I have always been one of the those people that saw the glass half full, "rose colored glasses" on so the world looks pretty..... But I have to say I have always dealt with loads of insecurity and I think that paired with my rambling mouth has been a combination that at times makes my head spin. Here is why, I LOVE to share my life with my family and friends, and even sometimes people I just happen to meet in public. The life God has given me, I have committed to share! I find enjoyment in telling people about the trials God has brought me out of, and about all the wonderful things God has done for me, my life is an open book! One of the things I like about myself is the fact is how much I talk, it makes me feel good to say what I think, how I feel. Because I just jibber-jabber all the time, I have learned how to be entertaining when I speak (if you talk a lot you have to be entertaining so people will listen and not get to bored). However, because of this deep desire to share, I always just talk and talk and talk and then, I get insecure.
"Did I say the right thing?"
"Do they understand what I am talking about and are they receiving my words correctly?"
"Did what I say sound funny, mean, weird?"
"Oh no, you said to much."
"Great, now I have to explain that."
"Oh, maybe what I just said was to much and now they are uncomfortable."
I get into questioning everything I say, how I say it, and how they are hearing it.........Frustration occurring.
I will be honest, I today feel as though I am losing my mind because I am thinking of things I have said this past week, words God wanted me to say and write to people, but did I share them right??? Ahh, the agony. The agony comes from many facets of being a "talker", my rambling, my bluntness at times, knowing what I say and saying what I mean without confusing people and myself, peoples views of me because of what I say.
My close friends can attest to this constant inner battle I deal with, as they hear me try to resolve my insecurity at the expense of ears.
So, why my rant about insecurity, because combined with all God wants me to do, I cant let it get in my way. I know there is a fine line between what can be publicly shared and what God wants me to hold tightly in my heart for just Him and I; but, I plan on continuing to be an open, talkative person. God intends to use me, as He created me to serve Him and the thing that will hold me back is not talking...its insecurity......
Next frustration is FEAR.... Fear is so crippling! God tells us "Do Not Fear" like a millions times in His word but yet, I find myself laying in bed concerned for what "could" happen. Honestly, I get scared over the MOST ridiculous things, things that are a slim to none chance of happening. Shark attacks for instance, I NEVER go the beach (I am going today, strange timing), yet, I am scared some random day those sharks from the Snickers commercial are going to show up at my front door ready for a meal, I dont know.... But you get my drift, fear makes us crazy. What a silly way to live. I was thinking about it this morning, I live in fear of something that could possibly happen once, a shark attack, house burning down, car crashes, yet, the majority of days nothing of that sort is going to happen. Why worry? All, but possible day, of my life could be spent enjoying the goodness of blessings God has given me, but I fear for one day I will have a big time trial to deal with. I am so sick of living for the fear. Oh and just to tie the mommy aspect into this post last minute, the fears I hold for my child are by far my worst, but my prayer this morning was this. "God there is no room for satan to have power in me, Chase, or our child because we are Yours, full of You. You are completely with us and in us. You are in control and have power over our very lives, we cant be touched by satan, he cannot be with us." I know satan is all around, and fear is his game, and he can destroy things, but he cant destroy me.
Some scriptures for today are:
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will *direct your paths."
In the Hebrew the word Direct means "to smooth out, straighten, make right." So the end of the verse could be translated "He will make straight your stressful paths." For myself I claim His promise in this verse "I will trust the Lord with all my heart and I will not rely on my own knowledge to solve my problems of insecurity and fear. In everything I do I will acknowledge Him and He will take my stress from my insecurity and fears and will make right the path He has led me on"
I encourage you to think about your deep struggles and take this verse and apply it to that situation for yourself. Praise God for His love for us, even with our imperfections!
Just being Honest!!!
-Rebecca
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Here again, but really for the 1st time!
So my first blog post, big deal right? Well, a big deal to me! I have always wanted a blog to call my own, unsure of implications of committing to such a task. However, if I am going to stay up late, why not bless all of you with my pers-pec-tive of all things "motherhood." I am a new mom, so this is not a "know-it-all" blog in fact it is quite the opposite, it is an "I know myself, I have changed since mommy-hood, and I am meeting the new me daily." I want to share my journey and maybe reach out to those moms who are in LOVE with their children, but maybe just maybe are just learning to navigate who they are and if they were really HONEST, I have a few inklings to what they might say........
So I am up late again, husband and baby tucked comfortably in bed and I am checking facebook to have some sense of socialization (and I am talker, you will learn this about me quickly) so facebook just does NOT do the trick. Honestly, sometimes I find myself more empty from my interactions on there, rather than the fulfilled to my social needs. Oh well, I will just text - oh wait, I hate texting too. So impersonal, I would rather hug someone like 20 times in our encounter and tell them I like their hair, which means I would HAVE to see them. I am sure though that sometimes people much prefer me at a distance, I am loud and definitely a "in your bubble" friend, which brings me to my first point: 1) I have become super self-conscious since my daughter was born. I love who God made me to be, and that at times involves my need for people, I love them, I love people. But yet, I have found myself struggling through social situations, even with close friends whom I know accept me in their bubble and love that I talk really loud. So why I am feeling so weirdo on the inside. I am not sure, but if feeling awkward about some of my social interactions is territory that comes with being a mom, I will be the most awkward, weird, strange, freakish person on the plant, because being a mom is the best and TOTALLY worth it.
Other strange things that have changed with me since my baby girls birth:
Crazy appetite, I eat all the time. In fact, if there were video cameras in my house and being 9 months pregnant meant "not showing" from my eating habits alone, all people would assume I was still prego. I just claim that you are pregnant for such a long time that the lifestyle of eating whatever you want, whenever is honestly habit forming. Yes, I am in the habit of pregnant eating. Such a great habit, if only it was sustainable enough to not make you gain one million pounds, but it isnt, so I am working on it (my personal trainer will be happy about that comment, which is really the only reason I wrote it) as I eat my last tootsie roll...of the night!
Oh, and is any other mother super self aware now. My brain races most moments during my day, yes races, at least I can do something fast (glass half full, I think so). You know, I think this trait is mostly good for me, I am just really aware of where I am going, what I am doing, saying, just to ensure I am doing what is best for my daughter - but it also highlights some of the things I dont exactly LOVE about myself - but it makes me realize how much I love my daughter. She is just one of the best things in life, rolled into one little life. She is just perfection, however, I am not (self awareness stinks sometimes, not that I ever thought I was perfect)!
Honestly, this is how I feel; I feel like everyday a bit more of "pre-mommy" me is disappearing and I am waking each morning to get acquainted with Elizabeths mom. This new me seems pretty great, but there are changes to get used to and new things to learn about myself or learn more about who God wants me to be, as the mommy He made me to be. But meeting Elizabeths mom has been good for me, because God is good, she is a good gift from God, and God has a lot of good to do in me. He is working in me, but I face Him honestly, the things I love about motherhood, and the trials that have come. So as I head to bed, I bid farewell to a little less of my prior self and ready myself to welcome a bit more Elizabeths mom into myself. Hopefully, I can work though some of this craziness and keep enjoying the great times. Honestly, I'm a Mom, and I love it, let it make me who I am meant to be. Goodnight moms and friends, keep being honest!
So I am up late again, husband and baby tucked comfortably in bed and I am checking facebook to have some sense of socialization (and I am talker, you will learn this about me quickly) so facebook just does NOT do the trick. Honestly, sometimes I find myself more empty from my interactions on there, rather than the fulfilled to my social needs. Oh well, I will just text - oh wait, I hate texting too. So impersonal, I would rather hug someone like 20 times in our encounter and tell them I like their hair, which means I would HAVE to see them. I am sure though that sometimes people much prefer me at a distance, I am loud and definitely a "in your bubble" friend, which brings me to my first point: 1) I have become super self-conscious since my daughter was born. I love who God made me to be, and that at times involves my need for people, I love them, I love people. But yet, I have found myself struggling through social situations, even with close friends whom I know accept me in their bubble and love that I talk really loud. So why I am feeling so weirdo on the inside. I am not sure, but if feeling awkward about some of my social interactions is territory that comes with being a mom, I will be the most awkward, weird, strange, freakish person on the plant, because being a mom is the best and TOTALLY worth it.
Other strange things that have changed with me since my baby girls birth:
Crazy appetite, I eat all the time. In fact, if there were video cameras in my house and being 9 months pregnant meant "not showing" from my eating habits alone, all people would assume I was still prego. I just claim that you are pregnant for such a long time that the lifestyle of eating whatever you want, whenever is honestly habit forming. Yes, I am in the habit of pregnant eating. Such a great habit, if only it was sustainable enough to not make you gain one million pounds, but it isnt, so I am working on it (my personal trainer will be happy about that comment, which is really the only reason I wrote it) as I eat my last tootsie roll...of the night!
Oh, and is any other mother super self aware now. My brain races most moments during my day, yes races, at least I can do something fast (glass half full, I think so). You know, I think this trait is mostly good for me, I am just really aware of where I am going, what I am doing, saying, just to ensure I am doing what is best for my daughter - but it also highlights some of the things I dont exactly LOVE about myself - but it makes me realize how much I love my daughter. She is just one of the best things in life, rolled into one little life. She is just perfection, however, I am not (self awareness stinks sometimes, not that I ever thought I was perfect)!
Honestly, this is how I feel; I feel like everyday a bit more of "pre-mommy" me is disappearing and I am waking each morning to get acquainted with Elizabeths mom. This new me seems pretty great, but there are changes to get used to and new things to learn about myself or learn more about who God wants me to be, as the mommy He made me to be. But meeting Elizabeths mom has been good for me, because God is good, she is a good gift from God, and God has a lot of good to do in me. He is working in me, but I face Him honestly, the things I love about motherhood, and the trials that have come. So as I head to bed, I bid farewell to a little less of my prior self and ready myself to welcome a bit more Elizabeths mom into myself. Hopefully, I can work though some of this craziness and keep enjoying the great times. Honestly, I'm a Mom, and I love it, let it make me who I am meant to be. Goodnight moms and friends, keep being honest!
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