Spectacular Endings!

Chase and I are going on our first weekend getaway, no kids, just friends, rest, and reconnect! However, J is still nursing, and since I don't know if he will want to continue when I return, I feel like it could be the end. Some of that feels okay to me, but if it is the end I want to like soak today like a sponge. Nursing isn't for everyone, but it is for me. I love the ease of not having to pack bottle, its just right there - it takes time, but for the most part I consider myself to lazy to bottle feed. This is not a feeding debate, so keep reading - its about the feelings behind the endings of things.  When E stopped nursing I had just gotten out of the hospital from my second miscarriage. I was on a lot of medication from some severe problems I had with that loss. I was depressed and I was done. I hated being done, but more than that I hated that the end of it came so rapidly, it was just over, no long goodbye; I ended it. The situation only made it worse, and now facing the end of this time with J, where he wont need me as much, because bottles are bonding for everyone; I am losing my exclusive title! (selfish, I know)
Anytime something ends we feel like it should be remarkable - we want to really make sure that we remember the goodness that has come and now gone. Graduations are a great example of that, parents cry, they want a perfect ceremony - they want to inhale and never exhale the memories of their child's  prior youth, but celebrate the accomplishments too! And I mean we have tons of graduations, K4, Kindergarten, 5th grade, 8th grade, High School, College, Masters... I mean it is an event that we will have A LOT! Its the future....
I keep focusing on the future, and even in the short term it seems unknown. E is gaining smarts, vocabulary, and changing. I feel like I can't catch her, like she is beyond where I see her constantly. Before I really get to enjoy one new thing about her, she begins another and her life is growing, world expanding. I want a spectacular life with her. I want to celebrate who she is and who she becomes. J may be having his first of many lasts with me today, I am not ready. Teary mommy over here would love to press pause, not go on this trip, but there is this other man in my life who is growing too. Sometimes in the midst of busyness with little ones, I forget my husband is growing and changing too - and I forget to learn him and celebrate his moments. Its easy with kids they turn one year old and you buy CAKE and let them smash it, they use the potty for the first time you FREAK OUT and throw confetti. Adults, we tend to forsake in that category!
There is so much expectation about celebrating these ending, even if it not an event, our internal mind and heart want these endings to feel BIG. The bigger they feel, the more important and potent they will remain in our memories! My fear today is that I wont be able to make the most of this day, my last potential time nursing J, his first of many lasts he will have as he grows and doesn't rely on me as much. That somehow in my mind I will forget today. I feel like it should impact me so deeply, but it is scary to think today will end and I could somehow miss having a good enough memory of today to satisfy my expectation of today's ending! I have nothing more than that to say, I just wrote this because if I can collect my thoughts for today, maybe in the future I will have this day be remember as something special.
SO I will go on this trip and celebrate something else, that isn't even close to ending, my marriage! I will cherish how it is growing too, and make this a spectacular beginning (weekends away will be a thing for us now, YAY), as another chapter of motherhood, potentially, comes to an end ... Oh, and I might have a crawler when I get back too!

-Rebecca

First Day of K3

Last Day of K3

Getting in my cuddles while I can!