Last thoughts before J arrives!

I wasn't planning to write tonight, but I am assuring myself I will go into labor tonight. I dont know how, but I want it to happen. That sounds so silly, but I really am anxious for his presence outside my womb. Stubborn me would wait up all night if I were sure he were coming tonight. 
Reality, I need some time to reflect, right now, on the love that exists between us in our current state and the changes that come with hearing those first cries. 

Jackson I love you now because you are my son, you are growing me in and it amazes me. I have waited to feel little kicks again, and your life in has gifted me that. I have seen you blink, and open your cute little mouth and those are stunning images - but I want to see you face to face. Is it selfish that I want that more than I want the intimacy of your little bodies current dependence on mine? I wish it didn't feel selfish, but come, please come soon. I want to hold those cute little hands I felt press against my belly so strongly the other night - and kiss each little finger. If timing is everything, we would share a 10th birthday if you come in the next 24 ('ish) hours.... Plus Daddy and I's anniversary is the 10th, soooooo... it kinda just works, don't cha' think Jackson? 
Honestly, there were days I wondered if little you would ever exist, if I would ever have the faith and strength to carry little lives inside - or how long it would take to heal up from earthly loss. I was surprised to find you - I was grateful, I was overwhelmed. When I started crying after I got the positive test, that you were positively alive - it was as if I was watching myself from the sideline. Could it be? Could we really be doing this again? And yes, we did it again, we have you - we have had you... all this time. I have not taken it for granted. Not gonna lie to you, I could have prayed more, I could have journaled more, I could have taken a lot more belly pictures - but God gave me grace on this journey of ours together, these 38 weeks and 2 days thus far. And to think the maximum I will have to wait to see you in my arms and not my belly is 6 more days, max! But like I said, today works too! 
When you read this, once you're older - I am sure it will just emphasize what you have, at the point, learned about me: I am impatient and a go-getter - well, I hope you think I am kinda patient (with you and E that is - but other than that!!! NO). 
Jackson Abram: God is gracious and exalted.... and He so is.... You are all His. Every cell given by His grace, and exalted because He is creator and He loves you. 
Psalm 139 I prayed over and over to E and have written it for her in her journal, read it to her and now I read it, write it, pray it for you....

"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully (reverently) and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you... Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

See you soon! Love, Mommy