesnt His words say "blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4 - but that is exactly my point! He provides comfort in the midst of what should be challenging, of what is uncomfortable for a time. However, do not feel that your challenges should defeat you - God is merciful to us, He is our Savior. He takes us from the dark, challenging, and seemingly dreadful places. He lift us up. He is our help in our challenges and we never face one moment of each one without Him. My point is, you may suffer or walk in the dark longer than you want to, but never longer than God wants you too. He made you and has purpose in all His does in your life. Remove You and accept Him, it will all be okay, actually better than okay. Hey, lets see what Gods, inspired word says...
Psalm 39: 1 - 8
Psalm 40: 1 - 17
I could go on and on because I LOVE talking and yes, I talk through my posts as if they were conversations, but that is all for tonight. Please add your thoughts and continue sharing scripture and stories of your own if you would like. The challenges we all endure need the encouragement from experiences and solutions God has given us and also the insight to see what His words says about it all. Be honest, honestly......
Christians have a big problem of wanting God on their terms. We want Him to fit into our lives instead of realizing we fit into His will for us. I see so many people who want convenient Christianity. I am so sad, because I am so guilty of this, I am a convenient Christian sometimes. We want our perfect little "cliche" at church and in bible study. We want our friends around us, to do things on our terms instead of His, and for our church to be comfortable for us. We dont want children screaming, big opinions disrupting our own, and people to "rock the boat" because somehow none of those things "we think" can lead us closer to God. But didn't God make himself Sovereign over all things? That including things that bother us and make us uncomfortable. The person that annoys you so much, is not in your church or bible study by accident, that child screaming is purposefully placed there for a reason you dont have to know or understand, and those people rocking the boat may very well be the EXACT people, with the EXACT "rocking" that you need to become closer to God. God is not asking us to fit Him into our lives, He is asking us to remove ourselves from our lives and replace what is gone (aka us) with Him. To walk as He walks, take His steps, and though it is soooooo uncomfortable to do so, it is EXACTLY what we are supposed to do.
Once we have removed our whole self, things should get easier right? I dont think that is right! More hardships will come our way, ones way worse than just someone "rocking the boat." Actually, that really is the challenge on this journey with God. When we are His our expectation of is one of ease as we walk with Him, like we can pray for comfort and think it comes because "It has to." I am not trying to give God less credit, because I KNOW God has the power to instantly instill comfort to us in our time of need without our help, but what if that comfort is supposed to come from the excruciating pain we must first endure. Reasons unknowns, but maybe because if He gave us comfort to soon - we would not learn what we were supposed to. I know that sounds mean, harsh, why would God challenge us like that - doesn't He want me comforted? In fact, doesnt His words say "blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4 - but that is exactly my point! He provides comfort in the midst of what should be challenging, of what is uncomfortable for a time. However, do not feel that your challenges should defeat you - God is merciful to us, He is our Savior. He takes us from the dark, challenging, and seemingly dreadful places. He lift us up. He is our help in our challenges and we never face one moment of each one without Him. My point is, you may suffer or walk in the dark longer than you want to, but never longer than God wants you too. He made you and has purpose in all His does in your life. Remove You and accept Him, it will all be okay, actually better than okay. Hey, lets see what Gods, inspired word says...
Psalm 39: 1 - 8
I said, “I will guard my ways,
Lest I sin with my tongue;
I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle,
While the wicked are before me.”
2 I was mute with silence,
I held my peace even from good;
And my sorrow was stirred up.
3 My heart was hot within me;
While I was musing, the fire burned.
Then I spoke with my tongue:
Lest I sin with my tongue;
I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle,
While the wicked are before me.”
2 I was mute with silence,
I held my peace even from good;
And my sorrow was stirred up.
3 My heart was hot within me;
While I was musing, the fire burned.
Then I spoke with my tongue:
4 “Lord, make me to know my end,
And what is the measure of my days,
That I may know how frail I am.
5 Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my age is as nothing before You;
Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.Selah
6 Surely every man walks about like a shadow;
Surely they busy themselves in vain;
He heaps up riches,
And does not know who will gather them.
And what is the measure of my days,
That I may know how frail I am.
5 Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my age is as nothing before You;
Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.Selah
6 Surely every man walks about like a shadow;
Surely they busy themselves in vain;
He heaps up riches,
And does not know who will gather them.
7 “And now, Lord, what do I wait for?
My hope is in You.
8 Deliver me from all my transgressions;
Do not make me the reproach of the foolish.
My hope is in You.
8 Deliver me from all my transgressions;
Do not make me the reproach of the foolish.
...............................
Psalm 40: 1 - 17
I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3 He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3 He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.
4 Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust,
And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
5 Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered.
And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
5 Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered.
6 Sacrifice and offering You did not desire;
My ears You have opened.
Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require.
7 Then I said, “Behold, I come;
In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
8 I delight to do Your will, O my God,
And Your law is within my heart.”
My ears You have opened.
Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require.
7 Then I said, “Behold, I come;
In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
8 I delight to do Your will, O my God,
And Your law is within my heart.”
9 I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness
In the great assembly;
Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
O Lord, You Yourself know.
10 I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly.
In the great assembly;
Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
O Lord, You Yourself know.
10 I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O Lord;
Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me.
12 For innumerable evils have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
Therefore my heart fails me.
Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me.
12 For innumerable evils have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
Therefore my heart fails me.
13 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me;
O Lord, make haste to help me!
14 Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
Who seek to destroy my life;
Let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor
Who wish me evil.
15 Let them be confounded because of their shame,
Who say to me, “Aha, aha!”
O Lord, make haste to help me!
14 Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
Who seek to destroy my life;
Let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor
Who wish me evil.
15 Let them be confounded because of their shame,
Who say to me, “Aha, aha!”
16 Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You;
Let such as love Your salvation say continually,
“The Lord be magnified!”
17 But I am poor and needy;
Yet the Lord thinks upon me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God.
Let such as love Your salvation say continually,
“The Lord be magnified!”
17 But I am poor and needy;
Yet the Lord thinks upon me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God.
I could go on and on because I LOVE talking and yes, I talk through my posts as if they were conversations, but that is all for tonight. Please add your thoughts and continue sharing scripture and stories of your own if you would like. The challenges we all endure need the encouragement from experiences and solutions God has given us and also the insight to see what His words says about it all. Be honest, honestly......
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
The Art of being Honest, with yourself!
This blog has been fun for me, it has been a mental and emotional challenge too. Most times I literally am in tears at the other end of the computer screen - the side you cant see, is drenched in tears and at times shaking all the way down to my toes. Why? You ask. It is because I literally write this blog as God and I converse on what I am actually talking about. I sit and start talking (I mean typing, but I talk and type at the same time) about whatever is on my mind. An example is my last post began after I had read a beautiful tribute from a mother who had just lost her sweet infant daughter - my mind racing, I begin to type. I sit there and as I type, I learn, God pours His word over my mind and touches my heart. I am one step closer to Him as I end my post. I have learned something and our conversation is amazingly transposed on the computer for me to remember and reference as long as my blog lasts. In truth, I love that my friends have messaged me and commented on my commentary of my life and Gods influence on these situations I have shared. Yet, I want you to know, selfishly these posts are for me. They are not that I have so much knowledge to share, but I am working out my struggles publicly for you, and God is pouring Himself on my life. He has so much to teach me, I am glad I have this place, this blog to share my journey. I believe it touches you, because though I am not you, I am someone like you. Whether you are a man, woman, single or a mother, I am mom who is just going through each day with an idea in my head, those ideas become my actions, and God is there leading me toward betterness (is that a word), He has something to teach me and He does it as I live (and type). I know He has so much in store for you too. Take care friends and keep being honest (with yourself).
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
The theory of "Pain is Beauty!"
I dont know why but at times I feel drawn to suffering, the urge to carry a burden with someone, to cry and express pain at what seems terrible in the world. I have NEVER watched the show Private Practice, but seriously the commercial for tonight's episode just drew me right in (plus, it was after Dancing with the Stars). During the show a character is pregnant and gets devastating news about her unborn child. And honestly, in the past year I have heard of so many woman, loved by God, going through similar real-life situations. Some of them will read this blog, my heart has ached for you ladies, I sit in tears at the thought of your sufferings (like I said, I am kinda drawn to those feeling of pain). I want to walk the path with people who are hurting, not because I want a good excuse to cry, but because I have a deep inner desire to help lighten the burden. I want to see Joy in their eyes, even just for a moment, though the circumstances seemingly would suppose itself joyless. I want to see Joy because it is hope, Joy is beyond simple happiness, in fact it is so far beyond happiness that the two are not even to be considered the same. Joy is hope that despite so much has hurt and at the point of hurt, one is dwelling in pain, that in same dwelling place can be moments of good again, moments of true Joy. When pain hits, we wonder if we can ever have goodness and happiness in our lives again; but I tell you Joy can exist in the midst of pain. I have been in low places, and if I could put into proper words the experience of the beauty those moments gave me...well, I just, I just cant. But I remember looking at heaven and talking to the One who is creator and His overwhelming presence made me smile. Oh that overwhelming moment - Pain is Beautiful sometimes, Beautiful Joy.
Phil 4-7
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4-7
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Reality of Existence!
Lumps in my throat, knots in my stomach, questions like this roll through my mind swiftly:
"What have you done? I just messed up my kid."
Oh the agony of motherhood, I have never felt more insane for the right reasons! I love being a mom, I actually love that I feel this way sometimes because I laugh at my craziness and try to come up with a "rhyme" for the reasons things are the way they are. An example of this is as follows.
A friend text me Easter service "We are leaving, our child is having a meltdown."
My response "Oh, she is just really moved by what Jesus did for her. It moved her to tears, I get that."
Friend "I love your positive attitude" aka "You are crazy, that is not why she is crying, but thanks for trying to make me feel better."
As I know this "friend" will read this blog...I love you and I love your child!
Other personal examples would be the time, yes the time, my girls first tooth was coming in. I thought my ears would bleed from the unending sounds of her crying, and at that moment, baddddd mommy did not even know she was teething. Seriously, I just thought she was crying like a maniac because she has my DNA. 4 hours in, I have this random thought - "inconsolable crying could mean she is teething" - ah, yes that solved my problem....... when the Tylenol kicked in. Well, refer to line 1 of this post, I call my friends in tears and need to be consoled that I am not the worlds worst mom. I let my child suffer, I love her, but she suffered for hours on my watch. The point of this post - the distance between good mom and bad mom. I don't think it "feels" like much more than a thin, pencil drawn line between the two and mothers tetter between those "feelings" daily. I say "feeling" because I don't think I am a bad mom, but in moments like the one I mentioned, I sure "feel" that way.
The line is thin between the moments I feel like a great mom - sweeping up my daughter in my arms to console her tears and after minute upon minute of her continuing crying, I have to lay her in her crib for my sanity or yell out loud "STOP CRYING" even though she can't respond with my desired request (therefore, personally moving myself onto the bad mommy territory).
So here is the truth - our feelings matter, but they don't define us. I am not a bad mom because I "feel" like one. I am a good mom because, I care enough to think, I have to make every moment full of rainbows and teddy bears for my child to enjoy - REALITY CHECK - that is NOT going to happen (details on not actually being a bad mom below....keep reading).
Another close friend told me at the park one day, as she was lovingly pushing her child on the swings, sometimes she can't even stand for people to comment on her parenting at all; this is because she so delicately walks that good/bad mommy line. That was painful to hear - she is a great mom. But we have to accept we are not perfect parents to our "perfect children."
I actually have the perfect mom or at least I label her "As perfect as a mother could be" but she confesses to me constantly, specific mistakes she feels she made with me (when she was raising me). Yet, when I think of her I think of good memories and cant remember any of those specific times she refers to. I have to remind her, I turned out wonderful (vain, I know), and that I have a great life that I love living. I love God and have turned to Him to be my voice, and lead my path. I learned everything I know from her (and my dad, oh, and my grandma - it takes a village sometimes....:). At the end of all these conversations I know she "feels" she walked that line thin, you know that one I am just now walking on. I have been convinced this line determines my worth as a mother - BUT WAIT, does the LINE even exist???? No, it really doesn't exist. My existence, as a mother, is a path laid out by God, not some imaginary line. This path is not easy, or full of rainbows and teddy bears, and it is not determined by how I "feel" about it. It a challenging and rewarding journey and for the past 6 month, it has been the beginning of the motherhood; I walk it as best I can. Because this path is determined by God, it is perfect, walked by the imperfect but there is no good/bad mommy stickers to label me or pin on my shirt as I move from moment to moment. I have allowed my imperfections convince me when I make a mistake that somehow I have "crossed over" and that I am, all of the sudden, unworthy to be a good mom. But I have to remember MY EXISTENCE AS A MOTHER IS ON GODS PATH and HIS PATH is GOOD because HE IS GOOD. I walk with Him because there was a line I crossed a LONG time ago and when I choose to follow God, becoming His child. Now I am set on the GOOD path He has had for me. Each day of the journey teaches me more of who I am. When I remember I am His, I don't feel "bad mommy" I feel "blessed mommy" and that is sooooo good!
Now, this is not to say I never make mistakes, I do, but when I make a mistake, He leads me to correction (remember "becoming a better mom"). When I wander, He guides me back. When I fall down in sin, He picks me up and forgives me.
MOMS, we are not on our own - we are not defined by how we feel. I, personally am defined by God and when I remember that, I have to room for those "bad" feeling to even enter.
Honestly, when I started this post I had no idea it would even go this direction, but I am glad it did. God has set a path for us, that includes raising our children with His guidance, don't let bad feelings ruin the GOOD path He has for you and your family. With His guidance, we can all raise children that know His goodness and see it reflected in us. I am a good mom, because I have a good God to show me just how to do it!
Psalm 139 is a personal favorite of mine - I think of how God created me, leads me, and can do the same for you and each of our children. Oh God is good my friends, so good!
"What have you done? I just messed up my kid."
Oh the agony of motherhood, I have never felt more insane for the right reasons! I love being a mom, I actually love that I feel this way sometimes because I laugh at my craziness and try to come up with a "rhyme" for the reasons things are the way they are. An example of this is as follows.
A friend text me Easter service "We are leaving, our child is having a meltdown."
My response "Oh, she is just really moved by what Jesus did for her. It moved her to tears, I get that."
Friend "I love your positive attitude" aka "You are crazy, that is not why she is crying, but thanks for trying to make me feel better."
As I know this "friend" will read this blog...I love you and I love your child!
Other personal examples would be the time, yes the time, my girls first tooth was coming in. I thought my ears would bleed from the unending sounds of her crying, and at that moment, baddddd mommy did not even know she was teething. Seriously, I just thought she was crying like a maniac because she has my DNA. 4 hours in, I have this random thought - "inconsolable crying could mean she is teething" - ah, yes that solved my problem....... when the Tylenol kicked in. Well, refer to line 1 of this post, I call my friends in tears and need to be consoled that I am not the worlds worst mom. I let my child suffer, I love her, but she suffered for hours on my watch. The point of this post - the distance between good mom and bad mom. I don't think it "feels" like much more than a thin, pencil drawn line between the two and mothers tetter between those "feelings" daily. I say "feeling" because I don't think I am a bad mom, but in moments like the one I mentioned, I sure "feel" that way.
The line is thin between the moments I feel like a great mom - sweeping up my daughter in my arms to console her tears and after minute upon minute of her continuing crying, I have to lay her in her crib for my sanity or yell out loud "STOP CRYING" even though she can't respond with my desired request (therefore, personally moving myself onto the bad mommy territory).
So here is the truth - our feelings matter, but they don't define us. I am not a bad mom because I "feel" like one. I am a good mom because, I care enough to think, I have to make every moment full of rainbows and teddy bears for my child to enjoy - REALITY CHECK - that is NOT going to happen (details on not actually being a bad mom below....keep reading).
Another close friend told me at the park one day, as she was lovingly pushing her child on the swings, sometimes she can't even stand for people to comment on her parenting at all; this is because she so delicately walks that good/bad mommy line. That was painful to hear - she is a great mom. But we have to accept we are not perfect parents to our "perfect children."
I actually have the perfect mom or at least I label her "As perfect as a mother could be" but she confesses to me constantly, specific mistakes she feels she made with me (when she was raising me). Yet, when I think of her I think of good memories and cant remember any of those specific times she refers to. I have to remind her, I turned out wonderful (vain, I know), and that I have a great life that I love living. I love God and have turned to Him to be my voice, and lead my path. I learned everything I know from her (and my dad, oh, and my grandma - it takes a village sometimes....:). At the end of all these conversations I know she "feels" she walked that line thin, you know that one I am just now walking on. I have been convinced this line determines my worth as a mother - BUT WAIT, does the LINE even exist???? No, it really doesn't exist. My existence, as a mother, is a path laid out by God, not some imaginary line. This path is not easy, or full of rainbows and teddy bears, and it is not determined by how I "feel" about it. It a challenging and rewarding journey and for the past 6 month, it has been the beginning of the motherhood; I walk it as best I can. Because this path is determined by God, it is perfect, walked by the imperfect but there is no good/bad mommy stickers to label me or pin on my shirt as I move from moment to moment. I have allowed my imperfections convince me when I make a mistake that somehow I have "crossed over" and that I am, all of the sudden, unworthy to be a good mom. But I have to remember MY EXISTENCE AS A MOTHER IS ON GODS PATH and HIS PATH is GOOD because HE IS GOOD. I walk with Him because there was a line I crossed a LONG time ago and when I choose to follow God, becoming His child. Now I am set on the GOOD path He has had for me. Each day of the journey teaches me more of who I am. When I remember I am His, I don't feel "bad mommy" I feel "blessed mommy" and that is sooooo good!
Now, this is not to say I never make mistakes, I do, but when I make a mistake, He leads me to correction (remember "becoming a better mom"). When I wander, He guides me back. When I fall down in sin, He picks me up and forgives me.
MOMS, we are not on our own - we are not defined by how we feel. I, personally am defined by God and when I remember that, I have to room for those "bad" feeling to even enter.
Honestly, when I started this post I had no idea it would even go this direction, but I am glad it did. God has set a path for us, that includes raising our children with His guidance, don't let bad feelings ruin the GOOD path He has for you and your family. With His guidance, we can all raise children that know His goodness and see it reflected in us. I am a good mom, because I have a good God to show me just how to do it!
Psalm 139 is a personal favorite of mine - I think of how God created me, leads me, and can do the same for you and each of our children. Oh God is good my friends, so good!
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Frustrations and Correlations (to said frustrations)!
I have always been one of the those people that saw the glass half full, "rose colored glasses" on so the world looks pretty..... But I have to say I have always dealt with loads of insecurity and I think that paired with my rambling mouth has been a combination that at times makes my head spin. Here is why, I LOVE to share my life with my family and friends, and even sometimes people I just happen to meet in public. The life God has given me, I have committed to share! I find enjoyment in telling people about the trials God has brought me out of, and about all the wonderful things God has done for me, my life is an open book! One of the things I like about myself is the fact is how much I talk, it makes me feel good to say what I think, how I feel. Because I just jibber-jabber all the time, I have learned how to be entertaining when I speak (if you talk a lot you have to be entertaining so people will listen and not get to bored). However, because of this deep desire to share, I always just talk and talk and talk and then, I get insecure.
"Did I say the right thing?"
"Do they understand what I am talking about and are they receiving my words correctly?"
"Did what I say sound funny, mean, weird?"
"Oh no, you said to much."
"Great, now I have to explain that."
"Oh, maybe what I just said was to much and now they are uncomfortable."
I get into questioning everything I say, how I say it, and how they are hearing it.........Frustration occurring.
I will be honest, I today feel as though I am losing my mind because I am thinking of things I have said this past week, words God wanted me to say and write to people, but did I share them right??? Ahh, the agony. The agony comes from many facets of being a "talker", my rambling, my bluntness at times, knowing what I say and saying what I mean without confusing people and myself, peoples views of me because of what I say.
My close friends can attest to this constant inner battle I deal with, as they hear me try to resolve my insecurity at the expense of ears.
So, why my rant about insecurity, because combined with all God wants me to do, I cant let it get in my way. I know there is a fine line between what can be publicly shared and what God wants me to hold tightly in my heart for just Him and I; but, I plan on continuing to be an open, talkative person. God intends to use me, as He created me to serve Him and the thing that will hold me back is not talking...its insecurity......
Next frustration is FEAR.... Fear is so crippling! God tells us "Do Not Fear" like a millions times in His word but yet, I find myself laying in bed concerned for what "could" happen. Honestly, I get scared over the MOST ridiculous things, things that are a slim to none chance of happening. Shark attacks for instance, I NEVER go the beach (I am going today, strange timing), yet, I am scared some random day those sharks from the Snickers commercial are going to show up at my front door ready for a meal, I dont know.... But you get my drift, fear makes us crazy. What a silly way to live. I was thinking about it this morning, I live in fear of something that could possibly happen once, a shark attack, house burning down, car crashes, yet, the majority of days nothing of that sort is going to happen. Why worry? All, but possible day, of my life could be spent enjoying the goodness of blessings God has given me, but I fear for one day I will have a big time trial to deal with. I am so sick of living for the fear. Oh and just to tie the mommy aspect into this post last minute, the fears I hold for my child are by far my worst, but my prayer this morning was this. "God there is no room for satan to have power in me, Chase, or our child because we are Yours, full of You. You are completely with us and in us. You are in control and have power over our very lives, we cant be touched by satan, he cannot be with us." I know satan is all around, and fear is his game, and he can destroy things, but he cant destroy me.
Some scriptures for today are:
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will *direct your paths."
In the Hebrew the word Direct means "to smooth out, straighten, make right." So the end of the verse could be translated "He will make straight your stressful paths." For myself I claim His promise in this verse "I will trust the Lord with all my heart and I will not rely on my own knowledge to solve my problems of insecurity and fear. In everything I do I will acknowledge Him and He will take my stress from my insecurity and fears and will make right the path He has led me on"
I encourage you to think about your deep struggles and take this verse and apply it to that situation for yourself. Praise God for His love for us, even with our imperfections!
Just being Honest!!!
-Rebecca
"Did I say the right thing?"
"Do they understand what I am talking about and are they receiving my words correctly?"
"Did what I say sound funny, mean, weird?"
"Oh no, you said to much."
"Great, now I have to explain that."
"Oh, maybe what I just said was to much and now they are uncomfortable."
I get into questioning everything I say, how I say it, and how they are hearing it.........Frustration occurring.
I will be honest, I today feel as though I am losing my mind because I am thinking of things I have said this past week, words God wanted me to say and write to people, but did I share them right??? Ahh, the agony. The agony comes from many facets of being a "talker", my rambling, my bluntness at times, knowing what I say and saying what I mean without confusing people and myself, peoples views of me because of what I say.
My close friends can attest to this constant inner battle I deal with, as they hear me try to resolve my insecurity at the expense of ears.
So, why my rant about insecurity, because combined with all God wants me to do, I cant let it get in my way. I know there is a fine line between what can be publicly shared and what God wants me to hold tightly in my heart for just Him and I; but, I plan on continuing to be an open, talkative person. God intends to use me, as He created me to serve Him and the thing that will hold me back is not talking...its insecurity......
Next frustration is FEAR.... Fear is so crippling! God tells us "Do Not Fear" like a millions times in His word but yet, I find myself laying in bed concerned for what "could" happen. Honestly, I get scared over the MOST ridiculous things, things that are a slim to none chance of happening. Shark attacks for instance, I NEVER go the beach (I am going today, strange timing), yet, I am scared some random day those sharks from the Snickers commercial are going to show up at my front door ready for a meal, I dont know.... But you get my drift, fear makes us crazy. What a silly way to live. I was thinking about it this morning, I live in fear of something that could possibly happen once, a shark attack, house burning down, car crashes, yet, the majority of days nothing of that sort is going to happen. Why worry? All, but possible day, of my life could be spent enjoying the goodness of blessings God has given me, but I fear for one day I will have a big time trial to deal with. I am so sick of living for the fear. Oh and just to tie the mommy aspect into this post last minute, the fears I hold for my child are by far my worst, but my prayer this morning was this. "God there is no room for satan to have power in me, Chase, or our child because we are Yours, full of You. You are completely with us and in us. You are in control and have power over our very lives, we cant be touched by satan, he cannot be with us." I know satan is all around, and fear is his game, and he can destroy things, but he cant destroy me.
Some scriptures for today are:
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will *direct your paths."
In the Hebrew the word Direct means "to smooth out, straighten, make right." So the end of the verse could be translated "He will make straight your stressful paths." For myself I claim His promise in this verse "I will trust the Lord with all my heart and I will not rely on my own knowledge to solve my problems of insecurity and fear. In everything I do I will acknowledge Him and He will take my stress from my insecurity and fears and will make right the path He has led me on"
I encourage you to think about your deep struggles and take this verse and apply it to that situation for yourself. Praise God for His love for us, even with our imperfections!
Just being Honest!!!
-Rebecca
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