I have always been one of the those people that saw the glass half full, "rose colored glasses" on so the world looks pretty..... But I have to say I have always dealt with loads of insecurity and I think that paired with my rambling mouth has been a combination that at times makes my head spin. Here is why, I LOVE to share my life with my family and friends, and even sometimes people I just happen to meet in public. The life God has given me, I have committed to share! I find enjoyment in telling people about the trials God has brought me out of, and about all the wonderful things God has done for me, my life is an open book! One of the things I like about myself is the fact is how much I talk, it makes me feel good to say what I think, how I feel. Because I just jibber-jabber all the time, I have learned how to be entertaining when I speak (if you talk a lot you have to be entertaining so people will listen and not get to bored). However, because of this deep desire to share, I always just talk and talk and talk and then, I get insecure.
"Did I say the right thing?"
"Do they understand what I am talking about and are they receiving my words correctly?"
"Did what I say sound funny, mean, weird?"
"Oh no, you said to much."
"Great, now I have to explain that."
"Oh, maybe what I just said was to much and now they are uncomfortable."
I get into questioning everything I say, how I say it, and how they are hearing it.........Frustration occurring.
I will be honest, I today feel as though I am losing my mind because I am thinking of things I have said this past week, words God wanted me to say and write to people, but did I share them right??? Ahh, the agony. The agony comes from many facets of being a "talker", my rambling, my bluntness at times, knowing what I say and saying what I mean without confusing people and myself, peoples views of me because of what I say.
My close friends can attest to this constant inner battle I deal with, as they hear me try to resolve my insecurity at the expense of ears.
So, why my rant about insecurity, because combined with all God wants me to do, I cant let it get in my way. I know there is a fine line between what can be publicly shared and what God wants me to hold tightly in my heart for just Him and I; but, I plan on continuing to be an open, talkative person. God intends to use me, as He created me to serve Him and the thing that will hold me back is not talking...its insecurity......
Next frustration is FEAR.... Fear is so crippling! God tells us "Do Not Fear" like a millions times in His word but yet, I find myself laying in bed concerned for what "could" happen. Honestly, I get scared over the MOST ridiculous things, things that are a slim to none chance of happening. Shark attacks for instance, I NEVER go the beach (I am going today, strange timing), yet, I am scared some random day those sharks from the Snickers commercial are going to show up at my front door ready for a meal, I dont know.... But you get my drift, fear makes us crazy. What a silly way to live. I was thinking about it this morning, I live in fear of something that could possibly happen once, a shark attack, house burning down, car crashes, yet, the majority of days nothing of that sort is going to happen. Why worry? All, but possible day, of my life could be spent enjoying the goodness of blessings God has given me, but I fear for one day I will have a big time trial to deal with. I am so sick of living for the fear. Oh and just to tie the mommy aspect into this post last minute, the fears I hold for my child are by far my worst, but my prayer this morning was this. "God there is no room for satan to have power in me, Chase, or our child because we are Yours, full of You. You are completely with us and in us. You are in control and have power over our very lives, we cant be touched by satan, he cannot be with us." I know satan is all around, and fear is his game, and he can destroy things, but he cant destroy me.
Some scriptures for today are:
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will *direct your paths."
In the Hebrew the word Direct means "to smooth out, straighten, make right." So the end of the verse could be translated "He will make straight your stressful paths." For myself I claim His promise in this verse "I will trust the Lord with all my heart and I will not rely on my own knowledge to solve my problems of insecurity and fear. In everything I do I will acknowledge Him and He will take my stress from my insecurity and fears and will make right the path He has led me on"
I encourage you to think about your deep struggles and take this verse and apply it to that situation for yourself. Praise God for His love for us, even with our imperfections!
Just being Honest!!!
-Rebecca
