Unexpected Challenges. 2012 Edition

I am apparently a "bad-blogger" I would love to post more, I just forget to make time for the things I have wanted to write. I love writing, it is one of the biggest blessings to share my life, God gave me this life to share. I don't take that task lightly. So I have been stewing this post in my mind for a while now and here it is....

Having already shared about my journey of healing since my miscarriage, I want to share one of my recent hard, difficult, unexpected challenges. Several weeks ago two nights in a row I dreamed I felt my baby kicking me. The first night I just felt the kicking. The second night in my dream I remembered that I had gone to the hospital and I said to Chase (in my dream) "The Doctors were wrong, our baby is alive." In my dream it felt so good to feel the baby kick, it felt as real as it did when I had Elizabeth in my tummy. I woke up feeling empty and upset. Dreams are out of my control, but none-the-less gave me a challenge I wasn't prepared to face. It is funny because this isn't the first time I have had baby kicking dreams, after I had E for months off and on, I had dreams of a baby kicking me. I actually felt as though I was moving through pregnancy again in my dream world. I missed having her so close to me, I know I was that momma who struggled with the loss of being pregnant, but I think having her in my arms is WAY better. But that exact sentiment is what makes this loss hard. I missed being pregnant with E so I dreamed as if I still was (out of my control but...) this time I dream it again because I miss being pregnant, but I have no baby to hold.... So, my dear friend Amy gave birth to her miracle baby the same week our baby went to have life in Heaven and I hold her every chance I get. I hope it doesn't bother Amy, but I call HK "my baby" not in a "she is mine" way but in a "this is the baby I am going to love here and now" way. E loves to kiss her and look at her, I had both of them in my arms the other day, it felt bittersweet. I hate saying that because I dont think God desires for my life to be filled with anything less than pure sweetness. The sweetness that comes from living a life that is soaked up in Him. I have to remind myself once again that my life is full of purpose, given by God. My husbands life is full of purpose. E's life is full of purpose, and although short Cary Hopes life is full of purpose. I know this. Here is why...... Its part of God love letter to us all.

Psalm 19

¹ The heavens declare the glory of God;
    the skies proclaim the work of His hands.
² Day after day they pour forth speech;
    night after night they reveal knowledge.
³ They have no speech, they use no words;
    no sound is heard from them.
⁴ Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
    their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.
⁵     It is like a Bridegroom coming out of His chamber,
    like a champion rejoicing to run His course.
⁶ It rises at one end of the heavens
    and makes its circuit to the other;
    nothing is deprived of its warmth.

⁷ The law of the Lord is perfect,
    refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy,
    making wise the simple.
⁸ The precepts of the Lord are right,
    giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are radiant,
    giving light to the eyes.
⁹ The fear of the Lord is pure,
    enduring forever.
The decrees of the Lord are firm,
    and all of them are righteous.

¹⁰ They are more precious than gold,
    than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
    than honey from the honeycomb.
¹¹ By them your servant is warned;
    in keeping them there is great reward.
¹² But who can discern their own errors?
    Forgive my hidden faults.
¹³ Keep your servant also from willful sins;
    may they not rule over me.
Then I will be blameless,
    innocent of great transgression.

¹⁴ May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
    be pleasing in your sight,
    Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.

First Touches of Weakness

I thought I was fine. I even said to myself as I walked up to the baby shower "I am so okay." This friend was having a miracle baby, a baby I had prayed to God would give her. I know, she knew the pain I have been experiencing from a previous loss. In fact, I had been looking forward to celebrating with  her because I am so excited for this baby. So here I am sitting at this beautiful baby shower, friends close by, two recently had little girls and two are pregnant with amazing little treasures, that I also cant wait to meet! The talk between me and my dressed up girlfriends, of course, is on children, and talking about their miracles. I am fine through all this, my baby passed through my mind, but I am settled in their happiness in heaven. But then, one of my friends, whom I hadn't talked to about what has happened, asked "What about you, more kids in the future?" My heart stopped, it has been the question that has haunted my mind often since this loss. Of course I want more children, cautiously because I fear feeling this sadness again, but hopeful for the children God has for us. But that is not what I said, instead my response was to give into my emotions and start crying. I didn't think that question would get me like that, but my heart felt like it was shaking in my chest as it recovered from the momentary hault it had just experienced. I thought I was fine, my friend who was also sitting with us, had read my blog and messaged me sharing her own loss, said "I thought you were doing okay?" Honestly, so did I. I thought I was okay and had processed my sweet babies place in heaven, and the fact that I don't hold their life in me anymore. I thought I was okay, and was dealing with it. But to hear that question out-loud, well it out-poured a wealth of emotions, the loss, the future, fear, and the hope I have to one day be a mother to another child. I was overwhelmed. I pulled it together quickly and apologized for my response, my friend felt for me, I knew she did. But I didn't want to be center of attention today, it was a celebration of life for a baby to come. I wanted to celebrate with her, it was her day!
My first touch with my weakness, I mean, beyond those first days of raw emotion. Grief is a powerful thing, even with the Lords peace and strength it feels easy to surrender to it. That moment opened to some special time with friends as the shower was wrapping up, and ladies grabbed my hand, hugged me, and told me they were sorry for my loss. A friend, I admire, shared with me her own loss and reminded me to grieve, something that obviously summed up the moment I had earlier. It was another step in my redemption for the sadness of this loss, to grieve but be able to do so in a way that says "God, I am not happy this happened, but I am happy that my baby in in Your loving care. I am going to cry for my loss right now, but the joy I have in You also brings me to tears. I may feel sad, but I am not hopeless. My hope for my child is with You and my hope for the future." Its like grief first, then God. God always conquers my touches with weakness. Scripture sums it up like this "But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

Matthew 5:3-10
 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

(2 Corinthians 12:9-10 scripture is from a time Paul was pleading with the Lord to take away the torment of a messenger from Satan (torment that God allowed to keep him from being conceited), this was God's response.)

A new day began 2 minutes ago!

I don't have much to say today. I journaled a lot in the days after our baby went to worship Jesus, and in the past week have thought of them often but the writing stopped. I think that I poured my heart out so much between 1-blog 2-Elizabeth's notebook 3-personal journal, that I just wrote out so much; not wanting to forget anything I thought and said. Now I just find myself touching my empty tummy and silently praying through moments. I am not sad all the time, but at times I am. I don't like what happened, but I am okay now. I am again, overjoyed for our baby and not for one moment have I felt sad for them - they would not even be able to comprehend me feeling anything but JOY for their current place in eternity because it is a REALLY good one.
The most amazing thing for me lately has been talking with so many people who have experienced great loss or trials and the redemption God has given them. Redemption has a been a big word for me lately and literally one day I was driving and talking with the Lord and really wanting to hear a reply, I had the radio on and the first word I heard was "redeemed." It was a great word to hear and I felt it summing up my current struggle. Now that word reminds me of one of my favorite songs, but also a lesson God taught me a long time ago. Often we desire perfection, don't deny that you would not mind if your life had turned out perfectly, we all would not mind the easy ride once and while. I think that we appreciate the hardships and all they have taught us, but if we had a perfect life, well, we would have never needed to learn those lessons in the first place, right? (Ellie, I know that is a run on sentence or fragment or something, okay!) Anyways, this amazing song is called the Angels Wish and it goes like this:

Was God smiling 
When He spoke the words 
That made the world 
And did He cry about the flood 
And what does God's voice sound like 
When He sings, when He's angry 
These are just a few things 
That the angels have on me 

Chorus: 
Well, I can't fly 
At least not yet 
I've got no halo on my head 
And I can't even start to picture Heaven's beauty 
But I've been shown the Savior's love 
The grace of God has raised me up 
To show me things the angels long to look into 
And I know things 
The Angels only wish they knew 

I have seen the dark and desperate place 
Where sin will take you 
I've felt loneliness and shame 
And I have watched the blinding light of grace 
Come breaking through with a sweetness 
Only tasted by the forgiven and redeemed 

And someday I'll sit down with my angel friends 
Up in Heaven 
They'll tell me about creation 
And I'll tell them a story of grace

Oh, its is just the most beautiful song. When I have thought about what I am walking through right now, I have thought and remembered "God prepared me, my entire life, to deal with exactly what He has given me and in this case taken from me. The closeness I have with Him, I cherish it, that bond exists to help me through the trials He has sent to me. In comparison to some, my loss is small, but God purposed my life to be here now, and I am not hopeless. I am redeemed."

See like I said above we would want that perfect life, until we have gone through those trials, and we appreciate what they make us. As believers, God prepares us and has purposed our lives to bring Him glory through our trials and blessings. Most of the awesome, redeemed people I know shower me in His glory when I see them! And thank you for that! But here is my ending to my little blogy tonight, sometimes I want to be in the dark so that I really know how good the light is. There I times, I need to feel desperate like I did the night my baby went to see Him, because I have never craved closeness to the Lord, like He let me feel that night. I want to be know I am forgiven when I mess up. I want to be redeemed. Honestly, do you?

Cary Hope

I haven't blogged in a while. I have had so much to say just haven't made time to say it (or really write it). So here is why I came to the computer today.

Last night Chase and I's second child went to be with Jesus. Went to sit at His feet and worship Him forever. Our baby is in the presence of their creator and I know it is wonderful. I know that if they had the choice to return to us or stay with Him, they would stay because once you have experienced Gods closeness, well, you can never go back. Its all I could ever ask for my children, or for anyone, to know God so closely and worship Him forever. In fact, I realize that my young child knows God better today than I have ever known Him in all my years. Oh, what an amazing experience, my baby knows God deeply and intimately. I love that, I am so okay with that. Yet, I selfishly am fighting a lot of sadness, and realize the time I will have to wait to join my sweet baby in heaven. It feels like it will be a long time right now, its not. Eternity is a long time - we will be together again. We named our baby Cary Hope. We had agreed on a boy and girl name while we were at the hospital before we found out God had carried baby to His presence. Cary for a boy, Hope for a girl. It seemed fitting after that Cary Hope would be a good way to remember this baby. We carry hope for the future our child has sitting with their Savior, and hope for what our future holds until we meet Him as well. Our hope is not lost, we carry it with us wherever we go. I am so overwhelmingly happy for our baby, it is the best wish I could ever have for them - knowing God is His fullness. I know I keep saying that, but it is because it's the best I can do right now, to remember that. I am so unsure of what God is going to teach us, and do for our family through this - but I feel Him working closely in our lives. I treasure the relationship He and I share, and to know He has walked others through worse, that is humbling to me. I know He will see us through - He is our Hope. So to all of you Cary Hope with you because God is near.

Last night at the hospital I was saying Psalm 23 over and over. It was a great comfort to me. The parenthesis are what I was saying to myself as I said His words.
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want (because He gives me what I need). He makes me lay down in green pasture, He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff they comfort me. (This part was comfort for me, I took the words for what they were directly - if I was tearful my tears would subside each time I said those phrases). You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies (in this case the creator of death and those who would desire death). You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over. (My cup ran over with His presence last night. I kept thinking how at the table of my enemies my cup could run over - seems like an oxymoron - it is not. His power overcomes our adversity and trouble, the trouble sitting at our very table). Surely goodness and mercy (oh, so good for me to hear) shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Just some other information and such since my thoughts are scattered, but I have so much to say:
It was early in my pregnancy, in fact I had only known of our baby for a week, it was a good week.

One last story. I shared that we had chosen Cary as a name for our baby if he would be a boy, and God is in the amazement business. Very shortly after we had chosen the boy name, the financial services lady for the hospital came in and was talking with us. We had not received news back from the tests and ultrasounds yet. But to make a long story short, her name was Cary and she was a believer, God brought us this amazing woman with the same name we had just decided on. She was with us when the Dr came in and told us the baby was with our Savior, and she prayed over us and I sat in awe that God had brought her to us. Again, just reminding me of His goodness and the fact He brings His people together. We are not alone. Our small room, just moved with His presence.
We had also decided on Hope because that day I had seen someone post of facebook the definition of Hope and in those difficult moments I thought hard about its meaning. "A cherished desire for something to come" isn't that just beautiful. I may still use these names in honor of this babies sweet life, because they honestly have defined a part of my life - a part of me. Its cool to think a part of me is in heaven, I have never been there, but part of me is, part of Chase. I write this through tears, and have so much more that God has poured into me in just one night, it is overwhelming. But all this while I Cary Hope. Oh, so much hope!

Feeling Frustrated VS. Normal

In the past few days I have been majorly frustrated. That is the truth, I love so many parts of my day. Cuddling with my daughter, nursing, playing, watching her play - but in the midst of all that I get some major irritations. These are completely inner mind games and dissatisfaction from a house that I can't seem to keep clean enough for a crawling baby (OCD perhaps), my new attempts at cooking or baking that didnt PAN out (get it, hahaha), and I have an inclination for what is next in my life. I always want the next thing, not the next best, but the next thing none the less. Things include, I want another baby, a new couch, a new rug, and to rearrange the entire house TODAY EVERYDAY. I literally spent one day last week taking down everything on the walls, patching all the holes and repainting the patch work. I am convinced I am going to put everything back up, but have yet to do so out of contemplation of what to do next. So you see my brain now - crazy right?

Chase and I talk about doing this and that around the house, when another child will become part of this family, what to do after we lose the dogs and these thoughts trickle daily through my mind while I am trying to enjoy what I already have. I just feel like I can't conquer these thoughts, what to do, what to do?

So it not just my mind racing but my physical body too! I am utterly down-in-the-dumps and feel overwhelmed by the tasks that I need to do, all the ones I want to begin, and finish. I have never been good at settling for anything, I put so much pressure on myself to be "good" and never give myself a break for what I have done but terrorize myself for my "to-do" list. I wish I would be able to honestly say" Look at what you have done" not "Ugh, there is so much left to do." It also creates a huge disconnect for me and Elizabeth. I want to be with her, but I have to sweep, do the dishes, cook, and make myself feel accomplished. And then, by the time I have checked off boxes on my mental list, I am exhausted and want a "Mommy Minute." So Mommy Minutes hurt me, they really do because then I think about how much guilt I feel at the time I spend watching TV, or surfing the internet - so much guilt, that is how much. I don't want to miss her childhood, but I am overwhelmed - my mind racing, so much to accomplish, and on top of that "DONT MISS A MOMENT OF HER CHILDHOOD" - how does any mother feel good about herself, if she is like me? I wonder...... I pray.

Everyday I seek to solve this frustrations, and I have yet to figure it out. There is balance somewhere in this mental and physical mess I feel I am in. I know there is plenty of scripture to teach me what to do, I have time to pray, so I do. And unlike other posts I am not posting so resolve I have already had, because I havent really had one yet, I will get back to you soon!

Walking with God is not about walking with Ease!

The road God takes us on is not always easy.
Christians have a big problem of wanting God on their terms. We want Him to fit into our lives instead of realizing we fit into His will for us. I see so many people who want convenient Christianity. I am so sad, because I am so guilty of this, I am a convenient Christian sometimes. We want our perfect little "cliche" at church and in bible study. We want our friends around us, to do things on our terms instead of  His, and for our church to be comfortable for us. We dont want children screaming, big opinions disrupting our own, and people to "rock the boat" because somehow none of those things "we think" can lead us closer to God. But didn't God make himself Sovereign over all things? That including things that bother us and make us uncomfortable. The person that annoys you so much, is not in your church or bible study by accident, that child screaming is purposefully placed there for a reason you dont have to know or understand, and those people rocking the boat may very well be the EXACT people, with the EXACT "rocking" that you need to become closer to God. God is not asking us to fit Him into our lives, He is asking us to remove ourselves from our lives and replace what is gone (aka us) with Him. To walk as He walks, take His steps, and though it is soooooo uncomfortable to do so, it is EXACTLY what we are supposed to do.

Once we have removed our whole self, things should get easier right? I dont think that is right!  More hardships will come our way, ones way worse than just someone "rocking the boat." Actually, that really is the challenge on this journey with God. When we are His our expectation of is one of ease as we walk with Him, like we can pray for comfort and think it comes because "It has to." I am not trying to give God less credit, because I KNOW God has the power to instantly instill comfort to us in our time of need without our help, but what if that comfort is supposed to come from the excruciating pain we must first endure. Reasons unknowns, but maybe because if He gave us comfort to soon - we would not learn what we were supposed to. I know that sounds mean, harsh, why would God challenge us like that - doesn't He want me comforted? In fact, doesnt His words say "blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4 - but that is exactly my point! He provides comfort in the midst of what should be challenging, of what is uncomfortable for a time. However, do not feel that your challenges should defeat you - God is merciful to us, He is our Savior. He takes us from the dark, challenging, and seemingly dreadful places. He lift us up. He is our help in our challenges and we never face one moment of each one without Him. My point is, you may suffer or walk in the dark longer than you want to, but never longer than God wants you too. He made you and has purpose in all His does in your life. Remove You and accept Him, it will all be okay, actually better than okay. Hey, lets see what Gods, inspired word says...

Psalm 39: 1 - 8

I said, “I will guard my ways,
Lest I sin with my tongue;
I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle,
While the wicked are before me.”
² I was mute with silence,
I held my peace even from good;
And my sorrow was stirred up.
³ My heart was hot within me;
While I was musing, the fire burned.
Then I spoke with my tongue:

⁴ “Lord, make me to know my end,
And what is the measure of my days,
That I may know how frail I am.
⁵ Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths,
And my age is as nothing before You;
Certainly every man at his best state is but vapor.Selah
⁶ Surely every man walks about like a shadow;
Surely they busy themselves in vain;
He heaps up riches,
And does not know who will gather them.

⁷ “And now, Lord, what do I wait for?
My hope is in You.
⁸ Deliver me from all my transgressions;
Do not make me the reproach of the foolish.

...............................

Psalm 40: 1 - 17

I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
² He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
³ He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.

⁴ Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust,
And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
⁵ Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered.

⁶ Sacrifice and offering You did not desire;
My ears You have opened.
Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Behold, I come;
In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
⁸ I delight to do Your will, O my God,
And Your law is within my heart.”

⁹ I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness
In the great assembly;
Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
O Lord, You Yourself know.
¹⁰ I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly.

¹¹ Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O Lord;
Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me.
¹² For innumerable evils have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
Therefore my heart fails me.

¹³ Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me;
O Lord, make haste to help me!
¹⁴ Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
Who seek to destroy my life;
Let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor
Who wish me evil.
¹⁵ Let them be confounded because of their shame,
Who say to me, “Aha, aha!”

¹⁶ Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You;
Let such as love Your salvation say continually,
“The Lord be magnified!”
¹⁷ But I am poor and needy;
Yet the Lord thinks upon me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God.

I could go on and on because I LOVE talking and yes, I talk through my posts as if they were conversations, but that is all for tonight. Please add your thoughts and continue sharing scripture and stories of your own if you would like. The challenges we all endure need the encouragement from experiences and solutions God has given us and also the insight to see what His words says about it all. Be honest, honestly......

The Art of being Honest, with yourself!

This blog has been fun for me, it has been a mental and emotional challenge too. Most times I literally am in tears at the other end of the computer screen - the side you cant see, is drenched in tears and at times shaking all the way down to my toes. Why? You ask. It is because I literally write this blog as God and I converse on what I am actually talking about. I sit and start talking (I mean typing, but I talk and type at the same time) about whatever is on my mind. An example is my last post began after I had read a beautiful tribute from a mother who had just lost her sweet infant daughter - my mind racing, I begin to type. I sit there and as I type, I learn, God pours His word over my mind and touches my heart. I am one step closer to Him as I end my post. I have learned something and our conversation is amazingly transposed on the computer for me to remember and reference as long as my blog lasts. In truth, I love that my friends have messaged me and commented on my commentary of my life and Gods influence on these situations I have shared. Yet, I want you to know, selfishly these posts are for me. They are not that I have so much knowledge to share, but I am working out my struggles publicly for you, and God is pouring Himself on my life. He has so much to teach me, I am glad I have this place, this blog to share my journey. I believe it touches you, because though I am not you, I am someone like you. Whether you are a man, woman, single or a mother, I am mom who is just going through each day with an idea in my head, those ideas become my actions, and God is there leading me toward betterness (is that a word), He has something to teach me and He does it as I live (and type). I know He has so much in store for you too. Take care friends and keep being honest (with yourself).