Monday, February 27, 2012

Here again, but really for the 1st time!

So my first blog post, big deal right? Well, a  big deal to me! I have always wanted a blog to call my own, unsure of implications of committing to such a task. However, if I am going to stay up late, why not bless all of you with my pers-pec-tive of all things "motherhood." I am a new mom, so this is not a "know-it-all" blog in fact it is quite the opposite, it is an "I know myself, I have changed since mommy-hood, and I am meeting the new me daily." I want to share my journey and maybe reach out to those moms who are in LOVE with their children, but maybe just maybe are just learning to navigate who they are and if they were really HONEST, I have a few inklings to what they might say........

So I am up late again, husband and baby tucked comfortably in bed and I am checking facebook to have some sense of socialization (and I am talker, you will learn this about me quickly) so facebook just does NOT do the trick. Honestly, sometimes I find myself more empty from my interactions on there, rather than the fulfilled to my social needs. Oh well, I will just text - oh wait, I hate texting too. So impersonal, I would rather hug someone like 20 times in our encounter and tell them I like their hair, which means I would HAVE to see them. I am sure though that sometimes people much prefer me at a distance, I am loud and definitely a "in your bubble" friend, which brings me to my first point: 1) I have become super self-conscious since my daughter was born. I love who God made me to be, and that at times involves my need for people, I love them, I love people. But yet, I have found myself struggling through social situations, even with close friends whom I know accept me in their bubble and love that I talk really loud. So why I am feeling so weirdo on the inside. I am not sure, but if feeling awkward about some of my social interactions is territory that comes with being a mom, I will be the most awkward, weird, strange, freakish person on the plant, because being a mom is the best and TOTALLY worth it.
Other strange things that have changed with me since my baby girls birth:
Crazy appetite, I eat all the time. In fact, if there were video cameras in my house and being 9 months pregnant meant "not showing" from my eating habits alone, all people would assume I was still prego. I just claim that you are pregnant for such a long time that the lifestyle of eating whatever you want, whenever is honestly habit forming. Yes, I am in the habit of pregnant eating. Such a great habit, if only it was sustainable enough to not make you gain one million pounds, but it isnt, so I am working on it (my personal trainer will be happy about that comment, which is really the only reason I wrote it) as I eat my last tootsie roll...of the night!
Oh, and is any other mother super self aware now. My brain races most moments during my day, yes races, at least I can do something fast (glass half full, I think so). You know, I think this trait is mostly good for me, I am just really aware of where I am going, what I am doing, saying, just to ensure I am doing what is best for my daughter - but it also highlights some of the things I dont exactly LOVE about myself - but it makes me realize how much I love my daughter. She is just one of the best things in life, rolled into one little life. She is just perfection, however, I am not (self awareness stinks sometimes, not that I ever thought I was perfect)!

Honestly, this is how I feel; I feel like everyday a bit more of "pre-mommy" me is disappearing and I am waking each morning to get acquainted with Elizabeths mom. This new me seems pretty great, but there are changes to get used to and new things to learn about myself or learn more about who God wants me to be, as the mommy He made me to be. But meeting Elizabeths mom has been good for me, because God is good, she is a good gift from God, and God has a lot of good to do in me. He is working in me, but I face Him honestly, the things I love about motherhood, and the trials that have come. So as I head to bed, I bid farewell to a little less of my prior self and ready myself to welcome a bit more Elizabeths mom into myself. Hopefully, I can work though some of this craziness and keep enjoying the great times. Honestly, I'm a Mom, and I love it, let it make me who I am meant to be. Goodnight moms and friends, keep being honest!