I dont know why but at times I feel drawn to suffering, the urge to carry a burden with someone, to cry and express pain at what seems terrible in the world. I have NEVER watched the show Private Practice, but seriously the commercial for tonight's episode just drew me right in (plus, it was after Dancing with the Stars). During the show a character is pregnant and gets devastating news about her unborn child. And honestly, in the past year I have heard of so many woman, loved by God, going through similar real-life situations. Some of them will read this blog, my heart has ached for you ladies, I sit in tears at the thought of your sufferings (like I said, I am kinda drawn to those feeling of pain). I want to walk the path with people who are hurting, not because I want a good excuse to cry, but because I have a deep inner desire to help lighten the burden. I want to see Joy in their eyes, even just for a moment, though the circumstances seemingly would suppose itself joyless. I want to see Joy because it is hope, Joy is beyond simple happiness, in fact it is so far beyond happiness that the two are not even to be considered the same. Joy is hope that despite so much has hurt and at the point of hurt, one is dwelling in pain, that in same dwelling place can be moments of good again, moments of true Joy. When pain hits, we wonder if we can ever have goodness and happiness in our lives again; but I tell you Joy can exist in the midst of pain. I have been in low places, and if I could put into proper words the experience of the beauty those moments gave me...well, I just, I just cant. But I remember looking at heaven and talking to the One who is creator and His overwhelming presence made me smile. Oh that overwhelming moment - Pain is Beautiful sometimes, Beautiful Joy.
Phil 4-7
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Reality of Existence!
Lumps in my throat, knots in my stomach, questions like this roll through my mind swiftly:
"What have you done? I just messed up my kid."
Oh the agony of motherhood, I have never felt more insane for the right reasons! I love being a mom, I actually love that I feel this way sometimes because I laugh at my craziness and try to come up with a "rhyme" for the reasons things are the way they are. An example of this is as follows.
A friend text me Easter service "We are leaving, our child is having a meltdown."
My response "Oh, she is just really moved by what Jesus did for her. It moved her to tears, I get that."
Friend "I love your positive attitude" aka "You are crazy, that is not why she is crying, but thanks for trying to make me feel better."
As I know this "friend" will read this blog...I love you and I love your child!
Other personal examples would be the time, yes the time, my girls first tooth was coming in. I thought my ears would bleed from the unending sounds of her crying, and at that moment, baddddd mommy did not even know she was teething. Seriously, I just thought she was crying like a maniac because she has my DNA. 4 hours in, I have this random thought - "inconsolable crying could mean she is teething" - ah, yes that solved my problem....... when the Tylenol kicked in. Well, refer to line 1 of this post, I call my friends in tears and need to be consoled that I am not the worlds worst mom. I let my child suffer, I love her, but she suffered for hours on my watch. The point of this post - the distance between good mom and bad mom. I don't think it "feels" like much more than a thin, pencil drawn line between the two and mothers tetter between those "feelings" daily. I say "feeling" because I don't think I am a bad mom, but in moments like the one I mentioned, I sure "feel" that way.
The line is thin between the moments I feel like a great mom - sweeping up my daughter in my arms to console her tears and after minute upon minute of her continuing crying, I have to lay her in her crib for my sanity or yell out loud "STOP CRYING" even though she can't respond with my desired request (therefore, personally moving myself onto the bad mommy territory).
So here is the truth - our feelings matter, but they don't define us. I am not a bad mom because I "feel" like one. I am a good mom because, I care enough to think, I have to make every moment full of rainbows and teddy bears for my child to enjoy - REALITY CHECK - that is NOT going to happen (details on not actually being a bad mom below....keep reading).
Another close friend told me at the park one day, as she was lovingly pushing her child on the swings, sometimes she can't even stand for people to comment on her parenting at all; this is because she so delicately walks that good/bad mommy line. That was painful to hear - she is a great mom. But we have to accept we are not perfect parents to our "perfect children."
I actually have the perfect mom or at least I label her "As perfect as a mother could be" but she confesses to me constantly, specific mistakes she feels she made with me (when she was raising me). Yet, when I think of her I think of good memories and cant remember any of those specific times she refers to. I have to remind her, I turned out wonderful (vain, I know), and that I have a great life that I love living. I love God and have turned to Him to be my voice, and lead my path. I learned everything I know from her (and my dad, oh, and my grandma - it takes a village sometimes....:). At the end of all these conversations I know she "feels" she walked that line thin, you know that one I am just now walking on. I have been convinced this line determines my worth as a mother - BUT WAIT, does the LINE even exist???? No, it really doesn't exist. My existence, as a mother, is a path laid out by God, not some imaginary line. This path is not easy, or full of rainbows and teddy bears, and it is not determined by how I "feel" about it. It a challenging and rewarding journey and for the past 6 month, it has been the beginning of the motherhood; I walk it as best I can. Because this path is determined by God, it is perfect, walked by the imperfect but there is no good/bad mommy stickers to label me or pin on my shirt as I move from moment to moment. I have allowed my imperfections convince me when I make a mistake that somehow I have "crossed over" and that I am, all of the sudden, unworthy to be a good mom. But I have to remember MY EXISTENCE AS A MOTHER IS ON GODS PATH and HIS PATH is GOOD because HE IS GOOD. I walk with Him because there was a line I crossed a LONG time ago and when I choose to follow God, becoming His child. Now I am set on the GOOD path He has had for me. Each day of the journey teaches me more of who I am. When I remember I am His, I don't feel "bad mommy" I feel "blessed mommy" and that is sooooo good!
Now, this is not to say I never make mistakes, I do, but when I make a mistake, He leads me to correction (remember "becoming a better mom"). When I wander, He guides me back. When I fall down in sin, He picks me up and forgives me.
MOMS, we are not on our own - we are not defined by how we feel. I, personally am defined by God and when I remember that, I have to room for those "bad" feeling to even enter.
Honestly, when I started this post I had no idea it would even go this direction, but I am glad it did. God has set a path for us, that includes raising our children with His guidance, don't let bad feelings ruin the GOOD path He has for you and your family. With His guidance, we can all raise children that know His goodness and see it reflected in us. I am a good mom, because I have a good God to show me just how to do it!
Psalm 139 is a personal favorite of mine - I think of how God created me, leads me, and can do the same for you and each of our children. Oh God is good my friends, so good!
"What have you done? I just messed up my kid."
Oh the agony of motherhood, I have never felt more insane for the right reasons! I love being a mom, I actually love that I feel this way sometimes because I laugh at my craziness and try to come up with a "rhyme" for the reasons things are the way they are. An example of this is as follows.
A friend text me Easter service "We are leaving, our child is having a meltdown."
My response "Oh, she is just really moved by what Jesus did for her. It moved her to tears, I get that."
Friend "I love your positive attitude" aka "You are crazy, that is not why she is crying, but thanks for trying to make me feel better."
As I know this "friend" will read this blog...I love you and I love your child!
Other personal examples would be the time, yes the time, my girls first tooth was coming in. I thought my ears would bleed from the unending sounds of her crying, and at that moment, baddddd mommy did not even know she was teething. Seriously, I just thought she was crying like a maniac because she has my DNA. 4 hours in, I have this random thought - "inconsolable crying could mean she is teething" - ah, yes that solved my problem....... when the Tylenol kicked in. Well, refer to line 1 of this post, I call my friends in tears and need to be consoled that I am not the worlds worst mom. I let my child suffer, I love her, but she suffered for hours on my watch. The point of this post - the distance between good mom and bad mom. I don't think it "feels" like much more than a thin, pencil drawn line between the two and mothers tetter between those "feelings" daily. I say "feeling" because I don't think I am a bad mom, but in moments like the one I mentioned, I sure "feel" that way.
The line is thin between the moments I feel like a great mom - sweeping up my daughter in my arms to console her tears and after minute upon minute of her continuing crying, I have to lay her in her crib for my sanity or yell out loud "STOP CRYING" even though she can't respond with my desired request (therefore, personally moving myself onto the bad mommy territory).
So here is the truth - our feelings matter, but they don't define us. I am not a bad mom because I "feel" like one. I am a good mom because, I care enough to think, I have to make every moment full of rainbows and teddy bears for my child to enjoy - REALITY CHECK - that is NOT going to happen (details on not actually being a bad mom below....keep reading).
Another close friend told me at the park one day, as she was lovingly pushing her child on the swings, sometimes she can't even stand for people to comment on her parenting at all; this is because she so delicately walks that good/bad mommy line. That was painful to hear - she is a great mom. But we have to accept we are not perfect parents to our "perfect children."
I actually have the perfect mom or at least I label her "As perfect as a mother could be" but she confesses to me constantly, specific mistakes she feels she made with me (when she was raising me). Yet, when I think of her I think of good memories and cant remember any of those specific times she refers to. I have to remind her, I turned out wonderful (vain, I know), and that I have a great life that I love living. I love God and have turned to Him to be my voice, and lead my path. I learned everything I know from her (and my dad, oh, and my grandma - it takes a village sometimes....:). At the end of all these conversations I know she "feels" she walked that line thin, you know that one I am just now walking on. I have been convinced this line determines my worth as a mother - BUT WAIT, does the LINE even exist???? No, it really doesn't exist. My existence, as a mother, is a path laid out by God, not some imaginary line. This path is not easy, or full of rainbows and teddy bears, and it is not determined by how I "feel" about it. It a challenging and rewarding journey and for the past 6 month, it has been the beginning of the motherhood; I walk it as best I can. Because this path is determined by God, it is perfect, walked by the imperfect but there is no good/bad mommy stickers to label me or pin on my shirt as I move from moment to moment. I have allowed my imperfections convince me when I make a mistake that somehow I have "crossed over" and that I am, all of the sudden, unworthy to be a good mom. But I have to remember MY EXISTENCE AS A MOTHER IS ON GODS PATH and HIS PATH is GOOD because HE IS GOOD. I walk with Him because there was a line I crossed a LONG time ago and when I choose to follow God, becoming His child. Now I am set on the GOOD path He has had for me. Each day of the journey teaches me more of who I am. When I remember I am His, I don't feel "bad mommy" I feel "blessed mommy" and that is sooooo good!
Now, this is not to say I never make mistakes, I do, but when I make a mistake, He leads me to correction (remember "becoming a better mom"). When I wander, He guides me back. When I fall down in sin, He picks me up and forgives me.
MOMS, we are not on our own - we are not defined by how we feel. I, personally am defined by God and when I remember that, I have to room for those "bad" feeling to even enter.
Honestly, when I started this post I had no idea it would even go this direction, but I am glad it did. God has set a path for us, that includes raising our children with His guidance, don't let bad feelings ruin the GOOD path He has for you and your family. With His guidance, we can all raise children that know His goodness and see it reflected in us. I am a good mom, because I have a good God to show me just how to do it!
Psalm 139 is a personal favorite of mine - I think of how God created me, leads me, and can do the same for you and each of our children. Oh God is good my friends, so good!
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
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