I thought I was fine. I even said to myself as I walked up to the baby shower "I am so okay." This friend was having a miracle baby, a baby I had prayed to God would give her. I know, she knew the pain I have been experiencing from a previous loss. In fact, I had been looking forward to celebrating with her because I am so excited for this baby. So here I am sitting at this beautiful baby shower, friends close by, two recently had little girls and two are pregnant with amazing little treasures, that I also cant wait to meet! The talk between me and my dressed up girlfriends, of course, is on children, and talking about their miracles. I am fine through all this, my baby passed through my mind, but I am settled in their happiness in heaven. But then, one of my friends, whom I hadn't talked to about what has happened, asked "What about you, more kids in the future?" My heart stopped, it has been the question that has haunted my mind often since this loss. Of course I want more children, cautiously because I fear feeling this sadness again, but hopeful for the children God has for us. But that is not what I said, instead my response was to give into my emotions and start crying. I didn't think that question would get me like that, but my heart felt like it was shaking in my chest as it recovered from the momentary hault it had just experienced. I thought I was fine, my friend who was also sitting with us, had read my blog and messaged me sharing her own loss, said "I thought you were doing okay?" Honestly, so did I. I thought I was okay and had processed my sweet babies place in heaven, and the fact that I don't hold their life in me anymore. I thought I was okay, and was dealing with it. But to hear that question out-loud, well it out-poured a wealth of emotions, the loss, the future, fear, and the hope I have to one day be a mother to another child. I was overwhelmed. I pulled it together quickly and apologized for my response, my friend felt for me, I knew she did. But I didn't want to be center of attention today, it was a celebration of life for a baby to come. I wanted to celebrate with her, it was her day!
My first touch with my weakness, I mean, beyond those first days of raw emotion. Grief is a powerful thing, even with the Lords peace and strength it feels easy to surrender to it. That moment opened to some special time with friends as the shower was wrapping up, and ladies grabbed my hand, hugged me, and told me they were sorry for my loss. A friend, I admire, shared with me her own loss and reminded me to grieve, something that obviously summed up the moment I had earlier. It was another step in my redemption for the sadness of this loss, to grieve but be able to do so in a way that says "God, I am not happy this happened, but I am happy that my baby in in Your loving care. I am going to cry for my loss right now, but the joy I have in You also brings me to tears. I may feel sad, but I am not hopeless. My hope for my child is with You and my hope for the future." Its like grief first, then God. God always conquers my touches with weakness. Scripture sums it up like this "But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
Matthew 5:3-10
“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
(2 Corinthians 12:9-10 scripture is from a time Paul was pleading with the Lord to take away the torment of a messenger from Satan (torment that God allowed to keep him from being conceited), this was God's response.)
Monday, November 5, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
A new day began 2 minutes ago!
I don't have much to say today. I journaled a lot in the days after our baby went to worship Jesus, and in the past week have thought of them often but the writing stopped. I think that I poured my heart out so much between 1-blog 2-Elizabeth's notebook 3-personal journal, that I just wrote out so much; not wanting to forget anything I thought and said. Now I just find myself touching my empty tummy and silently praying through moments. I am not sad all the time, but at times I am. I don't like what happened, but I am okay now. I am again, overjoyed for our baby and not for one moment have I felt sad for them - they would not even be able to comprehend me feeling anything but JOY for their current place in eternity because it is a REALLY good one.
The most amazing thing for me lately has been talking with so many people who have experienced great loss or trials and the redemption God has given them. Redemption has a been a big word for me lately and literally one day I was driving and talking with the Lord and really wanting to hear a reply, I had the radio on and the first word I heard was "redeemed." It was a great word to hear and I felt it summing up my current struggle. Now that word reminds me of one of my favorite songs, but also a lesson God taught me a long time ago. Often we desire perfection, don't deny that you would not mind if your life had turned out perfectly, we all would not mind the easy ride once and while. I think that we appreciate the hardships and all they have taught us, but if we had a perfect life, well, we would have never needed to learn those lessons in the first place, right? (Ellie, I know that is a run on sentence or fragment or something, okay!) Anyways, this amazing song is called the Angels Wish and it goes like this:
Was God smiling
When He spoke the words
That made the world
And did He cry about the flood
And what does God's voice sound like
When He sings, when He's angry
These are just a few things
That the angels have on me
Chorus:
Well, I can't fly
At least not yet
I've got no halo on my head
And I can't even start to picture Heaven's beauty
But I've been shown the Savior's love
The grace of God has raised me up
To show me things the angels long to look into
And I know things
The Angels only wish they knew
I have seen the dark and desperate place
Where sin will take you
I've felt loneliness and shame
And I have watched the blinding light of grace
Come breaking through with a sweetness
Only tasted by the forgiven and redeemed
And someday I'll sit down with my angel friends
Up in Heaven
They'll tell me about creation
And I'll tell them a story of grace
Oh, its is just the most beautiful song. When I have thought about what I am walking through right now, I have thought and remembered "God prepared me, my entire life, to deal with exactly what He has given me and in this case taken from me. The closeness I have with Him, I cherish it, that bond exists to help me through the trials He has sent to me. In comparison to some, my loss is small, but God purposed my life to be here now, and I am not hopeless. I am redeemed."
See like I said above we would want that perfect life, until we have gone through those trials, and we appreciate what they make us. As believers, God prepares us and has purposed our lives to bring Him glory through our trials and blessings. Most of the awesome, redeemed people I know shower me in His glory when I see them! And thank you for that! But here is my ending to my little blogy tonight, sometimes I want to be in the dark so that I really know how good the light is. There I times, I need to feel desperate like I did the night my baby went to see Him, because I have never craved closeness to the Lord, like He let me feel that night. I want to be know I am forgiven when I mess up. I want to be redeemed. Honestly, do you?
The most amazing thing for me lately has been talking with so many people who have experienced great loss or trials and the redemption God has given them. Redemption has a been a big word for me lately and literally one day I was driving and talking with the Lord and really wanting to hear a reply, I had the radio on and the first word I heard was "redeemed." It was a great word to hear and I felt it summing up my current struggle. Now that word reminds me of one of my favorite songs, but also a lesson God taught me a long time ago. Often we desire perfection, don't deny that you would not mind if your life had turned out perfectly, we all would not mind the easy ride once and while. I think that we appreciate the hardships and all they have taught us, but if we had a perfect life, well, we would have never needed to learn those lessons in the first place, right? (Ellie, I know that is a run on sentence or fragment or something, okay!) Anyways, this amazing song is called the Angels Wish and it goes like this:
Was God smiling
When He spoke the words
That made the world
And did He cry about the flood
And what does God's voice sound like
When He sings, when He's angry
These are just a few things
That the angels have on me
Chorus:
Well, I can't fly
At least not yet
I've got no halo on my head
And I can't even start to picture Heaven's beauty
But I've been shown the Savior's love
The grace of God has raised me up
To show me things the angels long to look into
And I know things
The Angels only wish they knew
I have seen the dark and desperate place
Where sin will take you
I've felt loneliness and shame
And I have watched the blinding light of grace
Come breaking through with a sweetness
Only tasted by the forgiven and redeemed
And someday I'll sit down with my angel friends
Up in Heaven
They'll tell me about creation
And I'll tell them a story of grace
Oh, its is just the most beautiful song. When I have thought about what I am walking through right now, I have thought and remembered "God prepared me, my entire life, to deal with exactly what He has given me and in this case taken from me. The closeness I have with Him, I cherish it, that bond exists to help me through the trials He has sent to me. In comparison to some, my loss is small, but God purposed my life to be here now, and I am not hopeless. I am redeemed."
See like I said above we would want that perfect life, until we have gone through those trials, and we appreciate what they make us. As believers, God prepares us and has purposed our lives to bring Him glory through our trials and blessings. Most of the awesome, redeemed people I know shower me in His glory when I see them! And thank you for that! But here is my ending to my little blogy tonight, sometimes I want to be in the dark so that I really know how good the light is. There I times, I need to feel desperate like I did the night my baby went to see Him, because I have never craved closeness to the Lord, like He let me feel that night. I want to be know I am forgiven when I mess up. I want to be redeemed. Honestly, do you?
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